Shelayna

So Shelayna and Bart's saga wrapped up last night. Before I begin though, I must say one thing. The past two seasons of Bridezillas has sucked. I love the first season. I could watch it over and over again. I love the music, the classy weddings, the fruity announcer. It rocked. But these last two seasons have been awful. Most of the girls are so far from bridezilla territory it's laughable, the music is horrid, and I wish a slow painful death on the announcer. Anyway...

My overall impression of Shelayna (yes that is her name and yes that is how you spell it) was that she needed a Xanax smoothie fast. Why? Well, her fiance Bart has the mind of a five year old. He annoyed the hell out of me. And if I had to hear her say "Bart" in that nagging/whining tone again I was going to have to strangle her.

I know that opposites are supposed to attract and that someone free spirited can help someone too serious lighten up and they can help the other be more grounded, but not in this case. This time they are too opposite and will only suceed in annoying the piss out of each other and everyone around them.

Bart just didn't seem right. He proposed as she got out of the shower? The balancing stuff on his chin? The freeballing in his tux???? Even Josh was grossed out/stupefied by that one. What the fuck? You can't wear underwear on you wedding day? And Josh isn't a stuffed shirt. He wears khakis that have had the bottoms walked off and t-shirts that need to go into the rag pile and even he couldn't believe the freeballing. That boy ai'nt right.

And Shelayna is everything I don't want to be. Late, annoyed at my intended, stressed to the point of tears and yelling. Somebody get her a Klonopin, or a beer or a Tylenol PM. Anything to take the edge off.

However, I can see her being super upset at Bart's brother and his pocket full of beer at the rehearsal. That's ten kinds of wrong. I'm no Puritan, but you don't drink in church. Especially at the altar during a wedding rehearsal!!! Again, those boys ai'nt right.

Over all I don't think Shelayna was a bridezilla. She just needed a tranquilizer and a grown man to marry rather than a child. Here's hoping that most of it was an act for the cameras.

What i've been up to...

• 
  What i've been doing in the past week since my last post:
  
  Working on my first Mirabilia pattern
  Working on my bridesmaids gifts
  Working
  Trying to keep our house clean
  Neglecting the back yard
  Being attacked by a cricket in the attic as I pulled down the ladder causing me to drop it on myself and wind up with a nasty bruise
  Referring to the bruise as "the Chupacabra bite"
  Kinda liking Paris Hilton's song
  Hating myself for liking Paris Hilton's song
  Celebrating a my birthday with my parents
  Celebrating Josh's new job
  Having my bridal portrait done
  Watching Bridezillas. Sorry, Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidezillas!
  Reading the recaps of Bridezillas
  Planning a series of posts on the Bridezillas
  Making the switch from Effexor to Cymbalta
  Coping with the change in sleep that has come from that change
  Making Josh watch weird, gross and creepy X-Files (Chaco Chicken anyone?)
  Lusting after David Duchovny (Mmmmmmm....)
  Treating Josh's wart, which is huge and speaks German
  Nervously counting the days until the Big Day
  Planning the rehearsal dinner
  
  And finally,
  
  Setting the above picture as my wallpaper at work where it makes me laugh everytime
  
  Post about the BP coming. What a story that was...

Woo Hoo! We Win!!!

No, not the NC lottery. But after shacking up for almost four years North Carolina just made it legal! You thrush your pelvis, ugh! You thurst your plevis, ugh!

I love it when asinine laws are struck down!

Geeks rule.

As anyone reading this blog knows there is a lot of shit slung about gamers and geeks in general. Too often we are charecterized as paranoid malcontents, weirdos, obsessives, 40 year old virgins and children in adult bodies. Our interests are regarded as foolish, strange, boring, and if your interest is video games, potentially lethal. (Confidential to Jack Thompson: Go fuck yourself.)

But what do they know? Fucktards. And next time anyone wants to give you shit ask them if they heard about the World of Warcraft guild that saved a cancer patient from financial ruin.

That's damn fine tea you have here in Atlantic Beach. Damn good fries too.

The following is a list of unbride-like things I consumed this weekend:

One Bojangles country ham biscuit on the way out of town.
Several Butterfinger flavored Chewy Granola Bars.
Two baskets of hushpuppies and butter.
North Carolina blue crab meat panned in butter.
Stringbeans cooked with country ham.
Fries.
Sweet tea.
A mint chocolate chip milkshake.
White chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
A Cubbies Cheeseburger with Freedom fries (insert eyeroll here.)
More sweet tea.
Beef Jerky.
8 oz. sirloin cooked meduim well with A-1.
Baked potato.
More fries and sweet tea.
Three slabs of fudge from the Beaufort Fudge Factory (in peanut butter, chocolate and butter pecan).
A 1/3 pound cheeseburger from Finz with, you guessed it, fries and sweet tea.
Many, many pouches of Capri Sun.

It's a good thing my mom is small like me. That way in 8 days when my bridal portrait is done she can hide behind my skirt and hold my bodice closed.

Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!

As of Saturday my driver's license is expired. Today I am booked solid (not really, but until 5:00 when the DMV closes) so I guess tomorrow I will go to the DMV and wait until my next birthday to renew my license. Until then I plan on driving the exact speed limit, always using my turn signals (which I do anyway) and feigning ignorance if I do get pulled.

But what really irritates me about all this is that in three months I will have to go and have my name changed on my license. So more money to the DMV and another hellish wait.

Now I am the queen of saying that "it's just a thing" and not a big deal. And this isn't really a big deal. But it's a small annoying deal worthy of a Sideshow Bob stepping on multiple rakes grumble.

Who's cravin' Morehead? Apparently I am.

This Saturday I turned the the big 2-5. Now my age can be expressed in quaters of centuries. So to celebrate Josh and I went to the happiest place on earth.

No, not Disneyland/world. Atlantic Beach, NC. And the neighbor towns of Morehead City and Beaufort. Technically we went to Morehead City and visited Atlantic Beach and Beaufort. Why? Well, someone forgot to make hotel reservations in time to stay at our usual hotel. Possibly while high. Cypress Hill i'm looking in your direction.

Anyway, for the next few days I will be posting about all the ways one can geek out/nerd it up at the beach. There are more than you may think.

Guess who's coming to the wedding!

Well I heard back from one of the videographers the other day. His charge was $600 for the whole event, but was willing to just film the ceremony for $300. That is, after he tried to convince me to film the reception as well with that old chesnut "Some of your guests may not be around much longer".

Now I know this person is here to make a living, but. First off when someone calls you up and specifically asks about fliming just the ceremony their mind is made up. Options have been weighed, pros and cons discussed and they have decided that giving up the keg at the reception is not worth having 100 people eating and doing the chicken dance on tape. So if you could stop bending my arm across my back I would appreciate it. I would also appreciate it if you didn't try to pry more money out of my pocket by reminding me that some of my loved ones may soon be meeting the Eternal Footman.

This is wrong on so many levels. How dare you use such a sad yet inevitible fact to increase business. I am well aware of how short and fucked up life can be. Part of our motivation for our wedding is that after seeing Josh's mother die young from cancer we have adopted a "no day but today" mentality. But that is for us to consider when making decisions and once they are made they should be respected. And can you please not bring up the grim spectre of death while we are discussing my wedding? I think that's just odd.

But I confirmed him to film. All the videographers I spoke with made this same play. I guess they don't get the same kind of business as photographers. A video is sorta extra. Even I considered it as an afterthought.

What surprises and annoys me is the focus on the reception. Granted most of the work is the reception, but the ceremony is the important part and the part I want to be able to relive. I want to see my dad walk me down the ailse. I want to hear the readings and sermon again. I want to watch Josh say his vows to me over and over again. And if one of us is the next to go I want the other to be able to relive the day we pledged our lives to each other if we want. That is way more important than the toasts or the cake cutting or the chicken dance.

Again with the ass...

I know it's been a while since my last post but i've been busy here in Greenville building an ark. It will come in handy since it seems that all of the town will be underwater within a day or two.

I've been slacking on the wedding stuff. I've been working on my bridesmaids gifts, but otherwise i've been on a bit of a break. I decided to rev it back up this week. Yesterday I took our engagement photos back and ordered prints for the paper and got a few tenative dates for my bridal portrait. We took my engagement ring in for it's three month cleaning and inspection and looked at wedding bands. We actually went ahead and bought mine. It was on sale and fit perfectly. It's 18k gold with 1/4 of a carat of diamonds channel set in it. It's sparkly and I can't wait to wear it. I tried on the 1/2 carat one but it competed too much with my engagement ring. I'm so excited!

While we were there we submitted for quotes on three different styles of titanium band for Josh. He likes the brushed look and the light weight. Fine with me. I want him to be happy and to wear it. I don't understand guys who won't wear their wedding ring. I know sometimes you have to take it off if you are working on a car or some other place where it's dangerous to have it on, but otherwise put it on!

Anyway. My tasks for today were to call a minister and a videographer. The minister is very nice. He is a retired hospital chaplain and was eager to meet us. I have a good feeling about him.

However, the videographer hunt hasn't turned out so well. Most want $1200 to tape the ceremony! Not the reception, just the ceremony! And one guy tried to strong arm me into taping the reception too! I drew a frowny face next to his name.

So back on the road to weddingville. I'll be the one walking down the road with a camcorder and a tripod trying to thumb a ride while the sad Incredible Hulk music plays.

Delete me first!

I know it's been a while, but I finally made an email account if any of you would like to email me.

geekbride2006@yahoo.com

No porn please. Well, nothing weird or illegal...

In this corner...Feminism! And in this corner...Marriage!

I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that these two are so diametricaly opposed. I could go into a long rant here, but i'll just post a link to an awesome Cary Tennis letter on Salon. As usual you will need to watch a short ad if you don't have Salon Premium, but this letter is worth it.

It's just like the Random Acts of Geekiness, what with the killing and all.

The other day I went to the post office in need of stamps. I don't like to buy the plain flag stamps or whatever boring design is the standard at the time. If i'm having to mail off my hard earned money to the trash people I should at least like the stamps I stick on the things. So I bought some of the newest stamps. I was overjoyed for this design. Finally someone whose work I really admire was getting some recognition.

When I got home I pulled then out for Josh and gleefully exclaimed:

"I have Katharine Ann Porter stamps!"

He gave me a funny look.

"Oh yeah, you never read Pale Horse, Pale Rider. You ought to. It's good stream of consciousness. "

We then had a discussion of the pros and cons of stream of consciousness. But yes, I have Katherine Ann Porter stamps, and they rock.

Hmm...Ok.

Dear World:

Thank you for your prompt solution to my shoe delimma. While these shoes are more than I had planned to pay, They are basic pumps with a rounded toe, not too skinny heel, and we all know I have a weakness for Nine West. Good show. Now, can you do something about this ridiculous skort thing? I bought what I thought was two nice skirts this weekend, only to find they had shorts inside them. Seriously. Either wear shorts or a skirt. Accept that sometimes you have to wear a skirt, and for those occastions learn to keep your legs together.

Love,

Brandi

Cinderella didn't have this problem.

Dear World,

Why is it so hard to find a plain white satin or crepe slip on pump with a rounded toe and heels that are thick enough to be stable? I mean really. I've been on more websites than I can count and all I can find are skinny heeled shoes or shoes with pointy toes. Do you want me to fall on my ass at the reception? Do you want me to have achy toes from being squished up in a pointy toed shoe? I didn't think so. So get on that. Now!

Love,

Brandi

Pluggy pluggy!

I don't normally shill for things unless I really beleive in them. And i'm not a big movie person, so if i'm recomending a movie you know it must be good. And so I heartily recomend Grandma's Boy.

This movie is, as Josh's friend Clay said, "Like Up in Smoke for gamers." True dat.

I laughed my ass off watching this last night while stuffing invitations. If you like dick and fart jokes, gags involving stoners and pot, and can laugh at gaming stereotypes this movie is for you.

And for those of you who have already seen it, two words: robot voice!

Gee, thanks Amazon.com!

Really, I don't hate Amazon. I really love Amazon. Almost anything I want, discounted and shipped right to my door. I have even grown to love Amazon Prime with the free two day shipping eventhough I think $70 a year is a little much and I only have it because I forgot to cancel it. I've bought some used books from outside sellers through them for 50 cents and then paid $6 to ship, but still a great bargain.

However, never look at the items they recommend for you. You will end up so freaking depressed, like I am now. I go through and see dozens of books I would love to read, TV series I would love to watch, books with hundreds of cross-stitch patterns I would love to do. But there isn't enough time. There will never be enough time. Unless you're Mr. Bemis, but even he broke his glasses. Life is way too fucking short.

I'm alone! I'm an insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Marriage or a PS3?

Slate makes an interesting case for the latter. I wonder which Josh would rather have?

The China Syndrome

Get it? It was a movie, and it's a post about the problems with my china pattern! Eh?

Fine. It's not that clever. But it's 12:47 in the morning, and not only have I cleaned up the house today, cut the back lawn and gone to work but I was up at the ass-crack of dawn when the douchebag across the street had his lawn service come cut his grass at SIX MUTHAFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING!!!! I am so egging his house next Halloween. Asshole. We've lived across from him for two years and the dick has never even waved at us. Fume.

Anyway, my point is I can only be so clever.

Especially when I am being consistently dicked around over my china pattern.

I have always wanted china. In the same way I always dreamt of a big formal wedding and a house in the 'burbs (I know i'm bourgeois, I don't care.) I always wanted china. Elegant grown up ladies had china. Special dishes of exquisite patterns taken out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversaries, or dinner parties. They stored them away for these occasions, and when the Eternal Footman had taken these ladies to the big bridge game in the sky, their china was a treasure given to children and grand children.

I'm sure i'm romanticizing it quite a bit, I did grow up watching Donna Reed reruns, but who can help it in today's society? People go through their cell phones like dental floss. I see people leaving the grocery store with disposable plates and cups all the time. They can't all be having a party or a picnic. I have a running joke with Josh that when Jesus comes back he'll find he's standing on a pile of styrofoam. I am reminded of the episode of The Simpsons where Bart takes Santa's Little Helper to obedience school. When Bart tries to convince the teacher to pass him even though he's terrible she says "Perhaps I cling to the old ways, as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered. BUT MY TIME HAS NOT PASSED YET!" Yeah, that's me.

So with that mindset I began to look at china patterns right after we got engaged. I wanted something that was not too old fashioned, but not so modern that it would seem gimmicky in 20 years. I wanted it to work with various decor, but not be too plain.

I spent hours online zooming into pictures, scrutinizing patterns, colors, and even the china itself. I dismissed many as too old fashioned. Some were too busy. There were a few that I liked, but the color was blah. I didn't give anything with just a band a second look. This is my china for goodness sakes! Knock it up a notch! And there were about three patterns I considered long and hard, but they all had the same fatal flaw: raised dots. All of them had these weird raised beads of china around the rim. No. This is not a motif i've seen before so it will undoubtedly go out of style at some point. I learned my lesson from the myriad of avocado green and harvest gold appliances and dishware at the Goodwill.

And then one day on the Bed Bath and Beyond site I found it. Royal Doulton "Litchfield". The colors are complex, but not too dark. The detail in the shading sets off the stylized petals and leaves. The dinner plate and saucer are simple, the border almost neoclassic. But then, the salad plate smacks you upside the head with it's bold art deco flowers. But it's not overdone. And finally the dessert plate and teacup take these elements and join them together like a beer and a coconut. I'm in lurv with this pattern. I <3 it. And yet...

No one carries it. NO ONE FREAKING CARRIES IT!!!! I called Bed Bath and Beyond today because it was on the website, but I couldn't add it to my cart or registry. They said it isn't available. So I looked at every website of every store I could think of in my area and in my family's area that would have a registry. Kohl's, Sears, Belk, JC Penny, Hechts, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Linens n Things (where we have our main registry), Nordstom. None of them carry it.

And I looked at the other patterns. None even came close. This pattern was dreamed up by Evil Brandi From the Parallel Universe Who Happens to Work at Royal Doulton to tease me. At this point my best bet is to register either with Amazon or Royal Doulton themselves. Don't think I won't do it!

But for now it's off to bed to dream of dinner parties with my perfect china and the ladies from the neighborhood. Where i'll have a poofy skirt and pearls and high heels to hang around the house in. And when they're gone i'll mop the floor in the pearls and the heels, and maybe take a few valium. Mmmmm, valium....

And Josh can make special appearance as my shy, nerdy milkman who needs the love of a good woman to

Wait, am I still typing? Crap! I am!

Well, off for a night of warm milk and Bible study... Mmmm, warm milk. Man.

What's in a name?

After toying around with a few alternatives i've made my decision. As of October 21st I will become Mrs. Brandi Hasty. How permanent is this decision? After all, i've been flopping back and forth between china patterns for weeks now and i'm still not sure if i'm going to wear the gloves I bought for my dress. Well, in August I will allegedly be moving from my current office to my new office in a recently remodeled building on campus. Two weeks ago we donned hardhats and met with the architect to see our new digs among the ongoing construction. At the end of the tour he handed my boss a form to fill out for our sinage. So what would be by my new door?

I had pretty much always planned on changing my name. The hyphenation thing was just akward, and I have known so many awesome women like my mom who changed their name. Even my shero, my boss' wife changed her name. So why not me? It just feels right. I get giddy now when I use my debit card, knowing that it will be new and shiny in a few months. When I ordered the monogrammed tote bags for my bridesmaids gifts I ordered one for me too, with my married initials. I picture myself carrying it aboard our cruise ship for our honeymoon, the latest in a long line of Mrs. Hastys.

What it boils down to for me, and for the author of this article, is that if taking my husbands name is a crucial blow to feminism then we really haven't come as far as we think we have. There are so many other things to worry about and fight for. For heavens sake there is a law going through congress right now to give insurance companies the right to not have to cover mamograms or birth control pills! How fucked up is that? And someone's going to get all pissy over what's on my driver's license? Fuck that shit. Feminism was and still is about choice. And i'm choosing a new name. If you don't want to, fine. More power to you. Just don't get all up in my business when i'm in front of you at the DMV with my marriage license and a goofy grin.

(Note: you may need to watch a breif ad to read the article if you don't subscribe to Salon.)

Move it along, nothing to see here!

Things are coming along a very nice pace. I finished the favors without gaining fifty pounds. Our cake server set and fruity pen arrived Monday night. I've finally decided on an invitation. I just ordered a few things for my bridesmaids gifts which are going to be pretty cool in my opinion. And today is the day of our engagement photo. And did I mention I bought my garters? One pretty one to keep, one cheap blue one to toss. I have been a regular wedding planning moe-sheen! I wonder what i'll do to keep occupied over the next five months....