Guess who's coming to the wedding!

Well I heard back from one of the videographers the other day. His charge was $600 for the whole event, but was willing to just film the ceremony for $300. That is, after he tried to convince me to film the reception as well with that old chesnut "Some of your guests may not be around much longer".

Now I know this person is here to make a living, but. First off when someone calls you up and specifically asks about fliming just the ceremony their mind is made up. Options have been weighed, pros and cons discussed and they have decided that giving up the keg at the reception is not worth having 100 people eating and doing the chicken dance on tape. So if you could stop bending my arm across my back I would appreciate it. I would also appreciate it if you didn't try to pry more money out of my pocket by reminding me that some of my loved ones may soon be meeting the Eternal Footman.

This is wrong on so many levels. How dare you use such a sad yet inevitible fact to increase business. I am well aware of how short and fucked up life can be. Part of our motivation for our wedding is that after seeing Josh's mother die young from cancer we have adopted a "no day but today" mentality. But that is for us to consider when making decisions and once they are made they should be respected. And can you please not bring up the grim spectre of death while we are discussing my wedding? I think that's just odd.

But I confirmed him to film. All the videographers I spoke with made this same play. I guess they don't get the same kind of business as photographers. A video is sorta extra. Even I considered it as an afterthought.

What surprises and annoys me is the focus on the reception. Granted most of the work is the reception, but the ceremony is the important part and the part I want to be able to relive. I want to see my dad walk me down the ailse. I want to hear the readings and sermon again. I want to watch Josh say his vows to me over and over again. And if one of us is the next to go I want the other to be able to relive the day we pledged our lives to each other if we want. That is way more important than the toasts or the cake cutting or the chicken dance.

Again with the ass...

I know it's been a while since my last post but i've been busy here in Greenville building an ark. It will come in handy since it seems that all of the town will be underwater within a day or two.

I've been slacking on the wedding stuff. I've been working on my bridesmaids gifts, but otherwise i've been on a bit of a break. I decided to rev it back up this week. Yesterday I took our engagement photos back and ordered prints for the paper and got a few tenative dates for my bridal portrait. We took my engagement ring in for it's three month cleaning and inspection and looked at wedding bands. We actually went ahead and bought mine. It was on sale and fit perfectly. It's 18k gold with 1/4 of a carat of diamonds channel set in it. It's sparkly and I can't wait to wear it. I tried on the 1/2 carat one but it competed too much with my engagement ring. I'm so excited!

While we were there we submitted for quotes on three different styles of titanium band for Josh. He likes the brushed look and the light weight. Fine with me. I want him to be happy and to wear it. I don't understand guys who won't wear their wedding ring. I know sometimes you have to take it off if you are working on a car or some other place where it's dangerous to have it on, but otherwise put it on!

Anyway. My tasks for today were to call a minister and a videographer. The minister is very nice. He is a retired hospital chaplain and was eager to meet us. I have a good feeling about him.

However, the videographer hunt hasn't turned out so well. Most want $1200 to tape the ceremony! Not the reception, just the ceremony! And one guy tried to strong arm me into taping the reception too! I drew a frowny face next to his name.

So back on the road to weddingville. I'll be the one walking down the road with a camcorder and a tripod trying to thumb a ride while the sad Incredible Hulk music plays.

Delete me first!

I know it's been a while, but I finally made an email account if any of you would like to email me.

geekbride2006@yahoo.com

No porn please. Well, nothing weird or illegal...

In this corner...Feminism! And in this corner...Marriage!

I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that these two are so diametricaly opposed. I could go into a long rant here, but i'll just post a link to an awesome Cary Tennis letter on Salon. As usual you will need to watch a short ad if you don't have Salon Premium, but this letter is worth it.

It's just like the Random Acts of Geekiness, what with the killing and all.

The other day I went to the post office in need of stamps. I don't like to buy the plain flag stamps or whatever boring design is the standard at the time. If i'm having to mail off my hard earned money to the trash people I should at least like the stamps I stick on the things. So I bought some of the newest stamps. I was overjoyed for this design. Finally someone whose work I really admire was getting some recognition.

When I got home I pulled then out for Josh and gleefully exclaimed:

"I have Katharine Ann Porter stamps!"

He gave me a funny look.

"Oh yeah, you never read Pale Horse, Pale Rider. You ought to. It's good stream of consciousness. "

We then had a discussion of the pros and cons of stream of consciousness. But yes, I have Katherine Ann Porter stamps, and they rock.

Hmm...Ok.

Dear World:

Thank you for your prompt solution to my shoe delimma. While these shoes are more than I had planned to pay, They are basic pumps with a rounded toe, not too skinny heel, and we all know I have a weakness for Nine West. Good show. Now, can you do something about this ridiculous skort thing? I bought what I thought was two nice skirts this weekend, only to find they had shorts inside them. Seriously. Either wear shorts or a skirt. Accept that sometimes you have to wear a skirt, and for those occastions learn to keep your legs together.

Love,

Brandi

Cinderella didn't have this problem.

Dear World,

Why is it so hard to find a plain white satin or crepe slip on pump with a rounded toe and heels that are thick enough to be stable? I mean really. I've been on more websites than I can count and all I can find are skinny heeled shoes or shoes with pointy toes. Do you want me to fall on my ass at the reception? Do you want me to have achy toes from being squished up in a pointy toed shoe? I didn't think so. So get on that. Now!

Love,

Brandi

Pluggy pluggy!

I don't normally shill for things unless I really beleive in them. And i'm not a big movie person, so if i'm recomending a movie you know it must be good. And so I heartily recomend Grandma's Boy.

This movie is, as Josh's friend Clay said, "Like Up in Smoke for gamers." True dat.

I laughed my ass off watching this last night while stuffing invitations. If you like dick and fart jokes, gags involving stoners and pot, and can laugh at gaming stereotypes this movie is for you.

And for those of you who have already seen it, two words: robot voice!

Gee, thanks Amazon.com!

Really, I don't hate Amazon. I really love Amazon. Almost anything I want, discounted and shipped right to my door. I have even grown to love Amazon Prime with the free two day shipping eventhough I think $70 a year is a little much and I only have it because I forgot to cancel it. I've bought some used books from outside sellers through them for 50 cents and then paid $6 to ship, but still a great bargain.

However, never look at the items they recommend for you. You will end up so freaking depressed, like I am now. I go through and see dozens of books I would love to read, TV series I would love to watch, books with hundreds of cross-stitch patterns I would love to do. But there isn't enough time. There will never be enough time. Unless you're Mr. Bemis, but even he broke his glasses. Life is way too fucking short.

I'm alone! I'm an insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Marriage or a PS3?

Slate makes an interesting case for the latter. I wonder which Josh would rather have?

The China Syndrome

Get it? It was a movie, and it's a post about the problems with my china pattern! Eh?

Fine. It's not that clever. But it's 12:47 in the morning, and not only have I cleaned up the house today, cut the back lawn and gone to work but I was up at the ass-crack of dawn when the douchebag across the street had his lawn service come cut his grass at SIX MUTHAFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING!!!! I am so egging his house next Halloween. Asshole. We've lived across from him for two years and the dick has never even waved at us. Fume.

Anyway, my point is I can only be so clever.

Especially when I am being consistently dicked around over my china pattern.

I have always wanted china. In the same way I always dreamt of a big formal wedding and a house in the 'burbs (I know i'm bourgeois, I don't care.) I always wanted china. Elegant grown up ladies had china. Special dishes of exquisite patterns taken out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversaries, or dinner parties. They stored them away for these occasions, and when the Eternal Footman had taken these ladies to the big bridge game in the sky, their china was a treasure given to children and grand children.

I'm sure i'm romanticizing it quite a bit, I did grow up watching Donna Reed reruns, but who can help it in today's society? People go through their cell phones like dental floss. I see people leaving the grocery store with disposable plates and cups all the time. They can't all be having a party or a picnic. I have a running joke with Josh that when Jesus comes back he'll find he's standing on a pile of styrofoam. I am reminded of the episode of The Simpsons where Bart takes Santa's Little Helper to obedience school. When Bart tries to convince the teacher to pass him even though he's terrible she says "Perhaps I cling to the old ways, as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered. BUT MY TIME HAS NOT PASSED YET!" Yeah, that's me.

So with that mindset I began to look at china patterns right after we got engaged. I wanted something that was not too old fashioned, but not so modern that it would seem gimmicky in 20 years. I wanted it to work with various decor, but not be too plain.

I spent hours online zooming into pictures, scrutinizing patterns, colors, and even the china itself. I dismissed many as too old fashioned. Some were too busy. There were a few that I liked, but the color was blah. I didn't give anything with just a band a second look. This is my china for goodness sakes! Knock it up a notch! And there were about three patterns I considered long and hard, but they all had the same fatal flaw: raised dots. All of them had these weird raised beads of china around the rim. No. This is not a motif i've seen before so it will undoubtedly go out of style at some point. I learned my lesson from the myriad of avocado green and harvest gold appliances and dishware at the Goodwill.

And then one day on the Bed Bath and Beyond site I found it. Royal Doulton "Litchfield". The colors are complex, but not too dark. The detail in the shading sets off the stylized petals and leaves. The dinner plate and saucer are simple, the border almost neoclassic. But then, the salad plate smacks you upside the head with it's bold art deco flowers. But it's not overdone. And finally the dessert plate and teacup take these elements and join them together like a beer and a coconut. I'm in lurv with this pattern. I <3 it. And yet...

No one carries it. NO ONE FREAKING CARRIES IT!!!! I called Bed Bath and Beyond today because it was on the website, but I couldn't add it to my cart or registry. They said it isn't available. So I looked at every website of every store I could think of in my area and in my family's area that would have a registry. Kohl's, Sears, Belk, JC Penny, Hechts, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Linens n Things (where we have our main registry), Nordstom. None of them carry it.

And I looked at the other patterns. None even came close. This pattern was dreamed up by Evil Brandi From the Parallel Universe Who Happens to Work at Royal Doulton to tease me. At this point my best bet is to register either with Amazon or Royal Doulton themselves. Don't think I won't do it!

But for now it's off to bed to dream of dinner parties with my perfect china and the ladies from the neighborhood. Where i'll have a poofy skirt and pearls and high heels to hang around the house in. And when they're gone i'll mop the floor in the pearls and the heels, and maybe take a few valium. Mmmmm, valium....

And Josh can make special appearance as my shy, nerdy milkman who needs the love of a good woman to

Wait, am I still typing? Crap! I am!

Well, off for a night of warm milk and Bible study... Mmmm, warm milk. Man.

What's in a name?

After toying around with a few alternatives i've made my decision. As of October 21st I will become Mrs. Brandi Hasty. How permanent is this decision? After all, i've been flopping back and forth between china patterns for weeks now and i'm still not sure if i'm going to wear the gloves I bought for my dress. Well, in August I will allegedly be moving from my current office to my new office in a recently remodeled building on campus. Two weeks ago we donned hardhats and met with the architect to see our new digs among the ongoing construction. At the end of the tour he handed my boss a form to fill out for our sinage. So what would be by my new door?

I had pretty much always planned on changing my name. The hyphenation thing was just akward, and I have known so many awesome women like my mom who changed their name. Even my shero, my boss' wife changed her name. So why not me? It just feels right. I get giddy now when I use my debit card, knowing that it will be new and shiny in a few months. When I ordered the monogrammed tote bags for my bridesmaids gifts I ordered one for me too, with my married initials. I picture myself carrying it aboard our cruise ship for our honeymoon, the latest in a long line of Mrs. Hastys.

What it boils down to for me, and for the author of this article, is that if taking my husbands name is a crucial blow to feminism then we really haven't come as far as we think we have. There are so many other things to worry about and fight for. For heavens sake there is a law going through congress right now to give insurance companies the right to not have to cover mamograms or birth control pills! How fucked up is that? And someone's going to get all pissy over what's on my driver's license? Fuck that shit. Feminism was and still is about choice. And i'm choosing a new name. If you don't want to, fine. More power to you. Just don't get all up in my business when i'm in front of you at the DMV with my marriage license and a goofy grin.

(Note: you may need to watch a breif ad to read the article if you don't subscribe to Salon.)

Move it along, nothing to see here!

Things are coming along a very nice pace. I finished the favors without gaining fifty pounds. Our cake server set and fruity pen arrived Monday night. I've finally decided on an invitation. I just ordered a few things for my bridesmaids gifts which are going to be pretty cool in my opinion. And today is the day of our engagement photo. And did I mention I bought my garters? One pretty one to keep, one cheap blue one to toss. I have been a regular wedding planning moe-sheen! I wonder what i'll do to keep occupied over the next five months....

It was the best of favors, it was the blurst of favors.

So I finally settled on a favor. Or rather a container for favors to go in. I liked these a lot. They were pretty cheap, sturdy, and every other tote style bag or box had a heart shaped handle, like, wow, that is pretty treacly. So I ordered them, they came in and began to stuff them with Werthers Original. The problem is that to do this I have to have massive quantities of Werthers Original in the house. And, well, i've sorta been inhaling them. Think Homer with the alcohol fueled car. "One for you, one for me..." I'm almost done though. I think one more run to Food Lion to clean them out will do it. Then the accursed favors will be boxed up, taped up and put in the bottom of the closet for the next five months where I won't be tempted by their buttery goodness.

Tuxes, tails and brain eating snails.

Josh's tux appointment is today at 3:00. I'm not really looking forward to this. First of all, I really, really need a nap. Secondly, the people in the store were not quite as nice to me when I called to make an appointment at the people at David's were with me. Despite that i'm sure it will all go fine. We, well I, know what we want for the wedding. Classic black tux, no tails, single breasted with three buttons. Vest rather than cummerbund and a bow tie. Josh has asked me to come along since to him I just slipped into Charlie Brown's teacher mode. Also he gets a free tux rental since I bought my gown at David's, and I may need to be there to get that.

What i'm really dreading is leaving the tux shop and heading down to Fantastic Sam's to get my haircut. I've been putting this off for a while, but with our engagement portrait next week I just can't delay any longer. I'm a wash and wear girl so anything more tedious than brushing my hair is a pain in the ass for me. But I know it's for the best so i'm going to just fucking suck it up and do it today. And then take a nap on the couch when I get home.

And as a little aside, happy Administrative Professionals Day to all you Administrative Professionals, Office Managers, Office Assistants, Regular Assistants and Secretaries out there. We are the Mom's Freindly Robot Oil that keeps the robot of business going in this country. So if your boss or co workers don't do anything special for you today treat yourself to a Krispy Kreme and a Starbucks. Or some ColdStone. Or a smooth refreshing martini. Or a nap under your desk Costanza syle. You deserve it. And tomorrow get revenge on them by "misplacing" their stuff. Just remember to blame the guy who doesn't speak english. Oh Tibor. How many times have you saved my ass...

Well, desserts aren't always right...

We just returned from eating at our favorite Chinese restaraunt. It reminded me that I forgot to post something strange.

We ate there a few days after getting engaged. Most of dinner I spent admiring my new ring sparkling in the low light. The rest of the time I was fretting over giving up control of the cake. I seriously thought about how I could pull it off. Then the waitress brought us our check and two fortune cookies.

I opened mine up expecting the ususal lame saying instead of an actual fortune. It said:

"A beautiful cake awaits you."

I started laughing my ass off. I handed it to Josh who gave me a look like the sky itself had opened up and this piece of paper had floated down.

I still have the fortune which will be put either in a memory box or a scrapbook. But whenever we go back I always look in their coat room at the boxes of fourtune cookies and wonder if there's a box marked "Bake it yourself" next to one that says "Stick with your wife".

I still have some issues with your Random Acts of Geekiness.

Time: 2:00 am.
Location: Master bedroom.
Cats: kicked out.
TV: tuned to the replay of Adult Swim.
Humans: Snuggled down into bed.
Activity: Pillow talk.

We join the converstion in progress:

Brandi: Given my family history i'm way more worried about heart disease than cancer. It's the number one killer of women in this country.

Josh: Wow. Our kids are screwed.

B: Everyone's kids are screwed. Pull any random person out of line at Food Lion and ask them. They have all sorts of fucked up diseases in their family.

J: That's true. I think we'll cure cancer at some point.

B: I don't think we'll cure it per say, but I think that we'll be able to vaccinate against it.

J: But how do you vaccinate against something that may already be in our genetic code, but may or may not be activated by enviroment?

B: I don't mean a vaccine like that. I mean a vaccine that will make our bodies recognize abnormally dividing cells and destroy them, rather than letting them grow unfettered.

J: See I think nano-bots will do that in the future.

B: I don't know. I think nano-bots will be clearing out arteries, putting in stints, taking bioposy samples, stuff like that. I don't think they'll ever get down to the cellular level size wise. I just don't see how we could build something that small and include the intelligence to know cancer from healthy cells.

J: They've done some cool stuff.

B: Where are the studies? Why haven't I heard about it?

J: I don't know man, i've heard about this stuff.

B: Well, next time show me. I'm curious. But I still don't think that nano-bots will be blasting away cancer.

J: Not in our lifetime. But our kids will see that.

B: Ok, fine. If we look down from Heaven one day and see nano-bots I owe you a Coke. Or Pepsi, i'm sure there's an exclusive contract or something in the works.

J: I'd rather have a Pepsi. Well, I can drink either.

B: I prefer Coke. It's not as cloyingly sweet...

Link! No, not the kid from Zelda.

Here are a few links I find quite enjoyable.

A Little Pregnant is an awesome blog taking you through one woman's experience with infertility. It's funny and avoids a lot of the Angel Baby crap you usually encounter with this type of topic. Read the archives. It's worth it.

Veiled Conceit. New York Times Wedding Announcements + Snark = Need I say more?

Homestar Runner. Flash animation. Goofy charecters. Old video game references. They have it all.

Go Fug Yourself. These people hate Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton as much as I do. I didn't think that was possible.

Outpost Nine: I am a Japanese School Teacher. Ever wonder what it would be like to teach middle schoolers in Japan? Well, scratch your head no longer.

Finally, Television Without Pity. If you are a TV geek like myself this site is like coming home to freshly baked cookies and cold milk. And then adding some Kahluha to that milk, because, well, why the hell not?

Oh, you were expecting lots of wedding sites. Hmmm. I have a post about that coming. Until then check these out and be happy that I have not become the wedding.

I still know about your Random Acts of Geekiness.

Before I begin this post I would like to state that I have nothing but the utmost respect for law enforcement officers of all kinds. I appreciate the sacrafices they make to keep us safe and pray for their safety in the line of duty.

That being said.

Like any good geeks Josh and I have quite a few inside jokes, allusions and ongoing gags with each other. One of these is that when we see a police car with the siren on, we joke that the hot light must be on at Krispy Kreme. (If you are an unfortunate soul who doesn't live near a Krispy Kreme, the hot light is a neon light they turn on when you can get your Orignal Glazed doughnuts hot and fresh. This is when they are at their best. Warm little melt-in-your-mouth innertubes of love. Mmmmmm...doughnuts...)

Anyway. I couldn't sleep last night, so I woke up dead tired. I knew what I needed. A sugar and caffeine infusion. So on my way to work I pulled into the Krispy Kreme with my big refillable coffee mug. I looked up and the hot light was on. Just as my mouth began to water, I noticed that one car in front of me was a police cruiser.

What did I do? Well I pulled out my cell phone and called Josh. He was asleep since he had the day off today. But I woke him up to share that I had seen a police car at Krispy Kreme with the hot light on. We got a good laugh. Nothing like inside jokes to keep the bond strong.

I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman.

I also don't beleive in bridezillas.

Shocking I know. There was even a TV show called bridezillas. If it's on TV then it must be true. Right?

No. Most of those women were not bridezillas. A few of them were uptight bitches, but mostly they were just dropping a shit load of money for a wedding and wanted the shit right. I can relate. I think it was definately skewed toward making them seem worse than they were. And I think it's pretty fucked up for WE, Women's Entertainment for goodness sakes, to consistantly portray women in such a shitty light. But that's another post for another time. And most likely another blog. Anyway...

A bridezilla is a woman who goes nuts and becomes bitchy, pushy, mean, controlling and unpleaseable while planning her wedding. We all know one, or know someone that does. So how can they not exist? The key is in while planning her wedding. Therein lies my thesis.

I think that if you act this way while planning your wedding then you act this way while ordering a combo at Wendy's. And guess what: It's unacceptable either time. I call bullshit on every excuse given for this behavior.

"I'm just demanding." Sorry. Demanding is rude. You can politely and professionally explain exactly what you want and do not want with out demanding anything.

"I'm a perfectionist." Meet my good friend Paxil. Nothing on this earth is perfect. Nothing. Not even your flawless, colorless diamond. At the very least it's overpriced, and it's also probablly small. Your cake, flowers, gown, hair, day will not be perfect. Accept it or get therapy.

"I'm a control freak." See above. Unless you can do everything from baking your cake, to engraving your invitations, to making your gown, and being everywhere at once on your wedding day, you will have to trust others. And no, calling and checking on something 20 times will not up the chances of it being right. Meet my other good friend, Klonopin.

"I'm paying good money for this." You and everyone else. I'm paying $500 for my flowers. If the other bride he's doing that day is paying $200 does that make me more important? No. Does it give me the right to be more pushy or rude to my florist? No. It means I have chosen more expensive flowers. The end.

"I won't be walked all over." Neither will I. I will carefully read my contracts before signing them and ask questions. I will keep organized records. I will firmly but professionally call attention to things that are wrong. We'll talk about it like adults and reach a decision or compromise. Because that's what grown-ups do.

"It's wrong!" Can you do anything about it now? If yes, see above. If no, I believe you've met Klonopin. Seriously. Is your cake dusted with D-Con instead of pink rose petals? No? The petals are light purple instead of pink? Well, set up the guillotine! Seriously. As long as the mistakes aren't going to make you or your guests sick or in danger, deal. Now, that's not to say that you can't discuss this with your vendor Monday morning, or at an appropriate time and place that day, but pitching a fit 15 minutes before you walk down the aisle is all sorts of wrong. Put it out of your head long enough to marry your fiance. Remember him? Remember the big religious, legal, and social ceremony you are about to take part in? The whole point of this day? Concentrate on that for half an hour. Then determine what if anything can be done. If nothing, well, hit the bar and have a good time.

"I just want it right." Me too. It's a lot of work and a lot of money. There are a lot of people who will witness the fruits of your labor. But you can make sure it's right without being rude. And it can be wrong without having a stroke.

Bridezillas are a figment of our imagination. We give this behavior a name so we don't have to call it by it's other uglier names. Rudeness, selfishness, rigidity, plain old bitchiness. We don't want to say these things to our freinds, our family members or even our fiances. But what we forget is that they were like this before the wedding, and they're going to be like this after the wedding, so maybe we need to seize the day and bitchslap them back into reality. Not just for the vendors who were unfortunate enough to land their business, but for all of us. All of their friends, realtives, co-workers, neighbors, and yes, even us other brides.

Because of them when someone notices a ring on your finger or answers a phone call about a wedding the defenses go up. And sometimes there is no getting those defenses down. They are waiting for you to throw your Martha Stewart Weddings on the table and begin sobbing. That's no way to do business.

As the great Tori Amos once sang "I believe in peace. I believe in peace, bitch." I do believe in peace. I don't believe in bridezillas. Unfortunately I am forced to believe in rude, pushy, mean, inflexible people who happen to be brides and are giving the rest of us a bad name.