Friday, May 12, 2006

The China Syndrome


Get it? It was a movie, and it's a post about the problems with my china pattern! Eh?

Fine. It's not that clever. But it's 12:47 in the morning, and not only have I cleaned up the house today, cut the back lawn and gone to work but I was up at the ass-crack of dawn when the douchebag across the street had his lawn service come cut his grass at SIX MUTHAFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING!!!! I am so egging his house next Halloween. Asshole. We've lived across from him for two years and the dick has never even waved at us. Fume.

Anyway, my point is I can only be so clever.

Especially when I am being consistently dicked around over my china pattern.

I have always wanted china. In the same way I always dreamt of a big formal wedding and a house in the 'burbs (I know i'm bourgeois, I don't care.) I always wanted china. Elegant grown up ladies had china. Special dishes of exquisite patterns taken out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversaries, or dinner parties. They stored them away for these occasions, and when the Eternal Footman had taken these ladies to the big bridge game in the sky, their china was a treasure given to children and grand children.

I'm sure i'm romanticizing it quite a bit, I did grow up watching Donna Reed reruns, but who can help it in today's society? People go through their cell phones like dental floss. I see people leaving the grocery store with disposable plates and cups all the time. They can't all be having a party or a picnic. I have a running joke with Josh that when Jesus comes back he'll find he's standing on a pile of styrofoam. I am reminded of the episode of The Simpsons where Bart takes Santa's Little Helper to obedience school. When Bart tries to convince the teacher to pass him even though he's terrible she says "Perhaps I cling to the old ways, as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered. BUT MY TIME HAS NOT PASSED YET!" Yeah, that's me.

So with that mindset I began to look at china patterns right after we got engaged. I wanted something that was not too old fashioned, but not so modern that it would seem gimmicky in 20 years. I wanted it to work with various decor, but not be too plain.

I spent hours online zooming into pictures, scrutinizing patterns, colors, and even the china itself. I dismissed many as too old fashioned. Some were too busy. There were a few that I liked, but the color was blah. I didn't give anything with just a band a second look. This is my china for goodness sakes! Knock it up a notch! And there were about three patterns I considered long and hard, but they all had the same fatal flaw: raised dots. All of them had these weird raised beads of china around the rim. No. This is not a motif i've seen before so it will undoubtedly go out of style at some point. I learned my lesson from the myriad of avocado green and harvest gold appliances and dishware at the Goodwill.

And then one day on the Bed Bath and Beyond site I found it. Royal Doulton "Litchfield". The colors are complex, but not too dark. The detail in the shading sets off the stylized petals and leaves. The dinner plate and saucer are simple, the border almost neoclassic. But then, the salad plate smacks you upside the head with it's bold art deco flowers. But it's not overdone. And finally the dessert plate and teacup take these elements and join them together like a beer and a coconut. I'm in lurv with this pattern. I <3 it. And yet...

No one carries it. NO ONE FREAKING CARRIES IT!!!! I called Bed Bath and Beyond today because it was on the website, but I couldn't add it to my cart or registry. They said it isn't available. So I looked at every website of every store I could think of in my area and in my family's area that would have a registry. Kohl's, Sears, Belk, JC Penny, Hechts, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Linens n Things (where we have our main registry), Nordstom. None of them carry it.

And I looked at the other patterns. None even came close. This pattern was dreamed up by Evil Brandi From the Parallel Universe Who Happens to Work at Royal Doulton to tease me. At this point my best bet is to register either with Amazon or Royal Doulton themselves. Don't think I won't do it!

But for now it's off to bed to dream of dinner parties with my perfect china and the ladies from the neighborhood. Where i'll have a poofy skirt and pearls and high heels to hang around the house in. And when they're gone i'll mop the floor in the pearls and the heels, and maybe take a few valium. Mmmmm, valium....

And Josh can make special appearance as my shy, nerdy milkman who needs the love of a good woman to

Wait, am I still typing? Crap! I am!

Well, off for a night of warm milk and Bible study... Mmmm, warm milk. Man.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

DAMN! That's the one I liked, too! Proving once again that GREAT MINDS DO THINK ALIKE! hahahaha......I do hope you can get it! I think it's ever so lovely....Not just the same old blahsay thing; got some spunk to it; got some life to it; got some color to it, for pities sake! Heck, it's just downright purty! hehe.....
~mom~

Anonymous said...

Oh yeah.....like that part about the "warm....milk....man...."
hehe....
~m~

Anonymous said...

Looks nice! Awesome content. Good job guys.
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