Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Dante's Inferno

Dante's Inferno is the 2007 version of, well, Dante's Inferno, done with puppets.

I'll let that sink in.

Yes, puppets.

It is brutally awesome.

No, really. It is. The story has been slightly updated to have modern examples of the sins that people were cast into Hell for. The puppetry is amazing. The whole thing is so cool I can't even describe it.

The one bad part was that I recorded it from Ovation TV and they show more commercials than you can beleive. Every two or three minutes I was skipping commercials. If you don't have Netflix and can't see this any other way then Ovation is probablly your best bet. But this is totally worth a rental.

Rating: Four stars: I may have to own this.

My own private Hell.

About a month ago I finally watched The Sound Of Music on ABC Family. Yes, finally. It took me 27 years to see this thing. (I don't count my first year of life when I wasn't really sentient enough to get anything that was going on around me. In fact, maybe I shouldn't count anything before I was potty trained. The line between going in my pants and going in the potty seems like a good line to draw for being aware of things.) So actually, we're going to say 26 years to see The Sound of Music. Why? I'm not really sure. I just never got around to seeing it as a kid, and the four hour running time scared me off as an adult. But it was Labor Day weekend so what the hell.

Of course like anyone with a soul I loved it. How can you not love it? The songs! Oh, the songs.

The songs have been on permanent repeat in my brain for the last four or five weeks. Seriously. All the time it's something from The Sound of Music. And boy does it get tired. I'm in my own private Hell, but it's a Julie Andrews, Rodgers and Hammerstein singy sort of Hell so I guess it's not that bad.

Speaking of Hell...

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Elephant

Dear Gus Van Sant,

Are you going anywhere with this son? That was my last mattress and bedtime's in an hour.

Triple points if you get that.

Anyway, even for a movie that wasn't compelling enough for me to see in the theatre or get from Netflix Elephant was disapointing, bad and overwrought. And it took for-freaking-ever to get to it.

And by "to it" I mean the school shooting. If I remember correctly the Elephant title came from the school shooting being the elephant in the room. But don't quote me on that, it's been a while. So I know that the whole thing was to drag out the suspense of waiting for the shooting, but in practice this sucked.

This sucked because Gus Van Sant felt the need to hit on every high school cliche out there. You have your pregnant teen couple, the kid with the alcoholic dad, the bulimic girls, the dorky girl who's uncomfortable with her body, and my goodness haven't we seen this all before? We have. Lots of times.

I know that avoiding cliches in a movie set in a high school is hard, but it's doable. It's even better if you pare down the cast of cliches and do some serious work on the charecters. But that didn't happen here. The whole story was as deep as a puddle.

Now I know that a story about a school shooting can be overdone. Like anyother tragedy it can be overwritten and overthought and try to assign blame to one thing or all things and this results in a bad movie all it's own, but Elephant felt like it wasn't even trying. It reminded me of the episode of The Simpsons where at the end they can't decide on the meaning of what's happened and Homer goes "It's just a bunch of stuff that happened."

Furthermore, the use of Fur Elise in the middle was just painful. PAINFUL! It went on forever and was so heavy handed about how this was all so important and tragic and watch the kid with the alcoholic dad walk down the hall where people will be killed soon, killed I tell you! And we cut to where one of the killers is playing this music and the other is on the computer SHOOTING PEOPLE IN A VIDEO GAME because it's all a game to them and is it the fault of the game? Maybe, maybe not. But how easily they can order guns off the internet!

And while i'm on the topic of heavyhandedness (shut up! it's a word!) the bulimic girls were as bad as the music. All three go into the bathroom (that has no one else in it eventhough this is lunchtime) and vomit up their lunch loudly. Oh the pain! Oh the tragedy of girls in this modern world! What is everything coming to! As if they never figured out how to keep it quiet (and they do, i've read plenty of bulimic's stories and they all learn to hide the noise), or as if one of the three doesn't vomit for some reason or keep lookout as they purge. It just didn't make sense to me.

You know what else didn't make sense to me? The side of beef in the school's freezer. Let me repeat that. The SIDE OF BEEF IN THE FREEZER OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL. Now, if you are not like me and have not seen Modern Marvels: Butchers or your grandfather was not a butcher himself, let me explain why this is stupid. After a cow is slaughtered, skinned, and cut in half that half or "primal" or side of beef is then cut into smaller cuts that are packaged and sold. You can buy a whole side of beef if you go to a farmer or a ranch, Kate Goesslin did it on an episode of Jon and Kate plus Eight. (The beef was organic if you're wondering why someone would do such a thing.) ANYWAY the only time halves of cows are left hanging around are when they are in the storage area of the slaughter house being aged and waiting to be cut up into smaller peices. So unless this school had a butcher on hand and so few kids that the five or six steaks that he could get out of that thing could feed everyone it's just plain stupid.

And then I thought to myself as I turned this movie over in my mind in the shower "What is this place? A slaughter house?" Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Boo. Minus ten points for clumsy symbolism. Minus twenty for naming one of the shooters Eric. Why not just call the other kid Dylan? And finally minus twenty more points for making the shooters gay. What was that all about? Were they picked on because they were gay? Closeted and angry because of that? Experimenting in the shower? What? We need some context here! This whole movie needs some context!

In fact, I almost stopped and deleted the thing without finishing it, but at that point I was an hour in and damn it I was going to finish. So I did, and it wasn't that great.

Rating: Two stars. Not awful, but not really worth the hour and a half it took up on the hard drive. Glad I didn't use a Netflix rental for it.

Dear Walgreens,

I know you've switching my Ritalin with Tic-Tacs. Fess up. I should not feel this shitty a mere two hours after taking my Ritalin. I don't know what sort of sick person would change out someone's sleep disorder meds with breath mints but you hired them. I demand a return of my $10 co-pay, an apology and a $500 gift card to compensate me for feeling so shitty all the time I should have been feeling better had I been getting my meds.

If you do not comply I will be forced to stage a sleep-in protest at your store until my demands are met.

You have 48 hours to respond.

Geekbride

Meh: Pizza Hut Tuscani Pastas

A couple of weeks ago our freind Michael came down and he and Josh indulged in some pasta from Pizza Hut. They were pleased with it but I didn't get any since I had already eaten that night when they weren't hungry.

So last weekend after seeing a few too many commercials for the macaroni and cheese with bacon we decided to order pasta instead of going for Chinese. Because cheese + bacon = sign me up!

I called our Pizza Hut which was out of pasta, then called the one in Winterville, had to drive out there to get it since they don't deliver ten minutes down the road to our house, paid an arm and a leg for a family size mac and cheese, a pepsi and a personal sized alfredo, returned home and settled in for starch and "The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Reifenstal". (More on that later.)

And, well, I was disapointed. The pasta wasn't bad, but it wasn't very good either. The mac and cheese was bland. I had to add salt! And the bacon flavor was not very prominent. The bacon should have been browned more and then mixed into the pasta while cooking, instead of used as a topping.

The alfredo wasn't great either. The sauce was again bland, the chicken was tender, but the herby crumb topping was way too herby and completely overpowered the rest of the ingredients.

So thumbs down. I still have a lot of the mac and cheese in the fridge and I should throw it out, but we paid a lot for it, so I hang on until it starts to grow things.

Speaking of Pizza Hut...

The smell of the place when we picked up the pasta got me craving a Pizza Hut pizza. This is the pizza I grew up with. We had a Pizza Hut right down the road from our house so we ordered there often and sometimes I just want a thick pan pizza for sentimental reasons. So a few days ago we ordered from our Pizza Hut (who was shockingly not out of pizza) and ordered a basic pan pizza with pepperoni and a cheese lovers for Josh. And again, meh.

But really more of ughhhh. Either I had forgotten how greasy this pizza is or they added a quart of grease since I last had this pizza years ago. The cheese was oppressive. The cheese on Josh's pizza looked like The Blob. I only ate two pieces and haven't touched the leftovers. I plan to reheat it tonight since again we paid an assload for this pizza, but i'm not really looking forward to it. After those two average sized slices I can only describe the way I felt as logy. As if I had eaten the whole thing. Ugh.

I guess i'm stuck with the anti-choice nutjobs at Dominos. I hate their politics, but they make a good pizza.

Damn kids!

So this is the magical time between the release of kids from their summer day camps and when their sticky asses go back to school. This means that parents have to make childcare plans and sometimes that means taking the spawn to work with them.

And that's ok in theory. I know childcare sucks in this country and there are situations where you just can't find anyone to look after the shorties.

But.

If you take your children to work, they need to be quiet, they need to stay where you are, they need to entertain themselves for the duration, and they should not disrupt others who are working. Period.

This week i've been subjected to the same two kids running amok in the hallway near my office while i've been attempting to work. Only my fear of a touchy parent has kept me from catching these kids and telling them to go back to their parent and stay there. But my fuse is very short at this point.

So if you must bring the kids along make sure they are prepared to hang out the whole day without being brats. Yes, I said it. Brats. If not, use your sick time, vacation time, take it without pay if you have to. Your reputation at work as decent person who respects their coworkers depends on it.

Things I have learned the hard way.

Don't buy the Teriyaki Chicken Ramen Noodles. Don't.

I know Ramen can get a little boring. Pork, beef, chicken, pork, beef, chicken. But these things are so gross I don't know who thought them up or who approved, or basically how these things made it to the market.

If you've never had teriyaki it's a little sweet. This is good on peices of chicken that are grilled, as a marinade for meat, and of course as a flavor of beef jerky. But turn that into Ramen and you get:

Sweet soup. Sweet soup people. It was one of the grossest things i've ever put in my mouth.

So save your dime. Or use it on a known winner, like Pork, my personal favorite. Or ignore me and try it. You'll be sorry.

Dear publishers of the Animal Crossing Wild World Strategy Guide:

Would it have killed you to mention that the jellyfish I desparately need for my museum comes out in the second half of August?

I guess it would have. Well I hope you amend this problem in the guide for the Wii version. I've spent the last 13 days fishing my ass off trying to catch one little 100 bell jellyfish with nothing. I thought my game was defective! Good thing I finally Googled it and discovered that my game is fine, that it is you and your strategy guide who are defective.

So two more days and i'll catch my jellyfish. Finally. You guys suck.

Sad news

I'm always a little surprised how much I care about the people whose blogs I read. But really when you read someone long enough it's like you know them. And when they write about hard things they're going through then you really feel close since you've shared their pain.

Manda got some bad news today. I've been praying for her. Join in the prayers and good thoughts. She really needs them.

One I wished we had played at the wedding.

As always, my unlimited love to you all.

Can't get enough of your love by Barry White.

Dear Shear Genius Writers: Are you HIGH?

It's ok, you can tell me. I'm cool. Hell, i'm so cool i'm watching your crappy summer time reality show and actually caring about it! So you need to come clean now, because I think this week's episode was equal to finding a pipe and some rock in your pants while doing the laundry.

Last week I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. I thought, hey, they're experimenting a little, testing boundaries, drinking schnaaps in their freind's basement. Like all kids do. And I always said I wouldn't be one of those viewers who hovers and obsesses. After all you see what that got me with Gilmore Girls. So I watched as you wrote up a crazy color challenge that was pretty lame and then as you had everyone embark on the fool's errand of "updating" the hair styles from Charlie's Angels. That was just dumb. You can't update iconic styles like that. Not so much because they are iconic, but more because they are 100% 70s and 70s things updated just look really, really dumb. I know you've been lead astray by all these fashion magazines the last few years telling you that tie-dye is back and peasant shirts are the rage, but they're wrong. They aren't. And you can't update Charlie's Angels. And using Charlie's Angels since Jaclynn Smith is the host of the show is lazy. Come up with another 70's TV show to attempt a hair update on if you must. But again, I let it slide.

But this week. Well this week was just too bad for me to overlook. What the hell were you thinking with that stupid Food Instead of Styling Products challenge? Were you trying to be "green"? Well you blew that out of the water quick! Did you stop to think how much water and regular non-green shampoo it's going to take these people to get that crap out of their hair? Of course not! And did you think that by connecting the "green" styles to some futuristic, crazy shit that maybe you were painting a bad picture of people who DO want green products? No! And I know some of those items are good for hair. We've all heard about people using mayonaise or avacados to moisturize their hair, but some of that shit was fucked up! Squid? Anchovies? Corn syrup? Caramel? If your intention was to create styles that made the models smell like a sandwich and attract horse flies mission accomplished!

And after those horrendous "styles" you bring out dogs and their owners for some Make them Look Alike crap! And rather than focusing on the humans, who the contestants are trained to work with, you have them give both the owner and the dog a cut and style. It was honestly the dumbest challenge i've seen yet.

And I hope this is as low as it goes. I can't take much more stupidity. I stumbled on this show at the beach when there was nothing on and I didn't have my DVR or DVDs to watch. Keep this up and i'll not watch next season on purpose.

So for next week I hope you put the pipe down and wrote some challenges that focus on HAIR! If not, then I may have to turn you over to the Intervention writers and they'll send you off to rehab faster than you can say Kim Vo!

So very true.

What's the deal guys?

Scenes from our bedroom.

Early Tuesday morning. About 4:30.

I wake up for no apparent reason. In the blue glow of the buttons on his CPAP machine I can see he's wearing his mask. Good. The mask is the big hurdle to get over. For me the big hurdle has been the sound of the CPAP once it ramps up to 11 (insert Spinal Tap joke here). The sound of it blowing air into him and him exhaling that air out gets pretty loud. So I bought some ear plugs.

Now to see if Josh was actually using the CPAP and not just sleeping with the mask, I removed an ear plug. Sure enough the machine (who I named Pappy) was delivering his Continuous Positive Airway Pressure to my beloved, keeping him from waking up 200 times a night and thus having problems with depression, memory, attention span, blood pressure and increased risk for stroke. Awesome. Mission acomplished. So I squished my earplug back down and put it back in my ear. I remained propped up on my elbow as it slowly expanded. Just as it did Josh woke up and this coversation took place:

Him through the mask: "~~~~~~~~~~~~"

Me with earplugs in: "What?"

Him: "~~~~~~~~~ awake?"

Me taking a stab at what he said: "I just woke up. I'm waiting for my earplug to re-expand. I took it out to see if you were using the machine."

Him: "~~~~~~~~using it."

Me: "Well that's good. And the earplugs work so we won't have to get separate bedrooms."

Him happy enough to be heard through the mask and the earplugs: "Yea! Our marriage is healthy!"

Trust me, it was hilarious at the time. If you've never worn earplugs while your partner tries to talk to you through a mask pumping air into them I recommend it.

Image of "Dragon's Quilt" by Dragon Dreams

Things I've learned the hard way.

Don't buy cheap packing tape. I know $4 a roll for the Duck brand seems like a lot. But trust me, the cheap stuff will fill your life with misery and woe. It will twist, stick to itself, not stick to the box and peel up when you move the thing. It will get clogged in your tape gun and rip so that half of it is coming out while the other half is sticking. Cheap packing tape is one of those small things in life that either make it run smoothly or frustrate the hell out of you. Spend the extra money on the good stuff. You will thank me.

Layla. The way God intended it to be. The end.

Once while watching a Pantera video Beavis and Butthead hypothesized that if Pantera was to play on Unplugged they wouldn't unplug the pyros. The reason being that the pyros were what got Pantera where they were.

I feel the same way about Layla. If I had been Eric Clapton on Unplugged I would not have unplugged Layla. It is musical perfection. Of course I can't really blame Eric Clapton, I'm sure he didn't have much of a choice, it is The Eric Clapton Song. And I guess the unplugged version is ok. Josh gets annoyed when I grumble about the unplugged version so that's been put in the Not Arguing About It Anymore file along with how the channel guide for the satallite should be set up. (With the small channels at the bottom so you can press the up button and the channels get larger. Duh. Josh disagrees.) But this is my blog and Josh doesn't read it. So here is Layla, with all the kilowatt sucking electric guitar in place. The way it was, the way it is, the way it always shall be.

One more before I go home.

Ok, my Mom will disown me if I let the discussion of love songs go by without mention of Thunder Road by Bruce Springsteen. It's my parent's song and certainly one of the best out there. This is the live version. Enjoy.

Since I'm feeling squishy...

I did not grow up listening to The Cure. My Mom hated The Cure. She used to say they needed a cure. That came with Prozac in 1991.

But before that little green pill changed society The Cure changed music by bringing Goth out into the light. But not for long, since the Goth kids only came out at night and were very pale and prone to sunburn.

I saw Robert Smith on some TV show a few years ago talking about how the love songs he wrote were so different from most love songs that tend to focus on beauty and sex. That always annoyed me about a lot of love songs. But not "Lovesong" by The Cure. The words are simple and sincere, the music gives you that fluttery feeling you get from being with your special person. So even though it took me many years I found my way to The Cure and one of the most beautiful love songs ever.

Wall-E - I can has love?

Wall-E is in fact the sweetest movie i've ever seen. This animated robot showed more personality than 98% of people i've met in real life, and better acting than 99% of actors that are popular now. I cried through out the whole movie because I was so touched at Wall-E's longing for a connection, for another like himself, for someone to hold hands with.

I guess I just empathized with Wall-E. Before Josh I had my life. I had school, work, my kitty Grizzabella. But like Wall-E I wanted something more. Someone to hold hands with. Of course I did find that, but that longing feeling is hard to forget.

So go see Wall-E. It's a wonderful, wonderful movie. But if you've ever been lonely, or sad, or felt like something was missing, get extra napkins with your popcorn. You will need them.

It's all been done. For real.

So today Carolyn Hax smacks down a pretty self centered groom who wants to inconvienence his whole family and his bride's whole family for a "unique" wedding.

Hax brings up the most pressing issues of money and time, two things no one ever seems to have enough of, and basically tells him to knit a ladder and get over himself. Well, not exactly. But hopefully he read her response and was at least a little ashamed of himself.

But this post isn't about that. It's about how rediculous and unattainable a unique wedding is.

This is an odious trend that's emerged over the last few years that seems to coincide with everyone on earth thinking that the sun shines out of their asses. (And yes I am aware that blogging is part of this trend as well. The difference is that i'm not forcing anyone to read my blog where weddings are usually must attend events for various reasons.)

Anyway, when I was planning the wedding I went over the various magazines Elegant Bride, Modern Bride, Obsessive Bride. And every other article was about how to really make this YOUR DAY and make sure that everyone in attendance remembered how cool YOUR DAY was and how to impress upon your guests how very unique you and your husband are. It got annoying fast. Thankfully I pretty much new what I wanted and didn't need the magazines for ideas, or help, or anything much beyond pretty pictures.

And some of the ideas were just overkill. Like having a mixed drink created for your wedding. First of all, who the hell would you go to for this? Second, hasn't every palatable combination been created by now? Third, how lame for your guests. What is a Ken and Tammy anyway? Oh, red wine, vodka and hot sauce. Sounds disgusting. Finally, how much would this cost? Probably a lot more than is really worth it. If you're going to have mixed drinks (and pay for them, no cash bars allowed) then just offer the basics that everyone knows and likes. It's not unique, but it's awesome for your guests and that matters a hell of a lot more.

Writing your own vows was a popular suggestion that i've bitched about here before. I've read about guests being subjected to Powerpoint presentations about the minutae of the couple's courtship as if we cared. And of course the destination wedding which screams "We're so cool you have to buy a plane ticket to see us get married!".

Now none of this is to say that your wedding has to be like everyone elses. If you really want to get married in the Bahamas then do it. But don't act like you're planning a vacation for everyone else you know and they should be chomping at the bit to attend your wedding. Because unless you're going to pay everyone's airfare, hotel and food expenses you have to understand that attendance would be a big deal for most people.

So how else can you make your wedding special? Well, how about making choices that matter to you? Hate white? Would you love to get married in this gorgeous pale blue evening gown you found online? Then do it. Hate roses? Love begonias? Carry them instead. Can't find a cake topper you like, but think Wall-E was the sweetest movie ever? Have Wall-E and Eve on the cake. There are thousand ways to make your wedding special to you without being rediculous about it.

Our wedding was really traditional. But we switched it up a little bit. We took communion instead of doing a unity candle. My Mom chose "This is a Day of New Beginnings" as the song for the ceremony. When the violinist flaked, my Mom sang it making it even more special. Instead of using the reception venue's punch I gave them the receipe that my family always uses. I danced with my Dad to "Brandi (you're a fine girl)" the song I was named for. Josh and I danced to Tori Amos' "Sleeps With Butterflies". To a lot of people our wedding would have looked cookie cutter. To us it was special because of these little decisions.

Which brings me to my final point. Don't be different for the sake of being different. If you like something then go for it. Who cares if everyone has a strapless dress and a tiara right now? If you feel beautiful in it, then wear it. If you always dreamed of dancing with your dad to "What a wonderful world" then do it. Don't try to come up with something different just to be unique. You'll only suceed in wearing yourself out, confusing your guests and possibly embarassing yourself. No one will care in ten years if your cake looked like everyone elses as long as it tasted good. So make your decisions based on what you like and what your guests will like. That's all that matters in the end, not being unique. Because unless you're getting married on the moon, I promise you it's been done before.

Manners 101: Things not to ask.

On the off chance that someone stumbles upon this blog and likes it, I think that I should do the world a favor and remind everyone of what is and isn't appropriate in our society. And by that I mean the US at this time. Your culture may vary, but by and large this is how we do and don't act.

Before I start though, I would like to point out that etiquette and manners are not meant to hold anyone back, to stifle their dreams or to be used as a club to bash people with. Etiquette and manners are there so that we may all move through this life comfortable and that those around us may do the same. As a simple rule of thumb if you think that doing or saying something would make the person you are directing your action to uncomfortable don't do it.

So we begin. Things not to ask.

1. Are you pregnant? When are you going to get pregnant? Don't you want kids? You aren't going to have a kid are you? Ever think you weren't meant to have kids? How can you be so selfish and not adopt? How could you choose a C-section and deny yourself the experience of childbirth? Why didn't you have the baby without pain meds? How could you have the baby at home? Why did you choose that name?

2. Are you still with that loser/at that crappy job/in debt/wasting your time on that?

3. Why don't you eat meat? What can you eat? How can you eat a helpless animal? How can you eat that, it's so gross/fattening/bad for you?

4. Who are you voting for? Why? How could you vote for them? Don't you know that they're responsible for every horrible thing that's happened this decade?

5. When are you getting married? Why aren't you getting married? Why aren't you changing your name? Why don't you elope? Don't you want a big wedding? How can you waste money on an engagement ring? How can you waste money on a wedding? Don't you know the suffering diamonds cause? How much was your ring? How big is the stone? Why didn't you get a diamond? Why did you split up? Didn't you value your marriage? How can you do that to the kids?

6. Why do you take that medicine? How could you buy into that corporate crap? You know this is all in your head right? Why don't you get over it already?

7. How do you afford that? How much do you make? How much did that cost?

8. When are you going to start going to church again? Why do you go to that kind of church? How can you buy into the childish notion of God? Don't you know that what you're doing is a sin?

9. Don't you know that (insert everyday thing here) is bad for the baby? Is that safe for the baby? Shouldn't you be staying home with the baby? How can you just leave your job? Why aren't you breastfeeding? When are you going to wean him? Don't you want your body back? How can you do that in public? How can you let strangers raise your child?

10. When are you going to loose some weight? When are you going to quit smoking? When are you going to go back to school? When are you going to cut your hair?

11. Have you tried exercising? Have you changed your diet? Have you tried this completely wacko cure I read about on the internet? Don't you know that (insert everyday substance here) gives you cancer/lupus/asthama/etc?

I think this covers most things. The problem with all of these questions is that none of them are your business. These things are between the person involved, their signifcant other and their doctor if that. You have no right to know, you have no right to ask.

Of course if you routinely ask these questions with the person in question then you're probably ok. For example I talk to my mom a lot about my sleep disorder, so if she hears of a new medication she'll ask me about it. But if my third cousin spends Thanksgiving telling me that my Ideopathic Hypersomnia is all in my head and all I need to do is eat more vegtables and excercise then that is way over the line. Because he's not a doctor. And he's not my doctor. And to assume that my doctor is a moron and that i'm dumb enough to believe his advice about stimulants and nuerotransmitters over his precious opinion is just plain rude.

Never assume that someone hasn't considered an option. Never assume that they are ignorant of alternatives to what they are doing. Never assume that they are not under the best care they can be. Never assume that someone has made a decision without thinking about it. And never, ever assume that you know better than them. Because it's their life, not yours. This is none of your business. And if your mom or grandma would tell you that then you need to shut it and ask a simple "So how have you been?".

One where I do all the work for you. You're welcome.

Ok, do you all remember the Sealab 2021 epsiode where Marco returns and kills Sharko and at the end he and Debbie sing?

Well considering that the only person who reads my blog is my Mom, I know that the answer is no.

Anyway, the song at the end of the episode has been stuck in my head and I had to read the Sealab forum at TWoP to figure out the song since it's in Portuguese. And I found it.

It's called Aquos de Marco or The Waters of March and is a famous Bossa Nova piece and was voted to be the best Brazilian song ever.

So here's the clip from Sealab, here's the Wikipedia page on the song, and here's the lyrics in both Portuguese and English.

This has been your Music Appreciation lesson for today. Quiz on Friday. And I triple dog dare you to not be singing this song for the rest of the day. (As best you can considering you probably don't speak Portuguese.)

Get out of my head!

This weekend Josh and I went to see Batman: The Dark Knight. If you haven't heard of it, it's a great movie. See if it's playing near you and try and catch it. Anyway, prior to the movie was a trailer for the movie of the Watchmen which featured the Smashing Pumpkins song "The Beginning is the End is the Beginning" which was also on the Batman Forever soundtrack.

Anyway, Josh was always a big SP fan but this was one song he had never ripped from the album, so he promptly bought it from iTunes and has been listening to it non stop for the last two days, and since he has some killer speakers in his den, I've also been listening to it non stop for the last two days. It's a good song, and like the faster but similar song "The End is the Beginning is the End" which was also on the Batman Forever soundtrack.

So here. Share in my, not pain really, but it does get tiring with the same song stuck in your head. And here's the other song too.

As an aside, I am completely intrigued by the Watchmen trailer. Looks good. I like a nice, dark ass story. I was soooo close to being a goth kid it's scary.

It's me, in cat form.

Another day, another C-Section defense...

I'm always amazed at how empty and boring people's lives are.

I work, I have a husband, five cats, a home to maintain, dolls to dress, chores to do, internet surfing to take care of, about a thousand needle work projects, and a LOT of stuff on my tifaux to watch. Lots to do with my life, very little time to troll the internet to criticize people for how they have their babies.

But I guess i'm weird becuase honestly, I could really give a rats ass about how people give birth. Maybe, like I said, I just have other things to do. Or maybe it's because I entered the world via emergency C-section and my sister was born naturally (Yeah, I know all birth is natural, but that's how my mom always put it and I just can't use the V word when referring to my mother) that I don't see one way as fundamentally better than the other.

But i'm in the minority. As usual.

A few days ago Julie at A Little Pregnant had up a post about all the flack she had gotten about how she would probably end up with a scheduled C-section and telling these idiots to fuck off, and today Amalah posted about feeling defensive about scheduling a C-section for her second child.

And I just don't get it.

Yes, I know that mostly our bodies were designed to give birth, and that a lot of people find the medicalization of childbirth to be disturbing. Fair enough. I also think it's great that we are now able to choose to give birth with no pain medication if that's what we want. I understand that for some people giving birth at home is great experience. I know that some reasons for the higher rate of C-sections are crappy, like the doctor not wanting to get sued if anything goes wrong so we do surgery rather than accepting a small risk. Or the hospital wanting a bigger insurance payout for the more expensive C-section. I understand why for a lot of people a C-section is something they want to avoid. (Hell, i'd like to avoid it too. I'd like to avoid anything that involves cutting through my abdominal wall.)

What I don't understand is why we have to give each other so much flack for anything but a vaginal birth. Why we can't say 'Well, her circumstances were different from mine so I won't judge' or 'I'm sure she made an informed decision' or even more rare today 'I'll just mind my own damn business and not inquire about how this baby got here much less pass judgement on someone I don't know'.

A lot of things can go wrong with birth. My mom was fanny first, Josh had to be pulled out with forcepts, my heart wasn't beating right so they yanked me on out. People aren't all built to give birth. Sometimes the hips just aren't big enough. Sometimes babies are too big. Sometimes babies don't turn head down like they're supposed to. And who can argue with a chance of uterine rupture while attempting a vaginal birth after a c-section? That's a hell of a complication. To criticize someone over her C-section is to assume that she didn't talk to her doctor about the circumstances surrounding this pregnancy and birth and didn't make an informed decision. That's a pretty assy assumption. Especially when, as in Julie's case, terms like "drink the kool-aid" get thrown around. What an insulting thing to say.

So if you want to give birth in your living room surrounded by family fine. But when someone blogs about their C-section and you get the urge to criticize, leave the computer, go to Michaels and find your self a hobby. Maybe start by learning how to stitch a sampler that says "Mind your own business".

(Picture from Subversive Cross Stitch)

I'm in yur wedding dress...

Since this is still Geek BRIDE and I do still talk a lot about wedding things I thought I would post this.

Girl Crush: Dana Sculley/Gillian Anderson

Oh, Scully, you are so awesome.

Rebecca Traister has a great article up today about the complete and total awesomeness of Agent Dana Sculley.

Allow me to geek out a bit here.

I still love The X-files. I still think Mulder is so fucking hot he's runner up only to Johnny Depp. I refuse to watch any episode with Agent Doggett. I get pissed when people call Dana "Miss" Sculley. That's either Agent or Doctor to you jerkass!

But most of all I love Sculley and Gillian Anderson.

Agent Sculley is the definition of awesome. She is what girls need to be seeing on TV these days. She was fucking brilliant, funny, hardworking, not a slut, and she wouldn't hesitate to pull her gun on your ass. And with all that she had her soft side that she wasn't ashamed of. Sculley was so real.

Gillian Anderson is still tied with Tori Amos as The Most Beautiful Woman Around. She's not Hollywood hot and that makes her even more special. She hasn't done a lot of stupid paycheck pictures, she hasn't flashed her vag everywhere, she doesn't give stupid interveiws. She's lived her life out of the spotlight and stayed sane because of it. I would love to have coffee with her sometime.

Rock on Gillian. And rock on Sculley. I know you will. Either in real life or on my DVDs, rock on. We need you now more than ever.

NO! NO! NO! And, NO!

Today I have read two different advice columns where the writer said they felt like a third wheel.

NO! NO! NO!

The phrase is FIFTH wheel. FIFTH! A third wheel can be useful, a fifth wheel cannot! I know that there are things out there with five wheels, but mostly they could get by on four. That is what the phrase means! So you feel like a FIFTH wheel!

And while we're here, irregardless is NOT a word! And we all need to start slapping people who use it.

Please help me stop the idiocy!

Songs I love: Hall and Oates "Rich Girl"

I haven't gone into detail since i've been a right bastard about posting, but I have a sleep disorder. More info later, but basically I'm relying on Ritalin to make it through my days. However, to avoid some unpleasant side effects my dose was started low and is very graually being upped. So my days here at work are still brutal. But music helps. So here's a song I listen to frequently when I'm too fucking tired to make it another five minutes, much less another three hours.

Also this is a little shout out to my mom, who always loved Hall and Oates.

Best line:

"High and dry out of the rain, it's so easy to hurt others when you can't pain".

Fun fact I heard this song on the radio about a thousand times and loved it before I realized that it was Hall and Oates. Go figure.

So enjoy: Hall and Oates "Rich Girl"

Ps. I know it's Youtube and it doesn't have a video. Just enjoy the song without the moving pictures.

Monica and Dawn

So I had gotten off the Bridezillas train at least a season ago and i'm not sure why. Sure, since the first season it had gone waaaaaaay down in quality and had gone from Bridezillas ( a woman who is normal going nuts from the planning of her wedding) to Crazy Bitches Get Married (TM someone on the TWoP boards who was soooo right) but I think it was something else.

It's odd, but since I got married i've avoided shows having much of anything to do with weddings. Watching these shows just brings up the nostalgia for my wedding and even kinda pokes at a few things that went wrong and still sorta bug me. Like my Aunt Rita and her kids not being there or that the violinist forgot our wedding and didn't show up, or that my freind Stephanie who was supposed to be a bridesmaid couldn't make it. Nothing big, and certainly nothing that "ruined" the day or neccesitated a big crying freak out, but still make me sorta sad.

But, it's the middle of summer and there is NOTHING on TV so Bridezillas it is.

So Monica. Allegedly she's 24. I'm not buying it. If an updo makes you look 44 then you're at least 34. Girl needs to stop tanning and get some skin care stat or she's going to look like an unstuffed muppet in a few years. I like her gown, I thinks its one from Alfred Angelo that has your choice of like 50 colors on it and it's nice to see someone on this show who actually has the figure for a strapless dress. (Of course a lot of other girls on this show could have looked better in their gowns had they invested in proper foundation garments and some alterations. Strapless can work for big girls with a little extra effort. Otherwise you look like a hot mess. Katrina i'm looking in your direction...)

Anyway, Monica wasn't so bad. I question her judgement at getting married to a guy she's only known for five weeks (required disclaimer here about my parents getting married after four weeks and being together for 30 years) but at least she seems to like the guy. I think the men's tuxes were tacky and a little Guys and Dolls-ish and her bridesmaid's dresses looked more like prom dresses, but whatever. Personally I don't care for red as a wedding color. Red flowers don't look good in front of a white dress and red isn't a color that's easy to find complimentary colors for. But these are the trends. Anyway, nice wedding and the next time Monica is on TV (and you know there will be a next time) let's hope she doesn't share her bikini wax with us.

Dawn. Oh goodness. What to say except that she's a complete hosebeast. She berates her fiance for being fat when she's fatter than him, berates him for his table manners ignoring that she's being 50 times ruder by doing that, and doesn't even seem to like him all that much. Not that his manners weren't awful. They were. The man is indeed a slob. But there are nicer ways to let him know that than hiring an etiquette coach to observe then blindside the man in public.

Now is the time that I put on my psychologist costume (thick glasses, thick mustache and beard, and a pipe) and analyze these two. They've been together since high school which is not a great idea. They've broken up a few times and their problems are big enough for their families to be concerned about the overall wisdom of this relationship not to mention marriage. To me it seems that they're both scared of life without the other since they've been together so long with no real break to figure themselves out separately. They probably both think deep down that they couldn't get anyone else, and their families disapproval only strengthens their desire to stay together to prove them wrong. This is a trainwreck all around. (Removes psychologist costume.)

Another thing that struck me was her awful treatment of her bridesmaids. (BTW, it's great to see that Katie Holmes has escaped, but why is she hanging out with Dawn? I guess it's not unusual for someone to leave a cult and then get sucked back into a bad situation.) I guess i'm one of the few people who had the bridesmaids I did because they were my freinds and I liked them. I paid for two of their dresses. I found one a dress by another designer because nothing from David's Bridal had sleeves and she was all about some sleeves. I didn't berate them (how many times am I going to have to write that word today?) I didn't yell, or get upset or kick them out of the wedding. I didn't have crazy expectations of them. I didn't make them line up for inspection, force them to get updos and fake nails, or have them mke my favors, tie ribbons on our bubbles or any of that. I guess i'm just not a crazy bitch.

Anyway, that's what I thought. I await next week's episode wondering why I got back into this show.

Abortions for some, Miniature American flags for others!

Today is primary day in NC. I'm dragging my possibly narcoleptic ass to the polls today after work and I hope all of you here in the Old North State and Indiana will do the same.

Remember, the politics of failure have failed. We need to move forward, not backward. Upwards not downwards. And always twirling, twirling, twirling towards freedom!

The Rainbow Connection

For all of you who love Kermit as much as I do!

I think it's gonna be a long, long time...

Since my last post:

I won Best Costume at Randall's yearly Halloween Party
I made an awesome cake for that party
I finally got my wedding pictures back
Josh and I celebrated our first anniversary by finally watching our wedding video
Thyroid was ruled out as a cause of my crippling fatigue
Julie over at A little pregnant got pregnant! Sadly, she also lost her dad and her grandfather.
Julia from Here be Hippogriphs had twins!
Josh and I got though our second Christmas without his mom without wanting to hang ourselves with Christmas lights.
I went to 30 hours at work and finally got some fucking health insurance. 'Bout time!
Duckman on DVD was announced, again, 'Bout time!
I finished a lot of cross stitching.
Josh and I welcomed the new year with a caper that could have gone much, much better.
We began a shameful addiction to Mama's Family reruns.

I hope to expound on these things soon so keep checking back. Also stay tuned for opinionated rants that I really need to get off my chest.

Must write in blog...

Why? Because I think of so much rediculous crap. Everyone else has a stream of consciousness going on the intertubes, so why not me?
Like, why can I not sleep? I had two glasses of tea this evening, and some cookies. Is that all it takes to keep me awake? Or is it all the crap in my head I need to flush out? I don't know. But it's 4:05 and i'm awake. And i'm surrounded by cats. It's like on the Simpsons when Homer stops going to church and he has all his animal friends, and they're with him in the shower and he's like "can i have five minutes guys?". That's my life. Only with cats. I have five cats, four of which are aware enough of my every move to greet me first thing in the morning when i'm trying to pee. I'm glad they love me, but geez, let me have a few minutes to clear my head on the toilet in peace.
Why else could I be awake? Let's see. My job drives me nuts, my kitchen is a mess, i'm not sure which cross stitch project to pursue next, I have osteoarthritis at 26, my husband's friend is getting married this weekend and we haven't gotten him a gift yet, I'm not sure what i'm going to wear, I don't like the girl he's marrying, no one does, I was dreaming about doll clothes, my student loan deferment has run out and I spent eight freaking minutes on hold today trying to straighten that crap out before giving up, my car is filthy, and my best freind's husband is in the booby hatch after trying to kill himself twice last weekend. Plus I flossed tonight and now my gums are all swollen and hurty. I guess that could keep me awake. But this is mostly the same crap that's been on my mind for a few weeks.
So it's probably the cookies and tea. Which is weird since i've never been really sensitive to caffiene, and tea doesn't have a lot of it, and I consume an awful lot of refined sugar with no problems before. But I wasn't really tired going to bed, so I guess that's it really. I'm not that tired for some reason. I will be in the morning.

Get in the wagon.

It's been a rough few months.

Last night one of our kitties was breathing very hard. Struggling really. We rushed her to the emergency vet. She had FIP which was causing fluid to leak into her chest making it hard for her to breathe. All we could do was to put her to sleep. The vet brought in a small label with a black bar across the top. It read "Consent to Euthanize". I picked up the pen and started back crying. I slid it across the table to Josh. He signed it for me.

He kept asking me if I was ok when we got home. I told him I was ok, how was he. Chloe was his kitty too. He said he was sad, but was more worried about me. That in role-playing terms I had a +11 empathy so I'm really vunerable.

This afternoon as I caught up on the sleep I missed last night he took the car for an oil change and then went by the vet to pick up the ashes of Scooter, my hedgehog, who died two weeks ago. I'm sure when Chloe returns to us he'll pick her up too.

The poem Footprints is all about how God carries us when we need him too. Someone should write a poem called Wagon Tracks. Sometimes you both walk with the wagon behind you, other times one of you pulls the other in the wagon. I'm sad to be in the wagon right now, but i'm glad that i'm being pulled.

What the hell is this?

What's this funny looking thing? Here under the job, the house, the massive amounts of cross-stitching projects, the 15 episodes of Law and Order on the Tifaux, and the possible thyroid condition?

Oh yeah, this is that blog thing. I forgot all about it. Well, I guess I could try and keep up with it. Ok, I'm going to set this over here and hope it doesn't get lost again. But i'm not making any promises.

Xmas and the brink of insanity

We got through Xmas fine. We didn't kill ourselves or each other, and that second one was a doozy. I'm being succinct because there is no good way to spend the first holiday without someone you love, and all you can hope for is to not end up plastered and sobbing while watching The Snowman. (Matter of fact, avoid The Snowman all together. It's depressing no matter what.) And with the one year anniversary coming up i'm trying hard to occupy myself so I don't end up as mentally scrambled as I was this time last year. But again, there is no good way to do that. Remembering is depressing. Acknowledging the fact of the day twists the knife. Swallowing your feelings gives you another pain in the pit of your stomach.

But I have been occupied for the past couple of months with moving into our new offices. Of course this isn't the good kind of occupied. It's the fretting over what didn't get done and dreading the first day back with an office full of boxes kind of occupied. But I suppose being annoyed with moving services, dumbfounded at our lack of privacy in the new place and near homicidal at the fucktards who keep putting their boxes on top of mine to be thrown away, eventhough I cut up or flatten my boxes to make the housekeeper's job easier and they don't which makes me look like the asshole is better than being profoundly bereaved.

Of course it doesn't feel that way. Sometime ago, two or three months I guess, I started napping in the afternoon. Not a 20 minute power nap or a one hour refresher. A three or four hour REM sleep affair. I've also been really, really cranky lately. I can't decide if i'm just stressed from work and it will pass or if my meds need adjusting because the depression is back. But where do you go from 60 mg of Cymbalta? And what about my recurring migraines? Related? Not? Who knows.

But I have a three day weekend ahead, a new project and hopefully some rest and peace.

Good Grief More Random Acts of Geekiness!

The other night I was blissfully asleep under my semi-new electric blanket when I had a dream about a certain geeky food icon tempting me to break my month old marriage vows.

No, not Christopher Kimball. Ew. Alton Brown. Mmmmm....

So in my dream I was at one of the dining halls here on campus and AB had to improve the cuisine. If I assisted him then I could skip class and we would make some bacon. Of course the dining hall looked less like a dining hall and more like the wine section at Lowes Foods, all soft light and honey wood.

Long story short I of course tried to help him as much as I could. I did get sidetracked when I decided it would be faster to take a campus bus back to where he was rather than run, which it was not. And in the tradition of dreams I had other things going on, like a family at McDonalds, and my sister and our videographer from the wedding and me in this church. And the whole place was this terrible blue and a bride wanted to paint it before the wedding, and I was working on a cross stitch project... It makes no sense.

However I did make it back to AB who had to make do with a chicken rather than a duck for his recipe. And he was pleased with my help. However, I woke up before my dream got to the fun part.

I told Josh about this when I woke up. He just gave me a wierd look, suggested that I mention my fucked up dreams to my therapist and walked out. You know the usual response.

Oh AB. We'll always have the Wright Place...

What a mess, what a mess, what a mess.

About an hour ago I was sitting here at the computer much like I am now, only I was a mess. A complete and total wouldn't think I was a married adult mess.

From head to toe:

My hair was nasty, my bangs in my eyes and in need of another coloring.

My face was in need of a clay mask. Still is. Can't hit them all.

I was pretty stinky.

I hadn't shaved or moisturized in a while. My legs were like an enchanted forest of hair on a scaly, dry patch of soil.

My feet were very dry and scaly and looked like they needed power sanding.

Thankfully Josh was equally stinky and dirty so he didn't notice. But I did feel like a bit of a failure. So I have colored my hair, used my pore refining face wash, shaved, moisturized, deodorized and pumiced. I am in much better shape. Except...

Judging from what my hair looked like while slathered in ColorSilk I may have to start liking Marilyn Manson and break out my old bottle of black nail polish. This goo was less Medium Ash Brown and more Guest on Goth Talk. So I await the results once my hair dries.

Thank you Jesus!!!

I just found the addresses! They were in an overnight bag that I took to Josh's dad's house two weeks ago. I am so relieved. Let this be a lesson to all of you: unpack your stuff promptly and keep your house clean!

Really, really going to Hell.

Well, my addresses were not at work. I'm hoping that if I clean the house really well i'll find them. Say a prayer for me.

Nitpicking...

Ok, I had hoped I wouldn't have to do this. That maybe in the past couple of days my annoyance would have faded. But it hasn't. So here goes.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you are not up to date on the last season of House do not read further!!!

So Tuesday night after a vicoden withdrawing House tells Cuddy that she would suck as a mom so it's a good thing she isn't pregnant, Cuddy is crying in her office. She then explains to Wilson her efforts to get pregnant. She says that she's had three implants... No. Doctors do not implant embryos or zygotes or whatever stage they are in. They are transferred. If they could implant these things then that would save a lot of problems. But they transfer them and hope for the best.

Now if I were watching a different show this would have elicted an eyeroll and little more. But this is House. One of the better, smarter shows on TV. And since the entire concept of the show is that people have weird diseases i'm sure they have medical people on staff for their weekly plots. Now all I know about IVF comes from reading infertility blogs, but even I know the basics. And I find it hard to believe that whatever medical expert works on the show couldn't be spared to write for the SEASON LONG STORY ARC! But even if he couldn't, how hard is it for an intern to google "IVF terminology"?

It bugs. I expect better from House. But now that that's outta my system...

I'm so going to Hell...

Why? Well, i've just now started my thank you notes from the wedding. I know, i'm gonna burn in some facsimile of Robot Hell. It's not that i'm ungreatful, i'm just really really tired and the last month has flown by. Shit, i'm still trying to find places to put things and it's time for me to drag the Christmas decorations out of the attic.

So anyway, after dinner tonight I decided that I would write notes until 8:00 then Josh and I would settle down to watch my new Netflix delivery and I would cross stitch contendedly knowing that several notes were in the mail box waiting to be picked up.

Now I had intended on starting these on Tuesday at work, sometimes things get really slow, but things got really busy. And while I remembered to stick the envelope with my blank notes and my list back in my bag, I forgot my index card file of addresses. So I have six notes on the coffee table, all stamped, four awaiting addresses. I suppose i'll just send them out tomorrow from work, but darn I wanted to put them in the mailbox tonight and put up that little red flag. So if you're reading this and you sent us a gift, the note is coming. I'm late, but i'm not an asshole.

One month.

Oh, by the way, we've been married for a whole month today. Woo Hoo! In the past month I've learned a few things.

1. Cruises are awesome. As soon as I perfect my Under the Stateroom Bed camoflauge i'm outta here.
2. If you ever put regular dish soap in your diswasher you can add a capful of liquid fabric softener to the machine and let it run to break up the bubbles. Not that I did anything like that...
3. Registy gifts are fun, until you have to find room for them.
4. A long soak in warm water and OxiClean will get out the stench from a t-shirt left in the shower of your stateroom for a week.
5. Ring around the collar is real. Guys, wash the back of your filthy necks! EEEEWWWW!

You oughta be in pictures!

I get my proofs back today. I'm glad to have them to look over while the whole crew is down for turkey day. I just hope that they are better than some of my pictures from the honeymoon. For instance the photos from the Horseback Ride and Swim where my blindingly white cellulite ridden thighs are contrasted against the dark brown horse. Why are those in the album again?

Geek Bride and the incredibly messy house on Excaliber Drive.

Where the hell have I been? In the kitchen and the living room trying to sort out my life.

There's the crap I didn't get to cleaning before the wedding that was stacked and shoved and hidden. There's the Honeymoon detrius, dirty clothes, clean clothes, keepsakes, pictures, and ziploc bags of personal items. There's the stuff from the wedding, the leftover bubbles, favors, programs, and of course the gifts. And there is always the stuff that doesn't care if you're married or not: dirty clothes you wore to work, dirty towels, groceries, junk mail, halloween decorations, wal mart bags, and the never ending tide of dirty dishes. So forgive me if i'm not dying to fill you all in on the wedding and honeymoon just yet. Right now i'm just dying to wake up one morning to find the Newlywed Faerie has come and sorted things into organized, clean piles. Or made it all disappear into the front yard where Pak-R can sort it out come Friday.

So how was it?

It was great. It was amazing. It was so much fun. It was over so fast.

It was worth every penny, every sleepless night, every napless afternoon.

It was the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread having been invented the previous winter). It was the cat's meow. It kicked ass. It took names. It was so much fun.

It was perfect and imperfect. It was strange but totally natural. It was murder on my feet.

It was great. It was amazing. It was so. Much. Fun.

It was over so, so fast.

I believe I was promised a rose garden...

As anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows it isn't always Skittles and beer. In fact it's more like pickled eggs and moonshine. Here's a list of the things that have gone wrong, or are crappy or are giving me a migraine as we speak.

1. We have about 15 people who don't know what "The favor of a reply is requested on or before October 7, 2006." and a self-addressed stamped envelope mean. If you can't make it fine. I will understand, for the most part. But let me know. Tonight I have to sit down and call these people and see if they will decide to come to this big party with the jazz band and the free food and the little boxes of toffee they can take home at the end of the night. At least we'll be milking the last little bit of airtime out of our Alltell contract.
2. Between my stress levels and Josh's new antidepressants we aren't exactly acting like a happy couple. Don't get me wrong, we are getting along fine and still want to marry each other, but it's not all kissy kissy lovey goo goo at The Incredibly Messy House on Excaliber Drive.
3. Speaking of which, I am rapidly running out of time to clean the house for the wedding. My freind/bridesmaid Xiangtang is staying with me the night before the wedding because i'm a little pussy who is scared to spend the night alone. Even though we live in a very safe, quiet subdivison on the edge of town. Plus my other bridesmaids and my mom etc. are dressing at the house so the photographer and videographer will be there to get those super cool dressing-for-the-big-day shots. I would freaking die if the mess was preserved in my wedding album. Thankfully next Monday and Tuesday is Fall Break and my wonderful boss has given me those days off. Hopefully I will be able to either clean up the mess or hide it. Then I can move on to...
4. Packing for the honeymoon. I've never been on a cruise before so I have only a vague idea of what to pack. I know I will need summer clothes since it's warm in the Bahamas, and i'm sure i'll need dressy clothes, but i'm not sure how many. And can Josh bring his PS2? Should I bring the travel iron? What type of things will freak out Homeland Security? Are they going to toss out my embroidery scissors? Or is that just on a plane? Do we need a garment bag? I know i'm probablly overthinking this, I overthink what to bring to a weekend at my parent's house. But then I can convince myself that they have the same things that I need for survival: deodorant, shampoo, OTC meds, and if they don't Wal-Mart is just a drive away. In this case whatever I forget I have to buy on the ship at three times the cost.
5. Speaking of the ship, what if I freak out? You're reading the musings of a woman who once got off a taxi-ing plane in Las Vegas because of a panic attack, forcing Josh and I to drive back to Greenville. Yes you read that correctly. We drove from Las Vegas to Greenville, North Carolina. And we didn't kill each other or break up or anything. But if I freak out on this ship once it leaves Port Canaveral my only way off is in a metal cage lifted by the Coast Guard. I am comforted by the fact that a cruise ship recently pulled into port with a dead sperm whale stuck at the bow and the ship was so big they didn't even notice. Anything that large will not go crazy in a storm and will take a while to sink. But i'm more worried about feeling confined and freaking out over that. Our room has a window so I doubt it will be a problem but I can never tell. That's why it's called an anxiety disorder. It doesn't make sense. At least this time I have some Klonopin. If I had had my little pink freinds two years ago our little incident on the plane could have been avoided. But then we wouldn't have the memories...
6. Of course all this pre-wedding stuff is to be expected. What isn't expected is the amount of flaking people have pulled recently. My Mother and one of my Aunts had a fight a couple of months ago. My Aunt was being a butthead and my mom called her on it. Well rather than getting over it, or putting aside her anger for one day my aunt and uncle have decided not to come to the wedding. So she's still being a butthead, I am kinda mad at her since part of her buttheadedness was talking smack about me, I am completely on my mom's side in this and I know I should say to hell with it. But I do love my aunt and wish she would come to the wedding. I know i'm always going to be sad that she wasn't there even if she brought it on herself. Then there's the matter of my Dad's freind Don. I grew up with Don being around, he was at Thanksgiving last year, he's a special freind of the family. But rather than come to the wedding he's going to a motorcycle show to try and sell some bikes. Now I know this is his livlihood and chances are he had to pay his seller fee in advance of our getting engaged, so i'm trying hard not to be mad. But i'm definately upset that he won't be there to share our day.
7. Finally, ten days before the wedding, I have lost a bridesmaid. Yes, this deserves it's own number. I chose my girls from my closest freinds. I don't have many freinds. I have my sister as maid of honor, natch. I remember when we lived in the old house and she was in a crib in the same room as me. And the time when we both went as black cats for Halloween. I remember her unfortunate Dorothy Hamill haircut, and she remembers my even more unfortunate perm. Then Linda and Xiangtang. I have known them since 1999 when I first came to Greenville. We were the Greenville Girls together. Xiangtang left a few years ago to get her masters degree and is now working on her PhD. But she still keeps in touch and visits when she comes down. Linda and I have been each other's support system forever. She moved with her husband an hour away a couple of months ago, but I still hear from her every week or so. We call each other for advice and to vent. She's taking care of our cats while we're on the honeymoon. I bought her dress for her since she couldn't afford it when it needed to be ordered. Stephanie and I met on the Silver bus about three years ago and realized we were in the same French class. She is the ultimate gal pal. We went shopping together, ate mexican food constantly (seriously, the manager at Mazatlan knew us by name and what we ordered) and since moving to Memphis for her MFA we have had many four hour phone conversations. I picked these four because they have been there for a long time and they are true freinds. I don't understand people who lop off one side of the attendants or fill it in with warm bodies. Taht's not what it's about. So anyway, when I heard from Stephanie yesterday that she didn't have the money to make it to the wedding, I was pretty upset. I'm trying to understand because we've been broke as a damn joke lately, but it's been seven months. It seems like she could have made sure this was going to work out. But as I told my mom in an email this morning I have too many other things to work on and worry about to waste energy being mad. As with my aunt and Don I think i'll always be kinda sad that she wasn't there, but it's out of my hands, so Onward and Upward.

Yes, I would like some cheese with these whines. A nice Parmesan if you have it. Or a smoked Gouda.

I've tried hard to be a good bride. I've not forced my bridesmaids to loose weight or buy dyed shoes. I haven't told Josh he has to pick four out of six of his freinds for groomsmen so the lines will be even. I haven't complained about gifts people have bought us that were'nt from the registry. (Why would I? I can either use them or take them back.) I'm caught up with my thank you notes. I haven't been rude or demanding to my vendors. I didn't even cut Josh's cousin like I said I would. Unless our headcount is ungodly her boyfreind can come. I'll smile and shake his hand in the receiving line. In the end I know it's all about the covenant that Josh and I are entering into. So I know that it will all work out. It will be wonderful and fun and one of the happiest days of my life. I'm sure the work and time and money will all be worth it. But right now I'm stressed and just a little cranky. After seven months of good behavior and everything going on, I think i've earned it.

The rules of engagement

A few things i'd like to remind everyone of:

1. DO NOT write a person in on your response card. If you cannot be away from this person for an evening at least call the person issuing the invitation and ASK if they may be able to squeeze them in. And be prepared for a no.

2. The person who stuffed those 100 envelopes took the time and money to stamp your response card. Send it in. Through the mail. Don't bring it by the house. We can't steam off the stamps with the space age adhesive the postal service uses these days, so just give us the satisfaction of seeing them canceled.

3. If you loose the response card draw a line down a 4x6 index card put a postcard stamp on it and mail it in. If that is just too hard, call and let them know. Don't wait until they are calling you the day before the headcount deadline to say you are/are not coming.

4. Send in the card even if "they know we're coming". Yes, but that's how we figure out how many people we need food for.

Anyone see a theme in these gripes?

And finally,

5. Please refrain from talking about a recently deceased person at a bridal shower. Especially if the Bride to Be was sobbing the loudest at the funeral. Don't say things like "You remind me so much of Judy" or "Judy took her dying better than anyone" or "She had such a peace about it" or "Well we know that cancer doesn't look at your age". These things will make her cry. Hard. And when her fiance finds out it will infuriate him. Then next thing you know you are in your front yard at midnight with a shoe up your ass wondering what you did to piss off this guy who bears a striking resemblence to Weird Al back when he had the beard and glasses. If you are desperate to talk about something ask her about the details of the wedding. And if you can't do that SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!!!

People these things are common sense and common decency. I shouldn't have to implore you to do these things via a blog that's only read by my mom and my sister, because come on.

(At left, even Grover is embarassed for you! I love you Grover!)

Don't make me cut you.

I'll cut ya. I'll cut you up so bad you won't believe how bad I cut you up!

As you can probably tell, i'm a little furious. Why? Someome wrote in a guest on their response card.

Yes, it is a big deal. It is a big fucking deal.

People of earth, this is not some pay for your own plate get together at Applebees. This is a very expensive and painstakingly planned event. You CAN NOT go inviting people yourself. Did I write their name on the envelope? Then they aren't invited. And if you can't be away from them for one evening, you need therapy.

Hopefully this will be taken care of tomorrow and without bloodshed. Because i'm not budging on this ever. And I will not dig deeper for someone I don't know from Adam and reinforce their rudeness. I have too much of my mother in me to lay down and take some rude ass mother fucking bullshit like this.

Ha HA! Fight Lupus!

As some of you may know, my betrothed suffers from Systemic Lupus. For those of you who don't know what Lupus is, the short version is that it's a condition where your body's autoimmune system attacks your soft tissues. Ususally this leads to painful joints, skin rashes and even inflamed organs. It's chronic, serious and no one knows why this happens. Josh has been very lucky. His intial flare was diagnosed fairly quickly and his symptoms have been brought under control. He's basically in remission but it could flare at anytime. Others aren't so lucky. Sometimes it takes years to get a diagnosis. Especially if you are an unusual case. Lupus mainly affects African American women, then men, then white women and finally white men. So Josh is really weird from a medical stand point.

So now that i've depressed you are you wanting to help?

Awesome.

Classic Checks has designed special checks and address labels that help the Lupus Foundation of America. 10% of the cost of the checks will go to the LFA. They feature pretty butterflies, since many with Lupus develop a "butterfly rash" on the face. (Josh never got the rash on his face. Go figure.) So if you're in the market for pretty checks, address labels, contact cards or a check book cover give these a look. It may save my hubby's life one day. (See how I guilted you there at the end? Now you can't say no!)

Welcome back Jules.

Well Jules came home last night. And he's doing much better. He was the happiest cat i've ever seen. In fact, he could hardly contain himself. Or, more acurately, he couldn't contain himself. He peed in the carrier on the way home. He peed as he got out of the carrier and onto the bed. Then he peed on the bedskirt and carpet. I think he was trying to show me he didn't need to go back to the vet. So last night was spent loving on our kitty, washing linens (again, I did them Sunday) and going to petsmart to get enzyme urine cleaner. Life is back to normal.

Come home Jules...

Josh and I have four cats. Or, if you hit us at the right time, four little bastards who are destined for the sausage factory. Of course like children, no matter how much stuff they tear up, or pee on or puke on, or scratch us, we sorta love them. So this weekend went from normal to craptacular in 12 hours when Jules had a recurrence of his UTI.

He's been fighting this thing for about a month. After his second round of antibiotics failed to make a big difference, I wound up at the vet Saturday morning for a walk in appointment. The dr. managed to get some urine out of him and announced that Jules had crystals in his urine. They gave him new antibiotics, liquid pain meds and a special diet aimed at dissolving the crystals. Then he told me that Jules needed to be watched carfully. If he didn't urinate at all in a space of twelve hours we were to bring him in right away. If he had a urinary blockage the urine could back up into his kidneys and make them fail.

So I set off for home with my panic meter at an 11. Once home we got the meds into Jules and confined him to my bathroom with his own box. Thus Urine Watch 2006 began. About every half hour I would peek in and find him straining to go. He threw up his special food. The box remained painfully dry. At 10:15 pm I paged the vet on call. For the second time that day Jules was shoved in his carrier and loaded into the car. Only this time I was freaking the fuck out.

I had no way of knowing what if anything was in his little urethra. Was it blocked? How bad? Was urine backing up as I sped down 14th street daring a cop to pull me over? Was he going to keel over dead? Does Petsmart carry the Happy Time Harry Dialysis Machine? I smell urine, but I didn't hear any hitting the plastic. Did I just imagine that? I did. Ok. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY IDIOT!!! I HAVE A SICK ANIMAL IN MY CAR!!!

When we arrived and met with the dr. she filled us in. After much effort to make Jules pee she figured his crystals had turned into a blockage. However since he was still awake and moving around the odds of him having any permanent damage at this point were slim.

So what Jules needed was a catherder. To put this in a cat required anasthesia. He would have this for two days. On Monday night they would take it out and if he was peeing normally they would send him home on Tuesday. This thrilling and life saving vacay at beautiful 10th Street Animal Hospital would cost us $400-500 dollars. Not counting the $118 I had spent earlier that morning. So we left Jules with the nice lady to stick a tube up his tukas and hope for the best. I spent the rest of the night pouty, praying for my baby to be ok, and trying not to cry. I also repeatedly assured Josh that we would come up with the money to pay the vet, even if it meant I had to whore myself out to all of Camelot. (Not that Josh would have said it's too expensive, we're not doing it. He adores our kitties as much as I do and would whore himself out if need be. But we take turns worrying about money and it was his turn.)

The next morning the doc called us with an update. The cath had gone in fine and they had emptied Jules' bladder. The urine was pretty gritty so it's a good thing we took him in when we did. He was getting his meds by injection and was pretty pissed, but he would be fine.

So we're just waiting for tomorrow night to see how he does with out the cath. I can't wait to have my little fluffy guy back home chasing bugs, tormenting Chloe and tossing Wally's salad. All this has taught me two things:

1. Listen to your gut. I had a mother's intuition that Jules wasn't right all last week. He just wasn't himself. Saturday I said fuck it. I know he's sick. I'm glad I did.

2. I should probablly go ahead and get my tubes tied. If this is how I react with a sick cat i'll need Thorazine to deal with a sick child.

Mommy loves you Jules!

Two months and counting.

It seems so close and yet so far away. What do you mean the big stuff is taken care of? I just started this whole thing. It's only been five months, geez. And I have a lot to do. Programs, details, wrap gifts, pass ports, loose five pounds.

Two more months. And four and a half years of shacking up becomes legal. We start over with a clean slate. But it seems like a shame to wipe those five years away. A lot has happened. My cat died, Josh's dog died, we bought a house, his grandmother died, he graduated college, I went from psychology to interior design to interior merchandising to not knowing what the fuck i'm doing, Linda got married, he got a Master's degree, he spent a hellish seven months working retail, his mom died of cancer. She died. Of cancer. There are no words for that.

The woman we hired to play violin at the ceremony suggested that before the processional she play a special song, usually for the mother of the bride. My mom, always with a good idea, came up with this one:


This Is a Day of New Beginnings

This is a day of new beginnings,
time to remember and move on,
time to believe what love is bringing,
laying to rest the pain that's gone.
For by the life and death of Jesus,
love's mighty Spirit, now as then,
can make for us a world of difference,
as faith and hope are born again.
Then let us, with the Spirit's daring,
step from the past and leave behind
our disappointment, guilt, and grieving,
seeking new paths, and sure to find.
Christ is alive, and goes before us
to show and share what love can do.
This is a day of new beginnings;our God is making all things new.

-Brian Wren, 1978

This is hella perfect. It just says it all.

Now I just need to call the violinist and see if she can play this, and if it's ok to move it in the ceremony to before the vows, and let the minister know and print the words in the program...

Who's retarded now!

Ok people. If you have ever found me funny you must go see Talledaga Nights. The humor redeemed a shitty fucking day yesterday (car fucked up, battery died, working on it in 100 degree heat, late for the movie, poured down rain as we got to the theatre) and redeemed Will Farrell in my eyes for Bewitched. (Josh had forgiven him with Anchorman, but I haven't seen that one yet.) Anyway, we are now having a nacho fountain and a Styx cover band at the wedding.

Portrait of a Bride II coming soon and after Bridezillas tonight i'm sure i'll have a rant about this Milena chick.

Shake and Bake!

Portrait of a bride Part I

I awoke last Tuesday, the morning of my bridal portriat, at 7:00 and heard rain outside. My immediate thought was that my hair was going to flop. My second thought was that I had hoped to take pictures out side. Fuck.

I had "slept" the night before in pink foam rollers trying to get my hair to take a curl. Of course if you have ever tried to do this, you know it is nearly impossible to sleep in foam rollers. So I was ill rested, wide awake and already mildly freaked.

So I got up and put my bathrobe on. A facial mask and some fuzzy slippers would have completed the ensemble and I would have been perfectly attired to run to Piggly Wiggly for some smokes and a Diet Coke.

While Josh slept I began painting my nails while watching In Search Of on SciFi. Not the old good ones from the '70s narrated by Leonard Nimoy, the new cheesy ones hosted by Mitch Peleggi, or A.D. Skinner on the X-files.

I had bought a french manicure kit since I don't get my nails done, so I spent about 20 minutes making sure the little stickers were on right then painted my tips white. I let them dry, peeled off the stickers and put some pink on. The results? Meh...

I redid four of them because the white had run under the sticker and wasn't clean enough for me. So I redid those and they still didn't look right.

So then I moved on to getting Josh up (about 9:30 now) and unrolling my hair to see if the curl took. It didn't.

And that was when I began to take bets on how long before I needed a Klonopin.

I rewashed my hair and rerolled it in smaller peices. Then it occured to me that I needed a laundry steamer since my gown had been in the bag for the last few months.

My Matron of Honor has a laundry steamer she bought for her wedding and I had planned on borrowing hers, but forgot to call the day before. So the hunt for Linda began.

I called her at home and on her cell phone. No answer. I called back and left a message on each. Thankfully she called me back right away. She and her husband are moving at the end of August and were an hour away looking for a place to live. So I handed the phone to Josh so she could tell him where the steamer was. (No way am I leaving the house looking like I did.) I drew him a picture of the thing and he set off.

Quit bitching about your list.

This post is pretty superfluous. Just read the title. But in case you have a few minutes to kill...

One of the things i've noticed on shows like Bridezillas, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, etc. and various other wedding outlets is constant bitching about The List.

"I have list of things to do a mile long!"

"I'll never finish everything on my list!"

"My list just keeps growing!"

You know what? Chicken butt. You and everyone else.

My list is huge and ranges from big tasks like getting passports to little things like buying candy for my bridesmaids gifts. But do I create?

Let's have a reality check here. You're planning a wedding. The typical wedding in the US takes six months to a year to plan and costs an average of $20,000. Of course you're going to have a lot to do. It comes with the territory. Accept it!

And if it is really that overwhelming you have two choices: simplify or delegate.

Do you really need to do place cards for a buffet reception? No, not really. Do you really have to compare prices on bulk Jordan Almonds at ten different websites? No. Pick four or five and roll with it. Must you have the printed cocktail napkins? No. No one remembers those anyway.

And if you can't cut down your list that way, delegate! That's why you have a bridal party.

WAIT!!! STOP RIGHT THERE!!!!

Let me clear before you leap from you computer to dump 50 pounds of Jordan Almonds, a bolt of tulle and 1000 yards of ribbon on your Maid of Honor's doorstep and speed away into the night.

When you delegate, YOU ASK. NICELY!!!

"Sarah, could you please help me with these favors? I have so much to do, I would really appreciate it."

How hard is that? And be genuine about it. If you really veiw your MOH as a work mule she'll know and be doubly insulted at your cloying.

So be nice, be genuine about your appreciation. And respect the time of your bridal party. They have kids, jobs, hobbies, in other words A Life. And that can't screech to a halt to tie favors for you for the next two months. Set a limit. 25 or 50 each is plenty for anybody unless they have a tulle fetish.

And if you are recently engaged start early. If you are behind start now! Don't underestimate how long some of these things take. The List is really your freind. It will keep you on task to finish things in plenty of time.

But all in all, quit your bitching. Be thankful for what you have. A wonderful fiance, a bridal party of your closest freinds and big special day to celebrate your marriage. In the grand scheme of things is The List really that big a deal?