Why I love Josh. Part One in a series.

Let me begin this post by saying that I love nature. I also respect nature. I want nature to be preserved since it's the only one we have.

I also love bears and cougars. They are beautiful, majestic animals. I feel sad when I hear of one that has been killed. I feel very sad when I think of how their habitat is being torn down to build more subdivisions and shopping malls. When I hear of someone who has been attacked by one of these animals I feel bad for both of them because that person has a long road to recovery and the animal is likely to be hunted down and killed for doing what God programmed him to do which is hunt for food. Seeing these creatures on TV, in photographs and at the Asheboro Zoo is awesome. As in fills me with awe at the mere fact of them. Yea for bears! Yea for cougars!

Now, with that being said, I also have absolutely no desire to ever encounter one these creatures outside of a zoo setting. Watching Grizzly Man gave me the creeps during certain scenes where I felt way too close to the bears. The thought of a cougar lurking outside my house freaks me the fuck out. I do not belong anywhere near these animals in their natural habitat.

So that brings me to why I love Josh Part One.

The man has absolutely no desire to go camping.

None. Praise Jesus, no desire to go into the woods, into the bear and cougar's living room, sleep on the ground, pee in the woods, cook over a fire, none of that.

Now, i'm not a priss whose idea of camping is a hotel with no pool. I could go camping in a camper or RV that is parked in an area for those type of vehicles close to the woods. I mean a real camper or RV, not one of those where the beds fold out of the sides and you're covered by bug net. The bears can get you through that. And I have to be near other people who can hear me scream and come help if a bear decideds to try and get into the camper. I'm also not parking in the middle of no where because that's when the serial killers come and kill you and no one finds you for months or years.

So I would camp under certain conditions, but that is unlikely to ever happen. Because Josh, my love, my sweetie, my sweet potato pie, has no desire to camp.

Now why is this such a big deal? I've noticed in my 28 years that people who do camp are pretty strident about it. Because if you don't camp you're weak and shallow and all that crap. Because it's not ok to have different ideas of fun. Because you can't commune with nature at the beach apparently. Or by visiting a national park. No, only by sleeping there and peeing in the woods can you truely be one with nature and if you disagree then you just aren't right for each other. Just look at Nick and Jessica.

(Side rant: Jessica Simpson was raked over the coals for carrying her purse camping. Well fuck you. My purse has my wallet, my pocket knife, my cell phone, all my important things with me in one place. I would carry my purse camping. If I went on a hike I would transfer my important things to my back pack, but would I leave my purse at home? No! I need what's in there. So bite me purse haters!)

Anyway, Josh doesn't want to camp or climb mountains, or go hunting or do any of that manly roughing it nature crap. He's perfectly happy visiting historical landmarks and museums with me on vacation. I'm a girly girl, he's kind of a girly man, we both fear bears and cougars, and that is why I love him.

This I like.

A while back I wrote about how your wedding will never be unique, that all you can hope for is to make it nice and something that you like and your guests enjoy.

Well here is an example of personalizing your wedding. (I hate that phrase by the way. It's the two of you at the altar, how much more personal can it be. I just can't think of a better way to say it.)

These are so cute. And not cute in a cutesy sort of way, like those Precious Moments figures. Those creep me out on wedding things. They're kids! They're too young to get married! What is this, the FLDS? (Ugh. Don't get me started on them.)

Other cutsey things I don't like to see on wedding cakes or invites: Teddy Bears, Mickey and Minnie. Bleh.

But these faeries are very cute, not tacky and a great way for a couple who is a little different to top off their cake. Or decorate the guest book table. Or whatever. Really cool. I wouldn't mind having a pair myself just as a knick knack.

If you want a pair for yourself they are available at The Pyramid Collection .

Sigh.

My Monday-Friday Vyvanse experience:

Sometime between 7:45 and 8:00: Drag self out of bed. Pee. Put on bathrobe. Rub cats as you stumble to the kitchen. Make breakfast (usualy cereal).

8:00: Eat breakfast while watching Spongebob. Take drugs.

8:01-11:00: Feel nothing. (Note: This time block includes dressing for work, leaving for work and getting to work at 9:00.)

11:01: Vyvanse kicks in enough to make you jittery and give you tachycardia. Still feel very tired.

11:01-3:00: Feel crappy from Vyvanse side effects for remainder of day.

3:01: Leave work.

3:15: Arrive home and begin nap.

6:00: Wake from nap. Any and all Vyvanse effects are gone so you're too tired to cook dinner. Convince husband to go get fast food that is slowly killing you and making you fat and broke in the meantime.

7:00: Begin evening activites. Watch Tifuaxed programs, play Animal Crossing, Cross Stitch, etc.

10:00: Shower. Quick shower. Use regular soap because you're too tired to lather up a poof with fun girly shower gel.

10:20: Return to evening activities clean.

11:00: The best part of the day. Bedtime.

Mmmmmm. Hugh Laurie.

No content here. Just sexy, sexy Hugh Laurie.

That is all.

Squee!

So last Friday I joined Classmates.com. (Shut up, no, I don't know what I was thinking. I hated high school and with the exception of like five people I have no desire to see any of them again. At least until our reunion where I can laugh at them for becoming the fat, bald losers I always knew they would be.)

ANYway.

While filling in my information I got all squishy because I could fill out my married name and check the Mrs. box. I'm a goon, I know, but I don't care. I'm glad to be squishy as we approach our second anniversary and the official end to our newlywed period.

And in case you forgot the quote that goes along with the picture:

"Now remember. We're newlyweds on our way to Earth Capital."

Why? Why do I keep watching Monsterquest? WHY?

Oh Monsterquest. You suck so bad. Why do I still record and watch you?

Monsterquest started out promising. I didn't think it should be on the history channel, but neither did Ax Men so what could I do.

I enjoyed the first few episodes, even when they sorta got lame faster than I expected. I mean, Bigfoot, Swamp Ape, Grassman, these are all Bigfoot, ok? If it's ape/man like it's Bigfoot, Sasquatch, etc. Same thing. But for Wednesday night TV it's not bad.

Then the second season took a turn for the lame. Mega Hog? Giant Rats? Some mysterious beast killing things in NC that couldn't possibly be a cougar despite the cougar like way of killing prey and the camera phone photo of a cougar like creature? Because cougars can't pass the cougar forcefield that keeps them where you can expect to find them and out of where you won't expect to find them. Because of the cougar forcefield. Cougar. (And let's not forget the idiots digging up their dogs bones like they could tell someone anything about what killed it.)

And Ghosts? Ghosts aren't mosters. Poltergeists i'll call monsters, but that's a stretch and they weren't even looking for those types of ghosts. Just your average cold feeling, spots on a photo, eerie light on a video tape ghost. Lame.

Then we came to what I thought was the bottom of the barrel. Vampires. Vam. Pires.

Vampires are not monsters. Nor do they exist. The people who call themselves Vampires are regular people who drink blood and somehow "feed" on other's "energy". They aren't really Vampires. Vampires are made up and are not mosters that need to be quested for. Really. If you want to find a vampire go find some goth kids at your local high school or college and if there isn't one there i'm sure they know someone who claims to be a vampire and would love to talk to you about it. No questing required.

Secondly, the history of the Vampire has been covered before in much better shows on the history of the Vampire and people who call themselves Vampires have been covered pretty extensivley on about ten episodes of WE' s Secret Lives of Women.

So I thought that Vampires would be where Monsterquest and I would break up. But I forgot to delete the timer and I wound up recording China's Wildman (hint: Bigfoot.) and Giant Bears.

Giant bears is where I part company with Monsterquest. You guys are dumb and are looking for anything to make a show out of.

The thesis behind this episode was that bears may be evolving and loosing their fear of humans and getting larger and maybe this prehistoric bear is still around. Why? Why do they think this? Becuase people are seeing bears more and some people have shot some bears that are bigger than usual.

Now lets look at this rationaly.

First, the idea that a prehistoric bear could have survived and is now running amok is ludicrous. This is the same theory that's presented for Nessie and to me it makes more sense that a sea lizard could hide in deep water and reproduce and remain hidden for all this time than it does a bear, that is visible and hunted for various reasons and basicly is just too out there to hide.

Second, the fact that some hunters have killed bears that are much larger than average meaning that monster bears have to be out there is crap. My Grandfather's sister was seven feet tall. (No she did not have acromegaly or some other pituitary disease, she was just tall.) Now a seven foot tall woman (without a medical condition) is pretty unusual, but it doesn't mean that she's a whole new species of Amazons that are taking over Durham. It means that in the vast spectrum of human traits she hit the height lottery. Same with these bears. They happen to be larger for what ever reason. Look at my cats. Mary Jane and Stinky are four pounds each. Wally and Jules are 14 and 15 pounds respectively. Zeke is six or seven pounds and thus average. So do I have a new breed of monster housecat on my hands? Monsterquest would probably think so.

Third, the show completely glossed over the encroachment issue. They asked is this encroachment? Or is this a new breed of bear? Well, considering that humans are tearing down animal's habitats and builidng neighborhoods in them more and more this sounds like a textbook case of encroachment. People see bears more near their houses. Bears associate humans with food. Bears loose fright of humans. Duh.

But what really pissed me off with it's outright stupidity was that they kept showing footage and talking to people who had seen bears near their house 45 minutes from Manhattan. As if Manhattan and it's urban glow would scare away any wild animal in a 200 mile radius. But they didn't say mile. Because miles matter. Say this is about 50 miles from Manhattan near a wooded area. Well you're going to see bears. You know why? Because if you drive 45 minutes from any city you'll end up in Bum Fuck Egypt. I live in one of the largest cities in NC and this summer when Josh and I took off for the Outer Banks about 45 minutes out of town we wound up in Bum Fuck. Go 45 minutes out of Charlotte? Bum Fuck. 45 out of Raleigh? Bum Fuck. This holds true all over. Just because you live within an hour drive of a city doesn't mean the bears can't get you.

Further more the bears shown near these areas were black bears. We have them here in NC and I have a healthy fear of them. However, Black Bears generally don't bother people. They are shy and if you make some loud noise they'll run. So seeing a Black Bear in your neighborhood is unnerving, but not a crisis. You've moved into their territory so now deal. Lock up your garbage, bring your dogs in at night, supervise your kids, have the number for animal control ready and be alert if you have to go in the woods. Basicaly, you deal. You deal like every other human who's had to share space with animals since the begining of time.

So this episode was just too stupid and too hard on the bears. The bears are the victims here. We're the ones who move into their territory and then bitch when they get in our trash and then panic like a bunch of wusses when one lumbers through the back yard.

So it's over Monsterquest. You're on hiatus until next summer anyway. Maybe by then you'll have something interesting to talk about, but until then, leave me alone. Don't call, don't email me, take your stuff. This would be a good time to get together with everyone who's ever been on the show and camp out in the northwest and really make a go at finding Bigfoot. Follow your dream. This is how the whole thing started anyway.

And maybe when I run into you in a while you'll have some convincing evidence of an acutal monster. Or at least a bump. The growling eye is so over.

Empty promises.

I promise there is a Bridezillas post coming. There has to be to justify the hours I have wasted watching these crazy ass bitches freak out about their weddings. And the IQ points lost in the process.

As an aside, has this season seemed long to you? I was expecting Carlos and his wife to be the season finale, but damn, it just keeps going.

Hope on the horizion?

Maybe. Let's hope so.

Highlights:

The prevalence of the disease varies widely in different countries. In Europe and the United States, narcolepsy is roughly as common as Parkinson's disease or multiple sclerosis, affecting on average one in every 2,500 people.

There is no known cure for narcolepsy, which is often treated with stimulants to combat daytime fatigue.

An immediate family member with narcolepsy increases one's chances of having the disease by 10 to 40 times.

And to clarify, I don't has narcolepsy, but Ideopathic Hypersomnia is closely related and treated the same way. And it sucks about as much ass as actual narcolepsy so any new findings are good.

If you want to learn more or make a donation go to http://www.sleepfoundation.com/ .

Dear Bakeries and Delis of America,

Please stop baking large seeds and seed like things into your bread. It is weird. Sesame seeds don't belong in bread that will be used to make a sandwich. They add no flavor and only a really bizarre texture that you run into half way through chewing. Gross. No more.

My unlimited love to you all,

Brandi

Dear UPS drivers nation wide,

Please note that when you deliver a package you should ring the doorbell or knock before abandoning it on the porch or front step or whatever. You don't have to wait for someone to open the door or hand them the package (unless it's that type of package) but you do need to alert anyone who may be home that they have something outside waiting for them. Something they ordered or was sent to them and they are almost certainly looking for and looking forward too.

Now i'm not accusing everyone. Sometimes my UPS person does ring my bell and let me know that Amazon or American Girl didn't just take my money and run. However, recently i've had way more deliveries that I wasn't aware of and that needs to stop. If I didn't have such refined American Girl senses I wouldn't have known until 8:30 last night that Abigail's new outfit had arrived. And if it weren't for me going to my new freind's house to watch Grey's Anatomy and leaving at 8:30 it would have sat outside all night. ALL NIGHT! My precious and expensive doll clothes outside in the dark and the humidity and the sadness thinking I didn't love them, ALL NIGHT!

So if you do ring the bell or knock when you deliver a package, thank you. I appreciate it.

But if you don't, shape the hell up!

My unlimited love to you all,

Brandi

Happy Birthday Sweetie!

28 years ago today my hubby was born. He had a really large head and had to be yanked out with forcepts, but he was fine. (Except the large head. He still has that, it's a family trait actually.)

People annoy me with the "I hate birthdays" schtick. Would you rather have died this past year? Come on. Let the people who love you celebrate the fact that you're here. It's not all about you, it's also about all the people you've touched since you've been alive. And cake. Cake!

So today I celebrate my hubby. My hubby who is sweet, and funny, and adores our cats. Who goes to the beach with me eventhough he doesn't like it. Who drove me to Charlotte to see Bodyworlds eventhough we had a fight that morning and he's grossed out by medical stuff. Who flipped our mattress like The Incredible Hulk when I couldn't get to Wally under the bed as he had a seizure. Who has moved more people than he wants to remember. Who has become my family's computer guy without complaint. Who is always amazed at my needlework. Who hulks out again when people are rude or cruel, especially to animals. Who shares my twisted sense of humor. Who doesn't bat an eye when I buy too many doll clothes or cross stitch supplies or makeup. Who is an all around wonderful, wonderful person.

I couldn't imagine a better husband. I love you Biggzy! Happy Birthday.

Fun Facts about Vyvanse!

If you are prescribed Vyvanse you will get a list of all the horrible things that can happen to you while you are taking it. This sheet of paper will tell you not to take Vyvanse with orange juice or grapefruit juice since these will inhibit the drugs absorbtion. So you will take you're Vyvanse with some tea or maybe the milk left in your cereal bowl in the morning. And if you're like me you will then take off to work with a Diet Sunkist and then proceed to pee 10 times in a six hour period. Really.

Turns out that certain chemicals that make your urine acidic (like soda which is all way acidic) bonds with the drug and makes your body flush it out so it won't work and you'll visit all three bathrooms that you know of in your building. You know, to keep it fun!

Of course this is something I learned after poking around some ADHD forums and RxList.com and not from the pamplet they gave me at the drugstore. So here I sit feeling mildly better than yesterday with tea to drink instead of my last Diet Sunkist. So if you take Vyvanse don't drink soda during the day, it will make you pee like crazy and drain all that pricey medication out of your system.

Love it.

That's right. It's Kermit. On a gift card for Hot Topic. And he's freaked out by Hot Topic. Awesome!

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-17-08

When I first met my boyfriend more than a year ago, one of his friends groped me. Then he did it again. And again. I told him about it immediately after the first incident and he dismissed it and said it didn't happen. Since we weren't in a proper relationship at the time, I felt like I didn't have any "rights," so I didn't pursue the conversation. As time went on and our relationship became more serious, I brought up the issue again. My boyfriend's response was: "He hasn't had any in a while, he's just a deviant." This response angered me greatly. I feel like he should feel some anger and indignation on my behalf and not try to make excuses for his friend.

Again, there is more, and again, i'll stop you here.

Break up with him. He is an asshole. His friends are assholes. There is no future here. Only misery.

Also, figure out why not being in a "proper relationship" means you have no "rights". You were groped by your asshole boyfreind's asshole freind. At the very least you have a right to kick the asshole friend in the balls. And you sure as hell have a right to tell your asshole boyfriend that his asshole friend violated you in this way.

Advice for the future: If you ever end up in a similar situation and your boyfreind doesn't stand up for you or gives you a BS answer leave. Right away. Do not return any calls. Do not email. No $200. No passing Go. Not yours.

And for real, look into the self-esteem/self-worth issue. That sort of thing attracts these guys and you'll end up dating the same loser over and over again.

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-19-08

Ok, I have to say, Carey didn't botch this one too bad. However, he did go a few places that I would not advise so that's why we're hitting the reset button.

I am a gay man and I help financially support my parents. They say they are registered independents yet are voting Republican for the third straight presidential election, in a swing state no less. This hurts me because, as we all know, the Republicans make discrimination against gays part of their party platform, and use us to drive their base to the polls. My parents make excuses, usually related to fiscal policy, to justify their decision, but it feels like just that, an excuse. My question is, am I justified in cutting off the money?

He goes on, but let me stop here. No. No you are not justified in cutting off your parents because you don't like who they vote for. Every person in this country who is over 18 and hasn't had their voting rights suspended due to a felony gets to vote for who ever they want. Republican, Democrat, Communist, the freaky looking Jack in the Box guy, doesn't matter. You turn 18, you register, you don't commit felonies, you get to press a button, flush a toilet, fill in a bubble, write in your person, for whoever you think is the best choice. Period.

Your parents are adults and citizens and they get this right the same as you. Would you have thought it fair if they had cut you off in college for this reason? Of course not. Because it isn't fair to cut someone off for this reason period.

Why can you cut off your parents? Lots of reasons. They were/are abusive and you want to end your relationship with them. They spend the money on drugs/booze/gambling and you aren't going to enable them anymore. They can't handle money period and you really just need to get a lawyer involved so they don't send all the money to the new Jimmy Swaggart. You're giving them so much you can't pay your bills or save for your future. These are all reasons you can cut your parents off. But not for who they vote for.

You have to step back and see their political difference as something personal that you have no business being involved in. Because you don't. I know that's hard with you being gay and the Republicans often actively working against you, but what really matters here is the small picture. Your parents love you, support you, are warm and nice to your husband, and are grateful for your help. The end.

You owe them respect that you can show by letting their polictical differences rest. You've talked to them and they are holding fast. The. End. Closed subject.

Keep sending them the money they need. Keep giving them the love and respect they've earned by bringing you into the world, loving you and supporting you. And the next time you have some time reflect on all the gay people out there who don't have parents to send money to because they died, or cut off contact because their child was gay, or are still openly hostile toward their kid. They love and support you. To steal a phrase from Carolyn Hax, congrats, you won the lottery.

Product Slut: Because Whores Get Paid.

Have you seen my new earrings? New as in bought them about two months ago when I wasn't posting? Aren't they cute! They're little studs that I wear with my pirate charm bracelet. I love them! And they can be yours if you look on Amazon for skull earrings. Yea! I love these earrings! Now I need a skull ring to match!

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-24-08

Can we all agree that Carey Tennis sucks? I think we can. He seems like a nice enough guy but his advice is pretty lame. So here i'll post what I would have said because i'm bossy like that. I'll also cut down the navel gazing to the bare bones of the problem. I guess that's why these people write Carey Tennis, he's as longwinded and navel-gazing in his answers as they are in their questions. (Also stay tuned for other columns I Do-over. But most of the others I read are better than Mr. Tennis so i'm not sure how often that will be.)

I work with about 10 other individuals at a local nonprofit social service organization...One day a community center employee discovered that to clean our offices we could engage the services of a work-placement center that employs individuals who have developmental challenges...Our cleaning services happen while we are open. This includes vacuuming when we are trying to speak to people on the telephone. We have endured personal items broken with no responsibility taken. I understand this is a job over which they have no control, but they are often intrusive and disruptive. Often they do not clean well. Pictures are left smeary, items are often not placed back as found. They do not seem to be trained to stay out of people's space -- they have even lifted people's elbows to wipe under them, and have replaced papers on a damp surface. When using paper towels, they leave shreds of the towel about, not cleaning them up. Moreover, the odor of the cleaning solutions has bothered many of us...They clean by doing a particular task in each room (all connected) one at a time, i.e., all the wastebaskets are emptied, then they come back to vacuum, then to dust/wipe, etc., so they are constantly being disruptive or distracting. When they leave they come back to say goodbye. They do not understand the meaning of a shut door. They will knock, and knock again, and even when there is no acknowledgment from the person involved in a private phone call from the other side, they will still push the door open to wave goodbye...We do not want to hurt these guys, nor do we want them to lose the work placement. I do not think there is any way for them to have access to the building when it is not open with staff, so night cleaning is not feasible. Their supervisor is rarely there, and as it was not our office that made the arrangements, but the community center, with which we do not want to create any friction, we feel unable to complain...Everyone seems rather spineless when it comes to discussing this with the director of the community center, who inherited the situation. The men also clean the rest of the building, which she is responsible for.

Oh dear. This is bad. No one wants to hurt the disabled guys feelings, but something has to be done. This is what bothers me about so many advice columns I read. No one wants to hurt anyone's feelings, which is good, but then they confuse being assertive and asking for what you need with being mean, which is bad. What makes this especially bad is that your work is being disrupted and that is just not acceptable.

So let's review: Yelling at the guys when they're cleaning and calling them names or making snide comments to them is mean. Calling, meeting with or otherwise talking with their supervisor about this problem is NOT mean.

You find a way to contact their supervisor and tell him/her that the guys are nice and work hard, but there are a few things you need to talk about. First, they need to be trained to not disturb people while they are working. Second they should be instructed on how to clean without leaving smears and debris. Third, the schedule should be changed to only have them do those sorts of tasks once a week, and to see if you can allow them into the building after business hours. If that fails then you have to find a way to tell them nicely, but firmly, that you don't want your desk wiped, your picture frames windexed, etc. You will also have to talk to them and again, gently but firmly, tell them not to enter an office with a closed door. Put a sign up if you have too. "Quiet please, i'm on the phone" isn't mean. It's honest and it's what you need to get your work done.

At the end of the day developmentally disabled people are still people and this is a situation where you can treat them as you would any other person who is disrupting your work. The only difference is you go to the supervisor first since they may be more comfortable explaining things to the guys. But if you do need to the remind them not to dust your desk be nice but firm, same as you would any other custodian.

This is a fixable problem that just takes some balls. Find someone to sack up and talk to the supervisor.

Dear Drivers of Greenville, NC,

Please note that in North Carolina if you have your windshield wipers on, you must also have your headlights on. No, this doesn't apply if you are cleaning your windshield, but it does if it's raining due to a currently un-named tropical system off the coast. I should have flashed about six of you maroons today on my way to work, but I was too busy trying to drive in the afore mentioned un-named tropical system and not hit you idiots without your damn lights on! If you ignore this letter I hope you get ticket upon ticket until you realize that this is dangerous and you are stupid.

My unlimited love to you all,

Brandi

Who am I? Petey Pab Muthafucker!

How can you not like a song that starts that way? Really. And the man is from around here so it's even more awesome.

As with country music, I have about 25 rap songs that I like and this is one of them.

Remember a few years ago when the Carolina Panthers went to the Superbowl? No. Well I do. And the song they played when talking about us was "Carolina In my Mind", which is a great song. I heart James Taylor. But not for a FOOTBALL team! We're tough! We're badass! We're muscular! Play Petey Pablo! Maybe if we make it to the Superbowl again. Stop laughing. That isn't nice.

So take your shirt off, spin it 'round your head like a helicopter.

Vyvanse: Not so great akshulay.

At least so far. But I would expect a central nervous system stimulant to work the first day I took it. This isn't like an antidepressant or something. It needs to be working now. NOW!

The singing! The singing!

BTW, I still have The Sound of Music stuck in my head. Right now, the actual song The Sound of Music. Which I love, and feel a real connection to since I can so see myself singing on top of a mountain in a long dress. Josh likes to say that little birds help me get dressed in the morning, and well, it's not far from the truth.

Because nothing says Fun like a black box warning and an $87 co-pay.

Where to start. I guess I should begin by bidding aduei to my ole pal Ritalin. It's been fun. Only, not since the shit never worked for more than a few days. Of course it was fun only paying $10 for my medication.

Let me back up.

I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. It's sorta like Narcolepsy Light. 1/3 less sleep paralysis than that other sleep disorder! Cataplexy free! (Well, you can be cataplexy free with Narcolepsy too, but I digress.)

Basically my brain sucks and doesn't know when it's day and when it's night. And it tends to think it's night all the damn time. So even when i've gotten a full nine hours with no problems (i.e. sleep apnea, seizures, etc) i'm tired. Rug on valium tired. Look at my lawn from the mailbox and think how comfy it looks tired. Really, really tired.

The only real way to treat this sort of problem is with stimulants, so please don't comment that I need to exercise or eat better or get more sleep. The only way for someone with this problem to feel better and function is to use stimulants.

Now Provigil is the new hotness for these disorders, but the week I was on it I had the headache non-fucking-stop, so that's out. Ritalin has been the second choice for a long time, but after three months on it at various doses it wasn't helping. So I went to the doctor yesterday needing something new.

Now let me pause here to praise my doctor. First of all, he's hot. He reminds me of Dr. Rip Studwell on the Fairly Odd Parents. He's got the coiffed dark hair, the glasses, the manly jaw. He is, as some would say, conventionally handsome. Like the hero in every 1950's movie and TV handsome. Sigh...

He's also very smart, very nice, always explains the meds to me, and has only asked me once if my depression could be the culprit here. He also acknowledged that the Provigil could interfere with my birth control and also acknowledged that was a bad thing for me. I love it when a doctor shows me respect!

ANYway...

So the Ritalin was crap and I needed something new. He gave me Vyvanse since it has a lower risk of giving me migraines. Awesome. He also told me that it has a black box warning from the FDA about dependency. Not awesome. But I told him that I didn't think I have an addictive personality and that i've seen enough Intervention episodes to be very afraid of loosing control to a substance and that I would tell him right away if I felt that something like that was happening. He explained that this medication could cause tics and possibly mood changes. Again I assured him that anything strange would be reported to him right away. So after reassuring my doctor (it's nice to have a doctor who doesn't gloss over these things) I left with a prescription and instructions to take 30mg for a week and then go to 40mg after that.

Super. I wasn't a hopeless case after all. This could work.

I went to Walgreens last night to get the prescription filled. I was looking forward to getting up today and taking a new medication that might make me feel better. I was just like the actors in all those drug commericals thrilled that their herpes is better, that they can get an erection again, or in a newer one, taken a poo that morning. Better living through chemistry!

When my name was called I went to the counter to happily pay my $30 brand name co pay. Or $50 if the drug is really new and exotic or can be replaced by something else. (For example a freind of mine was charged $50 for Nexium since they felt that two Prilosec a day would do the same thing.) But, no matter. Wakefulness was in my reach! No fear of falling asleep on my drive home from work! No struggling to get through work! Hooray!

"Ok, that will be $87. 32."

Wait, what?

"Well, the prescription was written for 30mg for seven days and then 21 days at 40mg so we're required by law to fill them separately."

Ok, but why $87?

"Well the 21 caplets were $50 for your co pay and the seven days one was $37 which is less than your co pay would have been."

Oh. Ok. What can I do? I pulled out the charge card since paying the mortgage and all the bills has left us flat broke until Tuesday. I swiped the card and chose credit. Then a little message popped up:

$87.32 Is this amount ok?

Uh, no, it's not ok. It's too damn much for 28 pills. I'll give you the $50 co pay for the 40mg. But I want to know how much those seven 30mg would have been each. So we'll say a month supply is 30 pills at $50, that comes out to about $1.67 per pill. So $11.69 for seven. That's what I want to pay for those. I think that's fair. Sadly, Blue Cross disagress.

So I said yes, it's ok and left with my drugs much less excited. Of course by then it was 9:00 and I was about an hour away from turning into a pumpkin so I wouldn't have been too excited then even if my drugs were free.

So it's me and you now Vyvanse. I'm taking some fairly serious risks for you, not to mention your cost. You had better be worth it.

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Party Monster

First, yes, I know this is the third Movie of the Week. I've been meaning to post this stuff for a while. Now on to business.

Yesh. Should have be called Bad Movie Monster.

This was a really, really lame movie. I'm not sure what disapointed me more, the lack of actual information regarding the Michael Alig case or the horrific acting.

Well, ok, I can choose. The lack of any additional information or insight into Michael Alig and his charecter or motivations disapointed me more than the horrific acting, which was mostly Macauly Culkin and Seth Green trying and failing to act queeny. I must say though, I eventually got used to Seth Green and his queeny act. It was like a movie with subtitles. You adjust and get used to it and then you don't even notice that you're reading anymore. Culkin on the other hand, wow. Really bad. Really, really bad. I've not seen him in anything else as an adult, but I hope for his sake that he's a better actor than this movie made him out to be. I don't want the guy to starve.

I guess I should have expected less, but damn, who would have thought that the American Justice about Michael Alig and the Club Kid Murders would be more informative and entertaining?

I still have my hopes up for Party Monster: The Shockumentary , but it's pretty far down on my queue so I won't get to it for a while. Maybe by then I will have forgotten how bad the fictionalization of the whole thing is.

Rating: One star. I would have rather used the space to record an old Bridezillas episode. Those are entertaining.

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Dante's Inferno

Dante's Inferno is the 2007 version of, well, Dante's Inferno, done with puppets.

I'll let that sink in.

Yes, puppets.

It is brutally awesome.

No, really. It is. The story has been slightly updated to have modern examples of the sins that people were cast into Hell for. The puppetry is amazing. The whole thing is so cool I can't even describe it.

The one bad part was that I recorded it from Ovation TV and they show more commercials than you can beleive. Every two or three minutes I was skipping commercials. If you don't have Netflix and can't see this any other way then Ovation is probablly your best bet. But this is totally worth a rental.

Rating: Four stars: I may have to own this.

My own private Hell.

About a month ago I finally watched The Sound Of Music on ABC Family. Yes, finally. It took me 27 years to see this thing. (I don't count my first year of life when I wasn't really sentient enough to get anything that was going on around me. In fact, maybe I shouldn't count anything before I was potty trained. The line between going in my pants and going in the potty seems like a good line to draw for being aware of things.) So actually, we're going to say 26 years to see The Sound of Music. Why? I'm not really sure. I just never got around to seeing it as a kid, and the four hour running time scared me off as an adult. But it was Labor Day weekend so what the hell.

Of course like anyone with a soul I loved it. How can you not love it? The songs! Oh, the songs.

The songs have been on permanent repeat in my brain for the last four or five weeks. Seriously. All the time it's something from The Sound of Music. And boy does it get tired. I'm in my own private Hell, but it's a Julie Andrews, Rodgers and Hammerstein singy sort of Hell so I guess it's not that bad.

Speaking of Hell...

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Elephant

Dear Gus Van Sant,

Are you going anywhere with this son? That was my last mattress and bedtime's in an hour.

Triple points if you get that.

Anyway, even for a movie that wasn't compelling enough for me to see in the theatre or get from Netflix Elephant was disapointing, bad and overwrought. And it took for-freaking-ever to get to it.

And by "to it" I mean the school shooting. If I remember correctly the Elephant title came from the school shooting being the elephant in the room. But don't quote me on that, it's been a while. So I know that the whole thing was to drag out the suspense of waiting for the shooting, but in practice this sucked.

This sucked because Gus Van Sant felt the need to hit on every high school cliche out there. You have your pregnant teen couple, the kid with the alcoholic dad, the bulimic girls, the dorky girl who's uncomfortable with her body, and my goodness haven't we seen this all before? We have. Lots of times.

I know that avoiding cliches in a movie set in a high school is hard, but it's doable. It's even better if you pare down the cast of cliches and do some serious work on the charecters. But that didn't happen here. The whole story was as deep as a puddle.

Now I know that a story about a school shooting can be overdone. Like anyother tragedy it can be overwritten and overthought and try to assign blame to one thing or all things and this results in a bad movie all it's own, but Elephant felt like it wasn't even trying. It reminded me of the episode of The Simpsons where at the end they can't decide on the meaning of what's happened and Homer goes "It's just a bunch of stuff that happened."

Furthermore, the use of Fur Elise in the middle was just painful. PAINFUL! It went on forever and was so heavy handed about how this was all so important and tragic and watch the kid with the alcoholic dad walk down the hall where people will be killed soon, killed I tell you! And we cut to where one of the killers is playing this music and the other is on the computer SHOOTING PEOPLE IN A VIDEO GAME because it's all a game to them and is it the fault of the game? Maybe, maybe not. But how easily they can order guns off the internet!

And while i'm on the topic of heavyhandedness (shut up! it's a word!) the bulimic girls were as bad as the music. All three go into the bathroom (that has no one else in it eventhough this is lunchtime) and vomit up their lunch loudly. Oh the pain! Oh the tragedy of girls in this modern world! What is everything coming to! As if they never figured out how to keep it quiet (and they do, i've read plenty of bulimic's stories and they all learn to hide the noise), or as if one of the three doesn't vomit for some reason or keep lookout as they purge. It just didn't make sense to me.

You know what else didn't make sense to me? The side of beef in the school's freezer. Let me repeat that. The SIDE OF BEEF IN THE FREEZER OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL. Now, if you are not like me and have not seen Modern Marvels: Butchers or your grandfather was not a butcher himself, let me explain why this is stupid. After a cow is slaughtered, skinned, and cut in half that half or "primal" or side of beef is then cut into smaller cuts that are packaged and sold. You can buy a whole side of beef if you go to a farmer or a ranch, Kate Goesslin did it on an episode of Jon and Kate plus Eight. (The beef was organic if you're wondering why someone would do such a thing.) ANYWAY the only time halves of cows are left hanging around are when they are in the storage area of the slaughter house being aged and waiting to be cut up into smaller peices. So unless this school had a butcher on hand and so few kids that the five or six steaks that he could get out of that thing could feed everyone it's just plain stupid.

And then I thought to myself as I turned this movie over in my mind in the shower "What is this place? A slaughter house?" Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Boo. Minus ten points for clumsy symbolism. Minus twenty for naming one of the shooters Eric. Why not just call the other kid Dylan? And finally minus twenty more points for making the shooters gay. What was that all about? Were they picked on because they were gay? Closeted and angry because of that? Experimenting in the shower? What? We need some context here! This whole movie needs some context!

In fact, I almost stopped and deleted the thing without finishing it, but at that point I was an hour in and damn it I was going to finish. So I did, and it wasn't that great.

Rating: Two stars. Not awful, but not really worth the hour and a half it took up on the hard drive. Glad I didn't use a Netflix rental for it.

Dear Walgreens,

I know you've switching my Ritalin with Tic-Tacs. Fess up. I should not feel this shitty a mere two hours after taking my Ritalin. I don't know what sort of sick person would change out someone's sleep disorder meds with breath mints but you hired them. I demand a return of my $10 co-pay, an apology and a $500 gift card to compensate me for feeling so shitty all the time I should have been feeling better had I been getting my meds.

If you do not comply I will be forced to stage a sleep-in protest at your store until my demands are met.

You have 48 hours to respond.

Geekbride

Meh: Pizza Hut Tuscani Pastas

A couple of weeks ago our freind Michael came down and he and Josh indulged in some pasta from Pizza Hut. They were pleased with it but I didn't get any since I had already eaten that night when they weren't hungry.

So last weekend after seeing a few too many commercials for the macaroni and cheese with bacon we decided to order pasta instead of going for Chinese. Because cheese + bacon = sign me up!

I called our Pizza Hut which was out of pasta, then called the one in Winterville, had to drive out there to get it since they don't deliver ten minutes down the road to our house, paid an arm and a leg for a family size mac and cheese, a pepsi and a personal sized alfredo, returned home and settled in for starch and "The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Reifenstal". (More on that later.)

And, well, I was disapointed. The pasta wasn't bad, but it wasn't very good either. The mac and cheese was bland. I had to add salt! And the bacon flavor was not very prominent. The bacon should have been browned more and then mixed into the pasta while cooking, instead of used as a topping.

The alfredo wasn't great either. The sauce was again bland, the chicken was tender, but the herby crumb topping was way too herby and completely overpowered the rest of the ingredients.

So thumbs down. I still have a lot of the mac and cheese in the fridge and I should throw it out, but we paid a lot for it, so I hang on until it starts to grow things.

Speaking of Pizza Hut...

The smell of the place when we picked up the pasta got me craving a Pizza Hut pizza. This is the pizza I grew up with. We had a Pizza Hut right down the road from our house so we ordered there often and sometimes I just want a thick pan pizza for sentimental reasons. So a few days ago we ordered from our Pizza Hut (who was shockingly not out of pizza) and ordered a basic pan pizza with pepperoni and a cheese lovers for Josh. And again, meh.

But really more of ughhhh. Either I had forgotten how greasy this pizza is or they added a quart of grease since I last had this pizza years ago. The cheese was oppressive. The cheese on Josh's pizza looked like The Blob. I only ate two pieces and haven't touched the leftovers. I plan to reheat it tonight since again we paid an assload for this pizza, but i'm not really looking forward to it. After those two average sized slices I can only describe the way I felt as logy. As if I had eaten the whole thing. Ugh.

I guess i'm stuck with the anti-choice nutjobs at Dominos. I hate their politics, but they make a good pizza.

Damn kids!

So this is the magical time between the release of kids from their summer day camps and when their sticky asses go back to school. This means that parents have to make childcare plans and sometimes that means taking the spawn to work with them.

And that's ok in theory. I know childcare sucks in this country and there are situations where you just can't find anyone to look after the shorties.

But.

If you take your children to work, they need to be quiet, they need to stay where you are, they need to entertain themselves for the duration, and they should not disrupt others who are working. Period.

This week i've been subjected to the same two kids running amok in the hallway near my office while i've been attempting to work. Only my fear of a touchy parent has kept me from catching these kids and telling them to go back to their parent and stay there. But my fuse is very short at this point.

So if you must bring the kids along make sure they are prepared to hang out the whole day without being brats. Yes, I said it. Brats. If not, use your sick time, vacation time, take it without pay if you have to. Your reputation at work as decent person who respects their coworkers depends on it.

Things I have learned the hard way.

Don't buy the Teriyaki Chicken Ramen Noodles. Don't.

I know Ramen can get a little boring. Pork, beef, chicken, pork, beef, chicken. But these things are so gross I don't know who thought them up or who approved, or basically how these things made it to the market.

If you've never had teriyaki it's a little sweet. This is good on peices of chicken that are grilled, as a marinade for meat, and of course as a flavor of beef jerky. But turn that into Ramen and you get:

Sweet soup. Sweet soup people. It was one of the grossest things i've ever put in my mouth.

So save your dime. Or use it on a known winner, like Pork, my personal favorite. Or ignore me and try it. You'll be sorry.

Dear publishers of the Animal Crossing Wild World Strategy Guide:

Would it have killed you to mention that the jellyfish I desparately need for my museum comes out in the second half of August?

I guess it would have. Well I hope you amend this problem in the guide for the Wii version. I've spent the last 13 days fishing my ass off trying to catch one little 100 bell jellyfish with nothing. I thought my game was defective! Good thing I finally Googled it and discovered that my game is fine, that it is you and your strategy guide who are defective.

So two more days and i'll catch my jellyfish. Finally. You guys suck.

Sad news

I'm always a little surprised how much I care about the people whose blogs I read. But really when you read someone long enough it's like you know them. And when they write about hard things they're going through then you really feel close since you've shared their pain.

Manda got some bad news today. I've been praying for her. Join in the prayers and good thoughts. She really needs them.

One I wished we had played at the wedding.

As always, my unlimited love to you all.

Can't get enough of your love by Barry White.

Dear Shear Genius Writers: Are you HIGH?

It's ok, you can tell me. I'm cool. Hell, i'm so cool i'm watching your crappy summer time reality show and actually caring about it! So you need to come clean now, because I think this week's episode was equal to finding a pipe and some rock in your pants while doing the laundry.

Last week I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I thought, hey, they're experimenting a little, testing boundaries, drinking schnaaps in their freind's basement. Like all kids do. And I always said I wouldn't be one of those viewers who hovers and obsesses. After all you see what that got me with Gilmore Girls. So I watched as you wrote up a crazy color challenge that was pretty lame and then as you had everyone embark on the fool's errand of "updating" the hair styles from Charlie's Angels. That was just dumb. You can't update iconic styles like that. Not so much because they are iconic, but more because they are 100% 70s and 70s things updated just look really, really dumb. I know you've been lead astray by all these fashion magazines the last few years telling you that tie-dye is back and peasant shirts are the rage, but they're wrong. They aren't. And you can't update Charlie's Angels. And using Charlie's Angels since Jaclynn Smith is the host of the show is lazy. Come up with another 70's TV show to attempt a hair update on if you must. But again, I let it slide.

But this week. Well this week was just too bad for me to overlook. What the hell were you thinking with that stupid Food Instead of Styling Products challenge? Were you trying to be "green"? Well you blew that out of the water quick! Did you stop to think how much water and regular non-green shampoo it's going to take these people to get that crap out of their hair? Of course not! And did you think that by connecting the "green" styles to some futuristic, crazy shit that maybe you were painting a bad picture of people who DO want green products? No! And I know some of those items are good for hair. We've all heard about people using mayonaise or avacados to moisturize their hair, but some of that shit was fucked up! Squid? Anchovies? Corn syrup? Caramel? If your intention was to create styles that made the models smell like a sandwich and attract horse flies mission accomplished!

And after those horrendous "styles" you bring out dogs and their owners for some Make them Look Alike crap! And rather than focusing on the humans, who the contestants are trained to work with, you have them give both the owner and the dog a cut and style. It was honestly the dumbest challenge i've seen yet.

And I hope this is as low as it goes. I can't take much more stupidity. I stumbled on this show at the beach when there was nothing on and I didn't have my DVR or DVDs to watch. Keep this up and i'll not watch next season on purpose.

So for next week I hope you put the pipe down and wrote some challenges that focus on HAIR! If not, then I may have to turn you over to the Intervention writers and they'll send you off to rehab faster than you can say Kim Vo!

So very true.

What's the deal guys?

Scenes from our bedroom.

Early Tuesday morning. About 4:30.

I wake up for no apparent reason. In the blue glow of the buttons on his CPAP machine I can see he's wearing his mask. Good. The mask is the big hurdle to get over. For me the big hurdle has been the sound of the CPAP once it ramps up to 11 (insert Spinal Tap joke here). The sound of it blowing air into him and him exhaling that air out gets pretty loud. So I bought some ear plugs.

Now to see if Josh was actually using the CPAP and not just sleeping with the mask, I removed an ear plug. Sure enough the machine (who I named Pappy) was delivering his Continuous Positive Airway Pressure to my beloved, keeping him from waking up 200 times a night and thus having problems with depression, memory, attention span, blood pressure and increased risk for stroke. Awesome. Mission acomplished. So I squished my earplug back down and put it back in my ear. I remained propped up on my elbow as it slowly expanded. Just as it did Josh woke up and this coversation took place:

Him through the mask: "~~~~~~~~~~~~"

Me with earplugs in: "What?"

Him: "~~~~~~~~~ awake?"

Me taking a stab at what he said: "I just woke up. I'm waiting for my earplug to re-expand. I took it out to see if you were using the machine."

Him: "~~~~~~~~using it."

Me: "Well that's good. And the earplugs work so we won't have to get separate bedrooms."

Him happy enough to be heard through the mask and the earplugs: "Yea! Our marriage is healthy!"

Trust me, it was hilarious at the time. If you've never worn earplugs while your partner tries to talk to you through a mask pumping air into them I recommend it.

Image of "Dragon's Quilt" by Dragon Dreams

Things I've learned the hard way.

Don't buy cheap packing tape. I know $4 a roll for the Duck brand seems like a lot. But trust me, the cheap stuff will fill your life with misery and woe. It will twist, stick to itself, not stick to the box and peel up when you move the thing. It will get clogged in your tape gun and rip so that half of it is coming out while the other half is sticking. Cheap packing tape is one of those small things in life that either make it run smoothly or frustrate the hell out of you. Spend the extra money on the good stuff. You will thank me.

Layla. The way God intended it to be. The end.

Once while watching a Pantera video Beavis and Butthead hypothesized that if Pantera was to play on Unplugged they wouldn't unplug the pyros. The reason being that the pyros were what got Pantera where they were.

I feel the same way about Layla. If I had been Eric Clapton on Unplugged I would not have unplugged Layla. It is musical perfection. Of course I can't really blame Eric Clapton, I'm sure he didn't have much of a choice, it is The Eric Clapton Song. And I guess the unplugged version is ok. Josh gets annoyed when I grumble about the unplugged version so that's been put in the Not Arguing About It Anymore file along with how the channel guide for the satallite should be set up. (With the small channels at the bottom so you can press the up button and the channels get larger. Duh. Josh disagrees.) But this is my blog and Josh doesn't read it. So here is Layla, with all the kilowatt sucking electric guitar in place. The way it was, the way it is, the way it always shall be.

One more before I go home.

Ok, my Mom will disown me if I let the discussion of love songs go by without mention of Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen. It's my parent's song and certainly one of the best out there. This is the live version. Enjoy.

Since I'm feeling squishy...

I did not grow up listening to The Cure. My Mom hated The Cure. She used to say they needed a cure. That came with Prozac in 1991.

But before that little green pill changed society The Cure changed music by bringing Goth out into the light. But not for long, since the Goth kids only came out at night and were very pale and prone to sunburn.

I saw Robert Smith on some TV show a few years ago talking about how the love songs he wrote were so different from most love songs that tend to focus on beauty and sex. That always annoyed me about a lot of love songs. But not "Lovesong" by The Cure. The words are simple and sincere, the music gives you that fluttery feeling you get from being with your special person. So even though it took me many years I found my way to The Cure and one of the most beautiful love songs ever.

Wall-E - I can has love?

Wall-E is in fact the sweetest movie i've ever seen. This animated robot showed more personality than 98% of people i've met in real life, and better acting than 99% of actors that are popular now. I cried through out the whole movie because I was so touched at Wall-E's longing for a connection, for another like himself, for someone to hold hands with.

I guess I just empathized with Wall-E. Before Josh I had my life. I had school, work, my kitty Grizzabella. But like Wall-E I wanted something more. Someone to hold hands with. Of course I did find that, but that longing feeling is hard to forget.

So go see Wall-E. It's a wonderful, wonderful movie. But if you've ever been lonely, or sad, or felt like something was missing, get extra napkins with your popcorn. You will need them.

It's all been done. For real.

So today Carolyn Hax smacks down a pretty self centered groom who wants to inconvienence his whole family and his bride's whole family for a "unique" wedding.

Hax brings up the most pressing issues of money and time, two things no one ever seems to have enough of, and basically tells him to knit a ladder and get over himself. Well, not exactly. But hopefully he read her response and was at least a little ashamed of himself.

But this post isn't about that. It's about how rediculous and unattainable a unique wedding is.

This is an odious trend that's emerged over the last few years that seems to coincide with everyone on earth thinking that the sun shines out of their asses. (And yes I am aware that blogging is part of this trend as well. The difference is that i'm not forcing anyone to read my blog where weddings are usually must attend events for various reasons.)

Anyway, when I was planning the wedding I went over the various magazines Elegant Bride, Modern Bride, Obsessive Bride. And every other article was about how to really make this YOUR DAY and make sure that everyone in attendance remembered how cool YOUR DAY was and how to impress upon your guests how very unique you and your husband are. It got annoying fast. Thankfully I pretty much new what I wanted and didn't need the magazines for ideas, or help, or anything much beyond pretty pictures.

And some of the ideas were just overkill. Like having a mixed drink created for your wedding. First of all, who the hell would you go to for this? Second, hasn't every palatable combination been created by now? Third, how lame for your guests. What is a Ken and Tammy anyway? Oh, red wine, vodka and hot sauce. Sounds disgusting. Finally, how much would this cost? Probably a lot more than is really worth it. If you're going to have mixed drinks (and pay for them, no cash bars allowed) then just offer the basics that everyone knows and likes. It's not unique, but it's awesome for your guests and that matters a hell of a lot more.

Writing your own vows was a popular suggestion that i've bitched about here before. I've read about guests being subjected to Powerpoint presentations about the minutae of the couple's courtship as if we cared. And of course the destination wedding which screams "We're so cool you have to buy a plane ticket to see us get married!".

Now none of this is to say that your wedding has to be like everyone elses. If you really want to get married in the Bahamas then do it. But don't act like you're planning a vacation for everyone else you know and they should be chomping at the bit to attend your wedding. Because unless you're going to pay everyone's airfare, hotel and food expenses you have to understand that attendance would be a big deal for most people.

So how else can you make your wedding special? Well, how about making choices that matter to you? Hate white? Would you love to get married in this gorgeous pale blue evening gown you found online? Then do it. Hate roses? Love begonias? Carry them instead. Can't find a cake topper you like, but think Wall-E was the sweetest movie ever? Have Wall-E and Eve on the cake. There are thousand ways to make your wedding special to you without being rediculous about it.

Our wedding was really traditional. But we switched it up a little bit. We took communion instead of doing a unity candle. My Mom chose "This is a Day of New Beginnings" as the song for the ceremony. When the violinist flaked, my Mom sang it making it even more special. Instead of using the reception venue's punch I gave them the receipe that my family always uses. I danced with my Dad to "Brandi (you're a fine girl)" the song I was named for. Josh and I danced to Tori Amos' "Sleeps With Butterflies". To a lot of people our wedding would have looked cookie cutter. To us it was special because of these little decisions.

Which brings me to my final point. Don't be different for the sake of being different. If you like something then go for it. Who cares if everyone has a strapless dress and a tiara right now? If you feel beautiful in it, then wear it. If you always dreamed of dancing with your dad to "What a wonderful world" then do it. Don't try to come up with something different just to be unique. You'll only suceed in wearing yourself out, confusing your guests and possibly embarassing yourself. No one will care in ten years if your cake looked like everyone elses as long as it tasted good. So make your decisions based on what you like and what your guests will like. That's all that matters in the end, not being unique. Because unless you're getting married on the moon, I promise you it's been done before.

Manners 101: Things not to ask.

On the off chance that someone stumbles upon this blog and likes it, I think that I should do the world a favor and remind everyone of what is and isn't appropriate in our society. And by that I mean the US at this time. Your culture may vary, but by and large this is how we do and don't act.

Before I start though, I would like to point out that etiquette and manners are not meant to hold anyone back, to stifle their dreams or to be used as a club to bash people with. Etiquette and manners are there so that we may all move through this life comfortable and that those around us may do the same. As a simple rule of thumb if you think that doing or saying something would make the person you are directing your action to uncomfortable don't do it.

So we begin. Things not to ask.

1. Are you pregnant? When are you going to get pregnant? Don't you want kids? You aren't going to have a kid are you? Ever think you weren't meant to have kids? How can you be so selfish and not adopt? How could you choose a C-section and deny yourself the experience of childbirth? Why didn't you have the baby without pain meds? How could you have the baby at home? Why did you choose that name?

2. Are you still with that loser/at that crappy job/in debt/wasting your time on that?

3. Why don't you eat meat? What can you eat? How can you eat a helpless animal? How can you eat that, it's so gross/fattening/bad for you?

4. Who are you voting for? Why? How could you vote for them? Don't you know that they're responsible for every horrible thing that's happened this decade?

5. When are you getting married? Why aren't you getting married? Why aren't you changing your name? Why don't you elope? Don't you want a big wedding? How can you waste money on an engagement ring? How can you waste money on a wedding? Don't you know the suffering diamonds cause? How much was your ring? How big is the stone? Why didn't you get a diamond? Why did you split up? Didn't you value your marriage? How can you do that to the kids?

6. Why do you take that medicine? How could you buy into that corporate crap? You know this is all in your head right? Why don't you get over it already?

7. How do you afford that? How much do you make? How much did that cost?

8. When are you going to start going to church again? Why do you go to that kind of church? How can you buy into the childish notion of God? Don't you know that what you're doing is a sin?

9. Don't you know that (insert everyday thing here) is bad for the baby? Is that safe for the baby? Shouldn't you be staying home with the baby? How can you just leave your job? Why aren't you breastfeeding? When are you going to wean him? Don't you want your body back? How can you do that in public? How can you let strangers raise your child?

10. When are you going to loose some weight? When are you going to quit smoking? When are you going to go back to school? When are you going to cut your hair?

11. Have you tried exercising? Have you changed your diet? Have you tried this completely wacko cure I read about on the internet? Don't you know that (insert everyday substance here) gives you cancer/lupus/asthama/etc?

I think this covers most things. The problem with all of these questions is that none of them are your business. These things are between the person involved, their signifcant other and their doctor if that. You have no right to know, you have no right to ask.

Of course if you routinely ask these questions with the person in question then you're probably ok. For example I talk to my mom a lot about my sleep disorder, so if she hears of a new medication she'll ask me about it. But if my third cousin spends Thanksgiving telling me that my Ideopathic Hypersomnia is all in my head and all I need to do is eat more vegtables and excercise then that is way over the line. Because he's not a doctor. And he's not my doctor. And to assume that my doctor is a moron and that i'm dumb enough to believe his advice about stimulants and nuerotransmitters over his precious opinion is just plain rude.

Never assume that someone hasn't considered an option. Never assume that they are ignorant of alternatives to what they are doing. Never assume that they are not under the best care they can be. Never assume that someone has made a decision without thinking about it. And never, ever assume that you know better than them. Because it's their life, not yours. This is none of your business. And if your mom or grandma would tell you that then you need to shut it and ask a simple "So how have you been?".

One where I do all the work for you. You're welcome.

Ok, do you all remember the Sealab 2021 epsiode where Marco returns and kills Sharko and at the end he and Debbie sing?

Well considering that the only person who reads my blog is my Mom, I know that the answer is no.

Anyway, the song at the end of the episode has been stuck in my head and I had to read the Sealab forum at TWoP to figure out the song since it's in Portuguese. And I found it.

It's called Aquos de Marco or The Waters of March and is a famous Bossa Nova piece and was voted to be the best Brazilian song ever.

So here's the clip from Sealab, here's the Wikipedia page on the song, and here's the lyrics in both Portuguese and English.

This has been your Music Appreciation lesson for today. Quiz on Friday. And I triple dog dare you to not be singing this song for the rest of the day. (As best you can considering you probably don't speak Portuguese.)

Get out of my head!

This weekend Josh and I went to see Batman: The Dark Knight. If you haven't heard of it, it's a great movie. See if it's playing near you and try and catch it. Anyway, prior to the movie was a trailer for the movie of the Watchmen which featured the Smashing Pumpkins song "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" which was also on the Batman Forever soundtrack.

Anyway, Josh was always a big SP fan but this was one song he had never ripped from the album, so he promptly bought it from iTunes and has been listening to it non stop for the last two days, and since he has some killer speakers in his den, I've also been listening to it non stop for the last two days. It's a good song, and like the faster but similar song "The End is the Beginning is the End" which was also on the Batman Forever soundtrack.

So here. Share in my, not pain really, but it does get tiring with the same song stuck in your head. And here's the other song too.

As an aside, I am completely intrigued by the Watchmen trailer. Looks good. I like a nice, dark ass story. I was soooo close to being a goth kid it's scary.

It's me, in cat form.

Another day, another C-Section defense...

I'm always amazed at how empty and boring people's lives are.

I work, I have a husband, five cats, a home to maintain, dolls to dress, chores to do, internet surfing to take care of, about a thousand needle work projects, and a LOT of stuff on my tifaux to watch. Lots to do with my life, very little time to troll the internet to criticize people for how they have their babies.

But I guess i'm weird becuase honestly, I could really give a rats ass about how people give birth. Maybe, like I said, I just have other things to do. Or maybe it's because I entered the world via emergency C-section and my sister was born naturally (Yeah, I know all birth is natural, but that's how my mom always put it and I just can't use the V word when referring to my mother) that I don't see one way as fundamentally better than the other.

But i'm in the minority. As usual.

A few days ago Julie at A Little Pregnant had up a post about all the flack she had gotten about how she would probably end up with a scheduled C-section and telling these idiots to fuck off, and today Amalah posted about feeling defensive about scheduling a C-section for her second child.

And I just don't get it.

Yes, I know that mostly our bodies were designed to give birth, and that a lot of people find the medicalization of childbirth to be disturbing. Fair enough. I also think it's great that we are now able to choose to give birth with no pain medication if that's what we want. I understand that for some people giving birth at home is great experience. I know that some reasons for the higher rate of C-sections are crappy, like the doctor not wanting to get sued if anything goes wrong so we do surgery rather than accepting a small risk. Or the hospital wanting a bigger insurance payout for the more expensive C-section. I understand why for a lot of people a C-section is something they want to avoid. (Hell, i'd like to avoid it too. I'd like to avoid anything that involves cutting through my abdominal wall.)

What I don't understand is why we have to give each other so much flack for anything but a vaginal birth. Why we can't say 'Well, her circumstances were different from mine so I won't judge' or 'I'm sure she made an informed decision' or even more rare today 'I'll just mind my own damn business and not inquire about how this baby got here much less pass judgement on someone I don't know'.

A lot of things can go wrong with birth. My mom was fanny first, Josh had to be pulled out with forcepts, my heart wasn't beating right so they yanked me on out. People aren't all built to give birth. Sometimes the hips just aren't big enough. Sometimes babies are too big. Sometimes babies don't turn head down like they're supposed to. And who can argue with a chance of uterine rupture while attempting a vaginal birth after a c-section? That's a hell of a complication. To criticize someone over her C-section is to assume that she didn't talk to her doctor about the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy and birth and didn't make an informed decision. That's a pretty assy assumption. Especially when, as in Julie's case, terms like "drink the kool-aid" get thrown around. What an insulting thing to say.

So if you want to give birth in your living room surrounded by family fine. But when someone blogs about their C-section and you get the urge to criticize, leave the computer, go to Michaels and find your self a hobby. Maybe start by learning how to stitch a sampler that says "Mind your own business".

(Picture from Subversive Cross Stitch)

I'm in yur wedding dress...

Since this is still Geek BRIDE and I do still talk a lot about wedding things I thought I would post this.

Girl Crush: Dana Sculley/Gillian Anderson

Oh, Scully, you are so awesome.

Rebecca Traister has a great article up today about the complete and total awesomeness of Agent Dana Sculley.

Allow me to geek out a bit here.

I still love The X-files. I still think Mulder is so fucking hot he's runner up only to Johnny Depp. I refuse to watch any episode with Agent Doggett. I get pissed when people call Dana "Miss" Sculley. That's either Agent or Doctor to you jerkass!

But most of all I love Sculley and Gillian Anderson.

Agent Sculley is the definition of awesome. She is what girls need to be seeing on TV these days. She was fucking brilliant, funny, hardworking, not a slut, and she wouldn't hesitate to pull her gun on your ass. And with all that she had her soft side that she wasn't ashamed of. Sculley was so real.

Gillian Anderson is still tied with Tori Amos as The Most Beautiful Woman Around. She's not Hollywood hot and that makes her even more special. She hasn't done a lot of stupid paycheck pictures, she hasn't flashed her vag everywhere, she doesn't give stupid interveiws. She's lived her life out of the spotlight and stayed sane because of it. I would love to have coffee with her sometime.

Rock on Gillian. And rock on Sculley. I know you will. Either in real life or on my DVDs, rock on. We need you now more than ever.

NO! NO! NO! And, NO!

Today I have read two different advice columns where the writer said they felt like a third wheel.

NO! NO! NO!

The phrase is FIFTH wheel. FIFTH! A third wheel can be useful, a fifth wheel cannot! I know that there are things out there with five wheels, but mostly they could get by on four. That is what the phrase means! So you feel like a FIFTH wheel!

And while we're here, irregardless is NOT a word! And we all need to start slapping people who use it.

Please help me stop the idiocy!

Songs I love: Hall and Oates "Rich Girl"

I haven't gone into detail since i've been a right bastard about posting, but I have a sleep disorder. More info later, but basically I'm relying on Ritalin to make it through my days. However, to avoid some unpleasant side effects my dose was started low and is very graually being upped. So my days here at work are still brutal. But music helps. So here's a song I listen to frequently when I'm too fucking tired to make it another five minutes, much less another three hours.

Also this is a little shout out to my mom, who always loved Hall and Oates.

Best line:

"High and dry out of the rain, it's so easy to hurt others when you can't pain".

Fun fact I heard this song on the radio about a thousand times and loved it before I realized that it was Hall and Oates. Go figure.

So enjoy: Hall and Oates "Rich Girl"

Ps. I know it's Youtube and it doesn't have a video. Just enjoy the song without the moving pictures.

Monica and Dawn

So I had gotten off the Bridezillas train at least a season ago and i'm not sure why. Sure, since the first season it had gone waaaaaaay down in quality and had gone from Bridezillas ( a woman who is normal going nuts from the planning of her wedding) to Crazy Bitches Get Married (TM someone on the TWoP boards who was soooo right) but I think it was something else.

It's odd, but since I got married i've avoided shows having much of anything to do with weddings. Watching these shows just brings up the nostalgia for my wedding and even kinda pokes at a few things that went wrong and still sorta bug me. Like my Aunt Rita and her kids not being there or that the violinist forgot our wedding and didn't show up, or that my freind Stephanie who was supposed to be a bridesmaid couldn't make it. Nothing big, and certainly nothing that "ruined" the day or neccesitated a big crying freak out, but still make me sorta sad.

But, it's the middle of summer and there is NOTHING on TV so Bridezillas it is.

So Monica. Allegedly she's 24. I'm not buying it. If an updo makes you look 44 then you're at least 34. Girl needs to stop tanning and get some skin care stat or she's going to look like an unstuffed muppet in a few years. I like her gown, I thinks its one from Alfred Angelo that has your choice of like 50 colors on it and it's nice to see someone on this show who actually has the figure for a strapless dress. (Of course a lot of other girls on this show could have looked better in their gowns had they invested in proper foundation garments and some alterations. Strapless can work for big girls with a little extra effort. Otherwise you look like a hot mess. Katrina i'm looking in your direction...)

Anyway, Monica wasn't so bad. I question her judgement at getting married to a guy she's only known for five weeks (required disclaimer here about my parents getting married after four weeks and being together for 30 years) but at least she seems to like the guy. I think the men's tuxes were tacky and a little Guys and Dolls-ish and her bridesmaid's dresses looked more like prom dresses, but whatever. Personally I don't care for red as a wedding color. Red flowers don't look good in front of a white dress and red isn't a color that's easy to find complimentary colors for. But these are the trends. Anyway, nice wedding and the next time Monica is on TV (and you know there will be a next time) let's hope she doesn't share her bikini wax with us.

Dawn. Oh goodness. What to say except that she's a complete hosebeast. She berates her fiance for being fat when she's fatter than him, berates him for his table manners ignoring that she's being 50 times ruder by doing that, and doesn't even seem to like him all that much. Not that his manners weren't awful. They were. The man is indeed a slob. But there are nicer ways to let him know that than hiring an etiquette coach to observe then blindside the man in public.

Now is the time that I put on my psychologist costume (thick glasses, thick mustache and beard, and a pipe) and analyze these two. They've been together since high school which is not a great idea. They've broken up a few times and their problems are big enough for their families to be concerned about the overall wisdom of this relationship not to mention marriage. To me it seems that they're both scared of life without the other since they've been together so long with no real break to figure themselves out separately. They probably both think deep down that they couldn't get anyone else, and their families disapproval only strengthens their desire to stay together to prove them wrong. This is a trainwreck all around. (Removes psychologist costume.)

Another thing that struck me was her awful treatment of her bridesmaids. (BTW, it's great to see that Katie Holmes has escaped, but why is she hanging out with Dawn? I guess it's not unusual for someone to leave a cult and then get sucked back into a bad situation.) I guess i'm one of the few people who had the bridesmaids I did because they were my freinds and I liked them. I paid for two of their dresses. I found one a dress by another designer because nothing from David's Bridal had sleeves and she was all about some sleeves. I didn't berate them (how many times am I going to have to write that word today?) I didn't yell, or get upset or kick them out of the wedding. I didn't have crazy expectations of them. I didn't make them line up for inspection, force them to get updos and fake nails, or have them mke my favors, tie ribbons on our bubbles or any of that. I guess i'm just not a crazy bitch.

Anyway, that's what I thought. I await next week's episode wondering why I got back into this show.