Monday, September 29, 2008

Why? Why do I keep watching Monsterquest? WHY?

Oh Monsterquest. You suck so bad. Why do I still record and watch you?

Monsterquest started out promising. I didn't think it should be on the history channel, but neither did Ax Men so what could I do.

I enjoyed the first few episodes, even when they sorta got lame faster than I expected. I mean, Bigfoot, Swamp Ape, Grassman, these are all Bigfoot, ok? If it's ape/man like it's Bigfoot, Sasquatch, etc. Same thing. But for Wednesday night TV it's not bad.

Then the second season took a turn for the lame. Mega Hog? Giant Rats? Some mysterious beast killing things in NC that couldn't possibly be a cougar despite the cougar like way of killing prey and the camera phone photo of a cougar like creature? Because cougars can't pass the cougar forcefield that keeps them where you can expect to find them and out of where you won't expect to find them. Because of the cougar forcefield. Cougar. (And let's not forget the idiots digging up their dogs bones like they could tell someone anything about what killed it.)

And Ghosts? Ghosts aren't mosters. Poltergeists i'll call monsters, but that's a stretch and they weren't even looking for those types of ghosts. Just your average cold feeling, spots on a photo, eerie light on a video tape ghost. Lame.

Then we came to what I thought was the bottom of the barrel. Vampires. Vam. Pires.

Vampires are not monsters. Nor do they exist. The people who call themselves Vampires are regular people who drink blood and somehow "feed" on other's "energy". They aren't really Vampires. Vampires are made up and are not mosters that need to be quested for. Really. If you want to find a vampire go find some goth kids at your local high school or college and if there isn't one there i'm sure they know someone who claims to be a vampire and would love to talk to you about it. No questing required.

Secondly, the history of the Vampire has been covered before in much better shows on the history of the Vampire and people who call themselves Vampires have been covered pretty extensivley on about ten episodes of WE' s Secret Lives of Women.

So I thought that Vampires would be where Monsterquest and I would break up. But I forgot to delete the timer and I wound up recording China's Wildman (hint: Bigfoot.) and Giant Bears.

Giant bears is where I part company with Monsterquest. You guys are dumb and are looking for anything to make a show out of.

The thesis behind this episode was that bears may be evolving and loosing their fear of humans and getting larger and maybe this prehistoric bear is still around. Why? Why do they think this? Becuase people are seeing bears more and some people have shot some bears that are bigger than usual.

Now lets look at this rationaly.

First, the idea that a prehistoric bear could have survived and is now running amok is ludicrous. This is the same theory that's presented for Nessie and to me it makes more sense that a sea lizard could hide in deep water and reproduce and remain hidden for all this time than it does a bear, that is visible and hunted for various reasons and basicly is just too out there to hide.

Second, the fact that some hunters have killed bears that are much larger than average meaning that monster bears have to be out there is crap. My Grandfather's sister was seven feet tall. (No she did not have acromegaly or some other pituitary disease, she was just tall.) Now a seven foot tall woman (without a medical condition) is pretty unusual, but it doesn't mean that she's a whole new species of Amazons that are taking over Durham. It means that in the vast spectrum of human traits she hit the height lottery. Same with these bears. They happen to be larger for what ever reason. Look at my cats. Mary Jane and Stinky are four pounds each. Wally and Jules are 14 and 15 pounds respectively. Zeke is six or seven pounds and thus average. So do I have a new breed of monster housecat on my hands? Monsterquest would probably think so.

Third, the show completely glossed over the encroachment issue. They asked is this encroachment? Or is this a new breed of bear? Well, considering that humans are tearing down animal's habitats and builidng neighborhoods in them more and more this sounds like a textbook case of encroachment. People see bears more near their houses. Bears associate humans with food. Bears loose fright of humans. Duh.

But what really pissed me off with it's outright stupidity was that they kept showing footage and talking to people who had seen bears near their house 45 minutes from Manhattan. As if Manhattan and it's urban glow would scare away any wild animal in a 200 mile radius. But they didn't say mile. Because miles matter. Say this is about 50 miles from Manhattan near a wooded area. Well you're going to see bears. You know why? Because if you drive 45 minutes from any city you'll end up in Bum Fuck Egypt. I live in one of the largest cities in NC and this summer when Josh and I took off for the Outer Banks about 45 minutes out of town we wound up in Bum Fuck. Go 45 minutes out of Charlotte? Bum Fuck. 45 out of Raleigh? Bum Fuck. This holds true all over. Just because you live within an hour drive of a city doesn't mean the bears can't get you.

Further more the bears shown near these areas were black bears. We have them here in NC and I have a healthy fear of them. However, Black Bears generally don't bother people. They are shy and if you make some loud noise they'll run. So seeing a Black Bear in your neighborhood is unnerving, but not a crisis. You've moved into their territory so now deal. Lock up your garbage, bring your dogs in at night, supervise your kids, have the number for animal control ready and be alert if you have to go in the woods. Basicaly, you deal. You deal like every other human who's had to share space with animals since the begining of time.

So this episode was just too stupid and too hard on the bears. The bears are the victims here. We're the ones who move into their territory and then bitch when they get in our trash and then panic like a bunch of wusses when one lumbers through the back yard.

So it's over Monsterquest. You're on hiatus until next summer anyway. Maybe by then you'll have something interesting to talk about, but until then, leave me alone. Don't call, don't email me, take your stuff. This would be a good time to get together with everyone who's ever been on the show and camp out in the northwest and really make a go at finding Bigfoot. Follow your dream. This is how the whole thing started anyway.

And maybe when I run into you in a while you'll have some convincing evidence of an acutal monster. Or at least a bump. The growling eye is so over.

Empty promises.

I promise there is a Bridezillas post coming. There has to be to justify the hours I have wasted watching these crazy ass bitches freak out about their weddings. And the IQ points lost in the process.

As an aside, has this season seemed long to you? I was expecting Carlos and his wife to be the season finale, but damn, it just keeps going.

Hope on the horizion?

Maybe. Let's hope so.
The prevalence of the disease varies widely in different countries. In Europe and the United States, narcolepsy is roughly as common as Parkinson's disease or multiple sclerosis, affecting on average one in every 2,500 people.
There is no known cure for narcolepsy, which is often treated with stimulants to combat daytime fatigue.
An immediate family member with narcolepsy increases one's chances of having the disease by 10 to 40 times.
And to clarify, I don't has narcolepsy, but Ideopathic Hypersomnia is closely related and treated the same way. And it sucks about as much ass as actual narcolepsy so any new findings are good.
If you want to learn more or make a donation go to .

Friday, September 26, 2008

Dear Bakeries and Delis of America,

Please stop baking large seeds and seed like things into your bread. It is weird. Sesame seeds don't belong in bread that will be used to make a sandwich. They add no flavor and only a really bizarre texture that you run into half way through chewing. Gross. No more.

My unlimited love to you all,


Dear UPS drivers nation wide,

Please note that when you deliver a package you should ring the doorbell or knock before abandoning it on the porch or front step or whatever. You don't have to wait for someone to open the door or hand them the package (unless it's that type of package) but you do need to alert anyone who may be home that they have something outside waiting for them. Something they ordered or was sent to them and they are almost certainly looking for and looking forward too.

Now i'm not accusing everyone. Sometimes my UPS person does ring my bell and let me know that Amazon or American Girl didn't just take my money and run. However, recently i've had way more deliveries that I wasn't aware of and that needs to stop. If I didn't have such refined American Girl senses I wouldn't have known until 8:30 last night that Abigail's new outfit had arrived. And if it weren't for me going to my new freind's house to watch Grey's Anatomy and leaving at 8:30 it would have sat outside all night. ALL NIGHT! My precious and expensive doll clothes outside in the dark and the humidity and the sadness thinking I didn't love them, ALL NIGHT!

So if you do ring the bell or knock when you deliver a package, thank you. I appreciate it.

But if you don't, shape the hell up!

My unlimited love to you all,


Happy Birthday Sweetie!

28 years ago today my hubby was born. He had a really large head and had to be yanked out with forcepts, but he was fine. (Except the large head. He still has that, it's a family trait actually.)
People annoy me with the "I hate birthdays" schtick. Would you rather have died this past year? Come on. Let the people who love you celebrate the fact that you're here. It's not all about you, it's also about all the people you've touched since you've been alive. And cake. Cake!

So today I celebrate my hubby. My hubby who is sweet, and funny, and adores our cats. Who goes to the beach with me eventhough he doesn't like it. Who drove me to Charlotte to see Bodyworlds eventhough we had a fight that morning and he's grossed out by medical stuff. Who flipped our mattress like The Incredible Hulk when I couldn't get to Wally under the bed as he had a seizure. Who has moved more people than he wants to remember. Who has become my family's computer guy without complaint. Who is always amazed at my needlework. Who hulks out again when people are rude or cruel, especially to animals. Who shares my twisted sense of humor. Who doesn't bat an eye when I buy too many doll clothes or cross stitch supplies or makeup. Who is an all around wonderful, wonderful person.
I couldn't imagine a better husband. I love you Biggzy! Happy Birthday.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Fun Facts about Vyvanse!

If you are prescribed Vyvanse you will get a list of all the horrible things that can happen to you while you are taking it. This sheet of paper will tell you not to take Vyvanse with orange juice or grapefruit juice since these will inhibit the drugs absorbtion. So you will take you're Vyvanse with some tea or maybe the milk left in your cereal bowl in the morning. And if you're like me you will then take off to work with a Diet Sunkist and then proceed to pee 10 times in a six hour period. Really.

Turns out that certain chemicals that make your urine acidic (like soda which is all way acidic) bonds with the drug and makes your body flush it out so it won't work and you'll visit all three bathrooms that you know of in your building. You know, to keep it fun!

Of course this is something I learned after poking around some ADHD forums and and not from the pamplet they gave me at the drugstore. So here I sit feeling mildly better than yesterday with tea to drink instead of my last Diet Sunkist. So if you take Vyvanse don't drink soda during the day, it will make you pee like crazy and drain all that pricey medication out of your system.

Love it.

That's right. It's Kermit. On a gift card for Hot Topic. And he's freaked out by Hot Topic. Awesome!

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-17-08

When I first met my boyfriend more than a year ago, one of his friends groped me. Then he did it again. And again. I told him about it immediately after the first incident and he dismissed it and said it didn't happen. Since we weren't in a proper relationship at the time, I felt like I didn't have any "rights," so I didn't pursue the conversation. As time went on and our relationship became more serious, I brought up the issue again. My boyfriend's response was: "He hasn't had any in a while, he's just a deviant." This response angered me greatly. I feel like he should feel some anger and indignation on my behalf and not try to make excuses for his friend.

Again, there is more, and again, i'll stop you here.

Break up with him. He is an asshole. His friends are assholes. There is no future here. Only misery.

Also, figure out why not being in a "proper relationship" means you have no "rights". You were groped by your asshole boyfreind's asshole freind. At the very least you have a right to kick the asshole friend in the balls. And you sure as hell have a right to tell your asshole boyfriend that his asshole friend violated you in this way.

Advice for the future: If you ever end up in a similar situation and your boyfreind doesn't stand up for you or gives you a BS answer leave. Right away. Do not return any calls. Do not email. No $200. No passing Go. Not yours.

And for real, look into the self-esteem/self-worth issue. That sort of thing attracts these guys and you'll end up dating the same loser over and over again.

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-19-08

Ok, I have to say, Carey didn't botch this one too bad. However, he did go a few places that I would not advise so that's why we're hitting the reset button.

I am a gay man and I help financially support my parents. They say they are registered independents yet are voting Republican for the third straight presidential election, in a swing state no less. This hurts me because, as we all know, the Republicans make discrimination against gays part of their party platform, and use us to drive their base to the polls. My parents make excuses, usually related to fiscal policy, to justify their decision, but it feels like just that, an excuse. My question is, am I justified in cutting off the money?

He goes on, but let me stop here. No. No you are not justified in cutting off your parents because you don't like who they vote for. Every person in this country who is over 18 and hasn't had their voting rights suspended due to a felony gets to vote for who ever they want. Republican, Democrat, Communist, the freaky looking Jack in the Box guy, doesn't matter. You turn 18, you register, you don't commit felonies, you get to press a button, flush a toilet, fill in a bubble, write in your person, for whoever you think is the best choice. Period.

Your parents are adults and citizens and they get this right the same as you. Would you have thought it fair if they had cut you off in college for this reason? Of course not. Because it isn't fair to cut someone off for this reason period.

Why can you cut off your parents? Lots of reasons. They were/are abusive and you want to end your relationship with them. They spend the money on drugs/booze/gambling and you aren't going to enable them anymore. They can't handle money period and you really just need to get a lawyer involved so they don't send all the money to the new Jimmy Swaggart. You're giving them so much you can't pay your bills or save for your future. These are all reasons you can cut your parents off. But not for who they vote for.

You have to step back and see their political difference as something personal that you have no business being involved in. Because you don't. I know that's hard with you being gay and the Republicans often actively working against you, but what really matters here is the small picture. Your parents love you, support you, are warm and nice to your husband, and are grateful for your help. The end.

You owe them respect that you can show by letting their polictical differences rest. You've talked to them and they are holding fast. The. End. Closed subject.

Keep sending them the money they need. Keep giving them the love and respect they've earned by bringing you into the world, loving you and supporting you. And the next time you have some time reflect on all the gay people out there who don't have parents to send money to because they died, or cut off contact because their child was gay, or are still openly hostile toward their kid. They love and support you. To steal a phrase from Carolyn Hax, congrats, you won the lottery.

Product Slut: Because Whores Get Paid.

Have you seen my new earrings? New as in bought them about two months ago when I wasn't posting? Aren't they cute! They're little studs that I wear with my pirate charm bracelet. I love them! And they can be yours if you look on Amazon for skull earrings. Yea! I love these earrings! Now I need a skull ring to match!

Advice Do-over: Carey Tennis 9-24-08

Can we all agree that Carey Tennis sucks? I think we can. He seems like a nice enough guy but his advice is pretty lame. So here i'll post what I would have said because i'm bossy like that. I'll also cut down the navel gazing to the bare bones of the problem. I guess that's why these people write Carey Tennis, he's as longwinded and navel-gazing in his answers as they are in their questions. (Also stay tuned for other columns I Do-over. But most of the others I read are better than Mr. Tennis so i'm not sure how often that will be.)

I work with about 10 other individuals at a local nonprofit social service organization...One day a community center employee discovered that to clean our offices we could engage the services of a work-placement center that employs individuals who have developmental challenges...Our cleaning services happen while we are open. This includes vacuuming when we are trying to speak to people on the telephone. We have endured personal items broken with no responsibility taken. I understand this is a job over which they have no control, but they are often intrusive and disruptive. Often they do not clean well. Pictures are left smeary, items are often not placed back as found. They do not seem to be trained to stay out of people's space -- they have even lifted people's elbows to wipe under them, and have replaced papers on a damp surface. When using paper towels, they leave shreds of the towel about, not cleaning them up. Moreover, the odor of the cleaning solutions has bothered many of us...They clean by doing a particular task in each room (all connected) one at a time, i.e., all the wastebaskets are emptied, then they come back to vacuum, then to dust/wipe, etc., so they are constantly being disruptive or distracting. When they leave they come back to say goodbye. They do not understand the meaning of a shut door. They will knock, and knock again, and even when there is no acknowledgment from the person involved in a private phone call from the other side, they will still push the door open to wave goodbye...We do not want to hurt these guys, nor do we want them to lose the work placement. I do not think there is any way for them to have access to the building when it is not open with staff, so night cleaning is not feasible. Their supervisor is rarely there, and as it was not our office that made the arrangements, but the community center, with which we do not want to create any friction, we feel unable to complain...Everyone seems rather spineless when it comes to discussing this with the director of the community center, who inherited the situation. The men also clean the rest of the building, which she is responsible for.

Oh dear. This is bad. No one wants to hurt the disabled guys feelings, but something has to be done. This is what bothers me about so many advice columns I read. No one wants to hurt anyone's feelings, which is good, but then they confuse being assertive and asking for what you need with being mean, which is bad. What makes this especially bad is that your work is being disrupted and that is just not acceptable.

So let's review: Yelling at the guys when they're cleaning and calling them names or making snide comments to them is mean. Calling, meeting with or otherwise talking with their supervisor about this problem is NOT mean.

You find a way to contact their supervisor and tell him/her that the guys are nice and work hard, but there are a few things you need to talk about. First, they need to be trained to not disturb people while they are working. Second they should be instructed on how to clean without leaving smears and debris. Third, the schedule should be changed to only have them do those sorts of tasks once a week, and to see if you can allow them into the building after business hours. If that fails then you have to find a way to tell them nicely, but firmly, that you don't want your desk wiped, your picture frames windexed, etc. You will also have to talk to them and again, gently but firmly, tell them not to enter an office with a closed door. Put a sign up if you have too. "Quiet please, i'm on the phone" isn't mean. It's honest and it's what you need to get your work done.

At the end of the day developmentally disabled people are still people and this is a situation where you can treat them as you would any other person who is disrupting your work. The only difference is you go to the supervisor first since they may be more comfortable explaining things to the guys. But if you do need to the remind them not to dust your desk be nice but firm, same as you would any other custodian.

This is a fixable problem that just takes some balls. Find someone to sack up and talk to the supervisor.

Dear Drivers of Greenville, NC,

Please note that in North Carolina if you have your windshield wipers on, you must also have your headlights on. No, this doesn't apply if you are cleaning your windshield, but it does if it's raining due to a currently un-named tropical system off the coast. I should have flashed about six of you maroons today on my way to work, but I was too busy trying to drive in the afore mentioned un-named tropical system and not hit you idiots without your damn lights on! If you ignore this letter I hope you get ticket upon ticket until you realize that this is dangerous and you are stupid.

My unlimited love to you all,


Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Who am I? Petey Pab Muthafucker!

How can you not like a song that starts that way? Really. And the man is from around here so it's even more awesome.

As with country music, I have about 25 rap songs that I like and this is one of them.

Remember a few years ago when the Carolina Panthers went to the Superbowl? No. Well I do. And the song they played when talking about us was "Carolina In my Mind", which is a great song. I heart James Taylor. But not for a FOOTBALL team! We're tough! We're badass! We're muscular! Play Petey Pablo! Maybe if we make it to the Superbowl again. Stop laughing. That isn't nice.

So take your shirt off, spin it 'round your head like a helicopter.

Vyvanse: Not so great akshulay.

At least so far. But I would expect a central nervous system stimulant to work the first day I took it. This isn't like an antidepressant or something. It needs to be working now. NOW!

The singing! The singing!

BTW, I still have The Sound of Music stuck in my head. Right now, the actual song The Sound of Music. Which I love, and feel a real connection to since I can so see myself singing on top of a mountain in a long dress. Josh likes to say that little birds help me get dressed in the morning, and well, it's not far from the truth.

Because nothing says Fun like a black box warning and an $87 co-pay.

Where to start. I guess I should begin by bidding aduei to my ole pal Ritalin. It's been fun. Only, not since the shit never worked for more than a few days. Of course it was fun only paying $10 for my medication.

Let me back up.

I have Idiopathic Hypersomnia. It's sorta like Narcolepsy Light. 1/3 less sleep paralysis than that other sleep disorder! Cataplexy free! (Well, you can be cataplexy free with Narcolepsy too, but I digress.)

Basically my brain sucks and doesn't know when it's day and when it's night. And it tends to think it's night all the damn time. So even when i've gotten a full nine hours with no problems (i.e. sleep apnea, seizures, etc) i'm tired. Rug on valium tired. Look at my lawn from the mailbox and think how comfy it looks tired. Really, really tired.

The only real way to treat this sort of problem is with stimulants, so please don't comment that I need to exercise or eat better or get more sleep. The only way for someone with this problem to feel better and function is to use stimulants.

Now Provigil is the new hotness for these disorders, but the week I was on it I had the headache non-fucking-stop, so that's out. Ritalin has been the second choice for a long time, but after three months on it at various doses it wasn't helping. So I went to the doctor yesterday needing something new.

Now let me pause here to praise my doctor. First of all, he's hot. He reminds me of Dr. Rip Studwell on the Fairly Odd Parents. He's got the coiffed dark hair, the glasses, the manly jaw. He is, as some would say, conventionally handsome. Like the hero in every 1950's movie and TV handsome. Sigh...

He's also very smart, very nice, always explains the meds to me, and has only asked me once if my depression could be the culprit here. He also acknowledged that the Provigil could interfere with my birth control and also acknowledged that was a bad thing for me. I love it when a doctor shows me respect!


So the Ritalin was crap and I needed something new. He gave me Vyvanse since it has a lower risk of giving me migraines. Awesome. He also told me that it has a black box warning from the FDA about dependency. Not awesome. But I told him that I didn't think I have an addictive personality and that i've seen enough Intervention episodes to be very afraid of loosing control to a substance and that I would tell him right away if I felt that something like that was happening. He explained that this medication could cause tics and possibly mood changes. Again I assured him that anything strange would be reported to him right away. So after reassuring my doctor (it's nice to have a doctor who doesn't gloss over these things) I left with a prescription and instructions to take 30mg for a week and then go to 40mg after that.

Super. I wasn't a hopeless case after all. This could work.

I went to Walgreens last night to get the prescription filled. I was looking forward to getting up today and taking a new medication that might make me feel better. I was just like the actors in all those drug commericals thrilled that their herpes is better, that they can get an erection again, or in a newer one, taken a poo that morning. Better living through chemistry!

When my name was called I went to the counter to happily pay my $30 brand name co pay. Or $50 if the drug is really new and exotic or can be replaced by something else. (For example a freind of mine was charged $50 for Nexium since they felt that two Prilosec a day would do the same thing.) But, no matter. Wakefulness was in my reach! No fear of falling asleep on my drive home from work! No struggling to get through work! Hooray!

"Ok, that will be $87. 32."

Wait, what?

"Well, the prescription was written for 30mg for seven days and then 21 days at 40mg so we're required by law to fill them separately."

Ok, but why $87?

"Well the 21 caplets were $50 for your co pay and the seven days one was $37 which is less than your co pay would have been."

Oh. Ok. What can I do? I pulled out the charge card since paying the mortgage and all the bills has left us flat broke until Tuesday. I swiped the card and chose credit. Then a little message popped up:

$87.32 Is this amount ok?

Uh, no, it's not ok. It's too damn much for 28 pills. I'll give you the $50 co pay for the 40mg. But I want to know how much those seven 30mg would have been each. So we'll say a month supply is 30 pills at $50, that comes out to about $1.67 per pill. So $11.69 for seven. That's what I want to pay for those. I think that's fair. Sadly, Blue Cross disagress.

So I said yes, it's ok and left with my drugs much less excited. Of course by then it was 9:00 and I was about an hour away from turning into a pumpkin so I wouldn't have been too excited then even if my drugs were free.

So it's me and you now Vyvanse. I'm taking some fairly serious risks for you, not to mention your cost. You had better be worth it.

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Party Monster

First, yes, I know this is the third Movie of the Week. I've been meaning to post this stuff for a while. Now on to business.

Yesh. Should have be called Bad Movie Monster.

This was a really, really lame movie. I'm not sure what disapointed me more, the lack of actual information regarding the Michael Alig case or the horrific acting.

Well, ok, I can choose. The lack of any additional information or insight into Michael Alig and his charecter or motivations disapointed me more than the horrific acting, which was mostly Macauly Culkin and Seth Green trying and failing to act queeny. I must say though, I eventually got used to Seth Green and his queeny act. It was like a movie with subtitles. You adjust and get used to it and then you don't even notice that you're reading anymore. Culkin on the other hand, wow. Really bad. Really, really bad. I've not seen him in anything else as an adult, but I hope for his sake that he's a better actor than this movie made him out to be. I don't want the guy to starve.

I guess I should have expected less, but damn, who would have thought that the American Justice about Michael Alig and the Club Kid Murders would be more informative and entertaining?

I still have my hopes up for Party Monster: The Shockumentary , but it's pretty far down on my queue so I won't get to it for a while. Maybe by then I will have forgotten how bad the fictionalization of the whole thing is.

Rating: One star. I would have rather used the space to record an old Bridezillas episode. Those are entertaining.

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Dante's Inferno

Dante's Inferno is the 2007 version of, well, Dante's Inferno, done with puppets.

I'll let that sink in.

Yes, puppets.

It is brutally awesome.

No, really. It is. The story has been slightly updated to have modern examples of the sins that people were cast into Hell for. The puppetry is amazing. The whole thing is so cool I can't even describe it.

The one bad part was that I recorded it from Ovation TV and they show more commercials than you can beleive. Every two or three minutes I was skipping commercials. If you don't have Netflix and can't see this any other way then Ovation is probablly your best bet. But this is totally worth a rental.

Rating: Four stars: I may have to own this.

My own private Hell.

About a month ago I finally watched The Sound Of Music on ABC Family. Yes, finally. It took me 27 years to see this thing. (I don't count my first year of life when I wasn't really sentient enough to get anything that was going on around me. In fact, maybe I shouldn't count anything before I was potty trained. The line between going in my pants and going in the potty seems like a good line to draw for being aware of things.) So actually, we're going to say 26 years to see The Sound of Music. Why? I'm not really sure. I just never got around to seeing it as a kid, and the four hour running time scared me off as an adult. But it was Labor Day weekend so what the hell.

Of course like anyone with a soul I loved it. How can you not love it? The songs! Oh, the songs.

The songs have been on permanent repeat in my brain for the last four or five weeks. Seriously. All the time it's something from The Sound of Music. And boy does it get tired. I'm in my own private Hell, but it's a Julie Andrews, Rodgers and Hammerstein singy sort of Hell so I guess it's not that bad.

Speaking of Hell...

Tifauxed Movie of the Week: Elephant

Dear Gus Van Sant,

Are you going anywhere with this son? That was my last mattress and bedtime's in an hour.

Triple points if you get that.

Anyway, even for a movie that wasn't compelling enough for me to see in the theatre or get from Netflix Elephant was disapointing, bad and overwrought. And it took for-freaking-ever to get to it.

And by "to it" I mean the school shooting. If I remember correctly the Elephant title came from the school shooting being the elephant in the room. But don't quote me on that, it's been a while. So I know that the whole thing was to drag out the suspense of waiting for the shooting, but in practice this sucked.

This sucked because Gus Van Sant felt the need to hit on every high school cliche out there. You have your pregnant teen couple, the kid with the alcoholic dad, the bulimic girls, the dorky girl who's uncomfortable with her body, and my goodness haven't we seen this all before? We have. Lots of times.

I know that avoiding cliches in a movie set in a high school is hard, but it's doable. It's even better if you pare down the cast of cliches and do some serious work on the charecters. But that didn't happen here. The whole story was as deep as a puddle.

Now I know that a story about a school shooting can be overdone. Like anyother tragedy it can be overwritten and overthought and try to assign blame to one thing or all things and this results in a bad movie all it's own, but Elephant felt like it wasn't even trying. It reminded me of the episode of The Simpsons where at the end they can't decide on the meaning of what's happened and Homer goes "It's just a bunch of stuff that happened."

Furthermore, the use of Fur Elise in the middle was just painful. PAINFUL! It went on forever and was so heavy handed about how this was all so important and tragic and watch the kid with the alcoholic dad walk down the hall where people will be killed soon, killed I tell you! And we cut to where one of the killers is playing this music and the other is on the computer SHOOTING PEOPLE IN A VIDEO GAME because it's all a game to them and is it the fault of the game? Maybe, maybe not. But how easily they can order guns off the internet!

And while i'm on the topic of heavyhandedness (shut up! it's a word!) the bulimic girls were as bad as the music. All three go into the bathroom (that has no one else in it eventhough this is lunchtime) and vomit up their lunch loudly. Oh the pain! Oh the tragedy of girls in this modern world! What is everything coming to! As if they never figured out how to keep it quiet (and they do, i've read plenty of bulimic's stories and they all learn to hide the noise), or as if one of the three doesn't vomit for some reason or keep lookout as they purge. It just didn't make sense to me.

You know what else didn't make sense to me? The side of beef in the school's freezer. Let me repeat that. The SIDE OF BEEF IN THE FREEZER OF A PUBLIC SCHOOL. Now, if you are not like me and have not seen Modern Marvels: Butchers or your grandfather was not a butcher himself, let me explain why this is stupid. After a cow is slaughtered, skinned, and cut in half that half or "primal" or side of beef is then cut into smaller cuts that are packaged and sold. You can buy a whole side of beef if you go to a farmer or a ranch, Kate Goesslin did it on an episode of Jon and Kate plus Eight. (The beef was organic if you're wondering why someone would do such a thing.) ANYWAY the only time halves of cows are left hanging around are when they are in the storage area of the slaughter house being aged and waiting to be cut up into smaller peices. So unless this school had a butcher on hand and so few kids that the five or six steaks that he could get out of that thing could feed everyone it's just plain stupid.

And then I thought to myself as I turned this movie over in my mind in the shower "What is this place? A slaughter house?" Oh. Ohhhhhhh. Boo. Minus ten points for clumsy symbolism. Minus twenty for naming one of the shooters Eric. Why not just call the other kid Dylan? And finally minus twenty more points for making the shooters gay. What was that all about? Were they picked on because they were gay? Closeted and angry because of that? Experimenting in the shower? What? We need some context here! This whole movie needs some context!

In fact, I almost stopped and deleted the thing without finishing it, but at that point I was an hour in and damn it I was going to finish. So I did, and it wasn't that great.

Rating: Two stars. Not awful, but not really worth the hour and a half it took up on the hard drive. Glad I didn't use a Netflix rental for it.

Tuesday, September 09, 2008

Dear Walgreens,

I know you've switching my Ritalin with Tic-Tacs. Fess up. I should not feel this shitty a mere two hours after taking my Ritalin. I don't know what sort of sick person would change out someone's sleep disorder meds with breath mints but you hired them. I demand a return of my $10 co-pay, an apology and a $500 gift card to compensate me for feeling so shitty all the time I should have been feeling better had I been getting my meds.

If you do not comply I will be forced to stage a sleep-in protest at your store until my demands are met.

You have 48 hours to respond.


Meh: Pizza Hut Tuscani Pastas

A couple of weeks ago our freind Michael came down and he and Josh indulged in some pasta from Pizza Hut. They were pleased with it but I didn't get any since I had already eaten that night when they weren't hungry.

So last weekend after seeing a few too many commercials for the macaroni and cheese with bacon we decided to order pasta instead of going for Chinese. Because cheese + bacon = sign me up!

I called our Pizza Hut which was out of pasta, then called the one in Winterville, had to drive out there to get it since they don't deliver ten minutes down the road to our house, paid an arm and a leg for a family size mac and cheese, a pepsi and a personal sized alfredo, returned home and settled in for starch and "The Wonderful, Horrible Life of Leni Reifenstal". (More on that later.)

And, well, I was disapointed. The pasta wasn't bad, but it wasn't very good either. The mac and cheese was bland. I had to add salt! And the bacon flavor was not very prominent. The bacon should have been browned more and then mixed into the pasta while cooking, instead of used as a topping.

The alfredo wasn't great either. The sauce was again bland, the chicken was tender, but the herby crumb topping was way too herby and completely overpowered the rest of the ingredients.

So thumbs down. I still have a lot of the mac and cheese in the fridge and I should throw it out, but we paid a lot for it, so I hang on until it starts to grow things.

Speaking of Pizza Hut...

The smell of the place when we picked up the pasta got me craving a Pizza Hut pizza. This is the pizza I grew up with. We had a Pizza Hut right down the road from our house so we ordered there often and sometimes I just want a thick pan pizza for sentimental reasons. So a few days ago we ordered from our Pizza Hut (who was shockingly not out of pizza) and ordered a basic pan pizza with pepperoni and a cheese lovers for Josh. And again, meh.

But really more of ughhhh. Either I had forgotten how greasy this pizza is or they added a quart of grease since I last had this pizza years ago. The cheese was oppressive. The cheese on Josh's pizza looked like The Blob. I only ate two pieces and haven't touched the leftovers. I plan to reheat it tonight since again we paid an assload for this pizza, but i'm not really looking forward to it. After those two average sized slices I can only describe the way I felt as logy. As if I had eaten the whole thing. Ugh.

I guess i'm stuck with the anti-choice nutjobs at Dominos. I hate their politics, but they make a good pizza.