Wednesday, December 13, 2006

Good Grief More Random Acts of Geekiness!

The other night I was blissfully asleep under my semi-new electric blanket when I had a dream about a certain geeky food icon tempting me to break my month old marriage vows.

No, not Christopher Kimball. Ew. Alton Brown. Mmmmm....

So in my dream I was at one of the dining halls here on campus and AB had to improve the cuisine. If I assisted him then I could skip class and we would make some bacon. Of course the dining hall looked less like a dining hall and more like the wine section at Lowes Foods, all soft light and honey wood.

Long story short I of course tried to help him as much as I could. I did get sidetracked when I decided it would be faster to take a campus bus back to where he was rather than run, which it was not. And in the tradition of dreams I had other things going on, like a family at McDonalds, and my sister and our videographer from the wedding and me in this church. And the whole place was this terrible blue and a bride wanted to paint it before the wedding, and I was working on a cross stitch project... It makes no sense.

However I did make it back to AB who had to make do with a chicken rather than a duck for his recipe. And he was pleased with my help. However, I woke up before my dream got to the fun part.

I told Josh about this when I woke up. He just gave me a wierd look, suggested that I mention my fucked up dreams to my therapist and walked out. You know the usual response.

Oh AB. We'll always have the Wright Place...

Monday, December 11, 2006

What a mess, what a mess, what a mess.

About an hour ago I was sitting here at the computer much like I am now, only I was a mess. A complete and total wouldn't think I was a married adult mess.

From head to toe:

My hair was nasty, my bangs in my eyes and in need of another coloring.

My face was in need of a clay mask. Still is. Can't hit them all.

I was pretty stinky.

I hadn't shaved or moisturized in a while. My legs were like an enchanted forest of hair on a scaly, dry patch of soil.

My feet were very dry and scaly and looked like they needed power sanding.

Thankfully Josh was equally stinky and dirty so he didn't notice. But I did feel like a bit of a failure. So I have colored my hair, used my pore refining face wash, shaved, moisturized, deodorized and pumiced. I am in much better shape. Except...

Judging from what my hair looked like while slathered in ColorSilk I may have to start liking Marilyn Manson and break out my old bottle of black nail polish. This goo was less Medium Ash Brown and more Guest on Goth Talk. So I await the results once my hair dries.

Sunday, December 03, 2006

Thank you Jesus!!!

I just found the addresses! They were in an overnight bag that I took to Josh's dad's house two weeks ago. I am so relieved. Let this be a lesson to all of you: unpack your stuff promptly and keep your house clean!

Friday, December 01, 2006

Really, really going to Hell.

Well, my addresses were not at work. I'm hoping that if I clean the house really well i'll find them. Say a prayer for me.

Thursday, November 30, 2006


Ok, I had hoped I wouldn't have to do this. That maybe in the past couple of days my annoyance would have faded. But it hasn't. So here goes.

SPOILER ALERT!!!! If you are not up to date on the last season of House do not read further!!!

So Tuesday night after a vicoden withdrawing House tells Cuddy that she would suck as a mom so it's a good thing she isn't pregnant, Cuddy is crying in her office. She then explains to Wilson her efforts to get pregnant. She says that she's had three implants... No. Doctors do not implant embryos or zygotes or whatever stage they are in. They are transferred. If they could implant these things then that would save a lot of problems. But they transfer them and hope for the best.

Now if I were watching a different show this would have elicted an eyeroll and little more. But this is House. One of the better, smarter shows on TV. And since the entire concept of the show is that people have weird diseases i'm sure they have medical people on staff for their weekly plots. Now all I know about IVF comes from reading infertility blogs, but even I know the basics. And I find it hard to believe that whatever medical expert works on the show couldn't be spared to write for the SEASON LONG STORY ARC! But even if he couldn't, how hard is it for an intern to google "IVF terminology"?

It bugs. I expect better from House. But now that that's outta my system...

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

I'm so going to Hell...

Why? Well, i've just now started my thank you notes from the wedding. I know, i'm gonna burn in some facsimile of Robot Hell. It's not that i'm ungreatful, i'm just really really tired and the last month has flown by. Shit, i'm still trying to find places to put things and it's time for me to drag the Christmas decorations out of the attic.

So anyway, after dinner tonight I decided that I would write notes until 8:00 then Josh and I would settle down to watch my new Netflix delivery and I would cross stitch contendedly knowing that several notes were in the mail box waiting to be picked up.

Now I had intended on starting these on Tuesday at work, sometimes things get really slow, but things got really busy. And while I remembered to stick the envelope with my blank notes and my list back in my bag, I forgot my index card file of addresses. So I have six notes on the coffee table, all stamped, four awaiting addresses. I suppose i'll just send them out tomorrow from work, but darn I wanted to put them in the mailbox tonight and put up that little red flag. So if you're reading this and you sent us a gift, the note is coming. I'm late, but i'm not an asshole.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

One month.

Oh, by the way, we've been married for a whole month today. Woo Hoo! In the past month I've learned a few things.

  1. Cruises are awesome. As soon as I perfect my Under the Stateroom Bed camoflauge i'm outta here.
  2. If you ever put regular dish soap in your diswasher you can add a capful of liquid fabric softener to the machine and let it run to break up the bubbles. Not that I did anything like that...
  3. Registy gifts are fun, until you have to find room for them.
  4. A long soak in warm water and OxiClean will get out the stench from a t-shirt left in the shower of your stateroom for a week.
  5. Ring around the collar is real. Guys, wash the back of your filthy necks! EEEEWWWW!

You oughta be in pictures!

I get my proofs back today. I'm glad to have them to look over while the whole crew is down for turkey day. I just hope that they are better than some of my pictures from the honeymoon. For instance the photos from the Horseback Ride and Swim where my blindingly white cellulite ridden thighs are contrasted against the dark brown horse. Why are those in the album again?

Monday, November 13, 2006

Geek Bride and the incredibly messy house on Excaliber Drive.

Where the hell have I been? In the kitchen and the living room trying to sort out my life.

There's the crap I didn't get to cleaning before the wedding that was stacked and shoved and hidden. There's the Honeymoon detrius, dirty clothes, clean clothes, keepsakes, pictures, and ziploc bags of personal items. There's the stuff from the wedding, the leftover bubbles, favors, programs, and of course the gifts. And there is always the stuff that doesn't care if you're married or not: dirty clothes you wore to work, dirty towels, groceries, junk mail, halloween decorations, wal mart bags, and the never ending tide of dirty dishes. So forgive me if i'm not dying to fill you all in on the wedding and honeymoon just yet. Right now i'm just dying to wake up one morning to find the Newlywed Faerie has come and sorted things into organized, clean piles. Or made it all disappear into the front yard where Pak-R can sort it out come Friday.

Monday, November 06, 2006

So how was it?

It was great. It was amazing. It was so much fun. It was over so fast.

It was worth every penny, every sleepless night, every napless afternoon.

It was the greatest thing since sliced bread (sliced bread having been invented the previous winter). It was the cat's meow. It kicked ass. It took names. It was so much fun.

It was perfect and imperfect. It was strange but totally natural. It was murder on my feet.

It was great. It was amazing. It was so. Much. Fun.

It was over so, so fast.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

I believe I was promised a rose garden...

As anyone who has ever planned a wedding knows it isn't always Skittles and beer. In fact it's more like pickled eggs and moonshine. Here's a list of the things that have gone wrong, or are crappy or are giving me a migraine as we speak.

  1. We have about 15 people who don't know what "The favor of a reply is requested on or before October 7, 2006." and a self-addressed stamped envelope mean. If you can't make it fine. I will understand, for the most part. But let me know. Tonight I have to sit down and call these people and see if they will decide to come to this big party with the jazz band and the free food and the little boxes of toffee they can take home at the end of the night. At least we'll be milking the last little bit of airtime out of our Alltell contract.
  2. Between my stress levels and Josh's new antidepressants we aren't exactly acting like a happy couple. Don't get me wrong, we are getting along fine and still want to marry each other, but it's not all kissy kissy lovey goo goo at The Incredibly Messy House on Excaliber Drive.
  3. Speaking of which, I am rapidly running out of time to clean the house for the wedding. My freind/bridesmaid Xiangtang is staying with me the night before the wedding because i'm a little pussy who is scared to spend the night alone. Even though we live in a very safe, quiet subdivison on the edge of town. Plus my other bridesmaids and my mom etc. are dressing at the house so the photographer and videographer will be there to get those super cool dressing-for-the-big-day shots. I would freaking die if the mess was preserved in my wedding album. Thankfully next Monday and Tuesday is Fall Break and my wonderful boss has given me those days off. Hopefully I will be able to either clean up the mess or hide it. Then I can move on to...
  4. Packing for the honeymoon. I've never been on a cruise before so I have only a vague idea of what to pack. I know I will need summer clothes since it's warm in the Bahamas, and i'm sure i'll need dressy clothes, but i'm not sure how many. And can Josh bring his PS2? Should I bring the travel iron? What type of things will freak out Homeland Security? Are they going to toss out my embroidery scissors? Or is that just on a plane? Do we need a garment bag? I know i'm probablly overthinking this, I overthink what to bring to a weekend at my parent's house. But then I can convince myself that they have the same things that I need for survival: deodorant, shampoo, OTC meds, and if they don't Wal-Mart is just a drive away. In this case whatever I forget I have to buy on the ship at three times the cost.
  5. Speaking of the ship, what if I freak out? You're reading the musings of a woman who once got off a taxi-ing plane in Las Vegas because of a panic attack, forcing Josh and I to drive back to Greenville. Yes you read that correctly. We drove from Las Vegas to Greenville, North Carolina. And we didn't kill each other or break up or anything. But if I freak out on this ship once it leaves Port Canaveral my only way off is in a metal cage lifted by the Coast Guard. I am comforted by the fact that a cruise ship recently pulled into port with a dead sperm whale stuck at the bow and the ship was so big they didn't even notice. Anything that large will not go crazy in a storm and will take a while to sink. But i'm more worried about feeling confined and freaking out over that. Our room has a window so I doubt it will be a problem but I can never tell. That's why it's called an anxiety disorder. It doesn't make sense. At least this time I have some Klonopin. If I had had my little pink freinds two years ago our little incident on the plane could have been avoided. But then we wouldn't have the memories...
  6. Of course all this pre-wedding stuff is to be expected. What isn't expected is the amount of flaking people have pulled recently. My Mother and one of my Aunts had a fight a couple of months ago. My Aunt was being a butthead and my mom called her on it. Well rather than getting over it, or putting aside her anger for one day my aunt and uncle have decided not to come to the wedding. So she's still being a butthead, I am kinda mad at her since part of her buttheadedness was talking smack about me, I am completely on my mom's side in this and I know I should say to hell with it. But I do love my aunt and wish she would come to the wedding. I know i'm always going to be sad that she wasn't there even if she brought it on herself. Then there's the matter of my Dad's freind Don. I grew up with Don being around, he was at Thanksgiving last year, he's a special freind of the family. But rather than come to the wedding he's going to a motorcycle show to try and sell some bikes. Now I know this is his livlihood and chances are he had to pay his seller fee in advance of our getting engaged, so i'm trying hard not to be mad. But i'm definately upset that he won't be there to share our day.
  7. Finally, ten days before the wedding, I have lost a bridesmaid. Yes, this deserves it's own number. I chose my girls from my closest freinds. I don't have many freinds. I have my sister as maid of honor, natch. I remember when we lived in the old house and she was in a crib in the same room as me. And the time when we both went as black cats for Halloween. I remember her unfortunate Dorothy Hamill haircut, and she remembers my even more unfortunate perm. Then Linda and Xiangtang. I have known them since 1999 when I first came to Greenville. We were the Greenville Girls together. Xiangtang left a few years ago to get her masters degree and is now working on her PhD. But she still keeps in touch and visits when she comes down. Linda and I have been each other's support system forever. She moved with her husband an hour away a couple of months ago, but I still hear from her every week or so. We call each other for advice and to vent. She's taking care of our cats while we're on the honeymoon. I bought her dress for her since she couldn't afford it when it needed to be ordered. Stephanie and I met on the Silver bus about three years ago and realized we were in the same French class. She is the ultimate gal pal. We went shopping together, ate mexican food constantly (seriously, the manager at Mazatlan knew us by name and what we ordered) and since moving to Memphis for her MFA we have had many four hour phone conversations. I picked these four because they have been there for a long time and they are true freinds. I don't understand people who lop off one side of the attendants or fill it in with warm bodies. Taht's not what it's about. So anyway, when I heard from Stephanie yesterday that she didn't have the money to make it to the wedding, I was pretty upset. I'm trying to understand because we've been broke as a damn joke lately, but it's been seven months. It seems like she could have made sure this was going to work out. But as I told my mom in an email this morning I have too many other things to work on and worry about to waste energy being mad. As with my aunt and Don I think i'll always be kinda sad that she wasn't there, but it's out of my hands, so Onward and Upward.

Yes, I would like some cheese with these whines. A nice Parmesan if you have it. Or a smoked Gouda.

I've tried hard to be a good bride. I've not forced my bridesmaids to loose weight or buy dyed shoes. I haven't told Josh he has to pick four out of six of his freinds for groomsmen so the lines will be even. I haven't complained about gifts people have bought us that were'nt from the registry. (Why would I? I can either use them or take them back.) I'm caught up with my thank you notes. I haven't been rude or demanding to my vendors. I didn't even cut Josh's cousin like I said I would. Unless our headcount is ungodly her boyfreind can come. I'll smile and shake his hand in the receiving line. In the end I know it's all about the covenant that Josh and I are entering into. So I know that it will all work out. It will be wonderful and fun and one of the happiest days of my life. I'm sure the work and time and money will all be worth it. But right now I'm stressed and just a little cranky. After seven months of good behavior and everything going on, I think i've earned it.

Monday, September 25, 2006

The rules of engagement

A few things i'd like to remind everyone of:

1. DO NOT write a person in on your response card. If you cannot be away from this person for an evening at least call the person issuing the invitation and ASK if they may be able to squeeze them in. And be prepared for a no.

2. The person who stuffed those 100 envelopes took the time and money to stamp your response card. Send it in. Through the mail. Don't bring it by the house. We can't steam off the stamps with the space age adhesive the postal service uses these days, so just give us the satisfaction of seeing them canceled.

3. If you loose the response card draw a line down a 4x6 index card put a postcard stamp on it and mail it in. If that is just too hard, call and let them know. Don't wait until they are calling you the day before the headcount deadline to say you are/are not coming.

4. Send in the card even if "they know we're coming". Yes, but that's how we figure out how many people we need food for.

Anyone see a theme in these gripes?

And finally,

5. Please refrain from talking about a recently deceased person at a bridal shower. Especially if the Bride to Be was sobbing the loudest at the funeral. Don't say things like "You remind me so much of Judy" or "Judy took her dying better than anyone" or "She had such a peace about it" or "Well we know that cancer doesn't look at your age". These things will make her cry. Hard. And when her fiance finds out it will infuriate him. Then next thing you know you are in your front yard at midnight with a shoe up your ass wondering what you did to piss off this guy who bears a striking resemblence to Weird Al back when he had the beard and glasses. If you are desperate to talk about something ask her about the details of the wedding. And if you can't do that SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE!!!

People these things are common sense and common decency. I shouldn't have to implore you to do these things via a blog that's only read by my mom and my sister, because come on.

(At left, even Grover is embarassed for you! I love you Grover!)

Tuesday, September 05, 2006

Don't make me cut you.

I'll cut ya. I'll cut you up so bad you won't believe how bad I cut you up!

As you can probably tell, i'm a little furious. Why? Someome wrote in a guest on their response card.

Yes, it is a big deal. It is a big fucking deal.

People of earth, this is not some pay for your own plate get together at Applebees. This is a very expensive and painstakingly planned event. You CAN NOT go inviting people yourself. Did I write their name on the envelope? Then they aren't invited. And if you can't be away from them for one evening, you need therapy.

Hopefully this will be taken care of tomorrow and without bloodshed. Because i'm not budging on this ever. And I will not dig deeper for someone I don't know from Adam and reinforce their rudeness. I have too much of my mother in me to lay down and take some rude ass mother fucking bullshit like this.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Ha HA! Fight Lupus!

As some of you may know, my betrothed suffers from Systemic Lupus. For those of you who don't know what Lupus is, the short version is that it's a condition where your body's autoimmune system attacks your soft tissues. Ususally this leads to painful joints, skin rashes and even inflamed organs. It's chronic, serious and no one knows why this happens. Josh has been very lucky. His intial flare was diagnosed fairly quickly and his symptoms have been brought under control. He's basically in remission but it could flare at anytime. Others aren't so lucky. Sometimes it takes years to get a diagnosis. Especially if you are an unusual case. Lupus mainly affects African American women, then men, then white women and finally white men. So Josh is really weird from a medical stand point.

So now that i've depressed you are you wanting to help?


Classic Checks has designed special checks and address labels that help the Lupus Foundation of America. 10% of the cost of the checks will go to the LFA. They feature pretty butterflies, since many with Lupus develop a "butterfly rash" on the face. (Josh never got the rash on his face. Go figure.) So if you're in the market for pretty checks, address labels, contact cards or a check book cover give these a look. It may save my hubby's life one day. (See how I guilted you there at the end? Now you can't say no!)

Welcome back Jules.

Well Jules came home last night. And he's doing much better. He was the happiest cat i've ever seen. In fact, he could hardly contain himself. Or, more acurately, he couldn't contain himself. He peed in the carrier on the way home. He peed as he got out of the carrier and onto the bed. Then he peed on the bedskirt and carpet. I think he was trying to show me he didn't need to go back to the vet. So last night was spent loving on our kitty, washing linens (again, I did them Sunday) and going to petsmart to get enzyme urine cleaner. Life is back to normal.

Monday, August 28, 2006

Come home Jules...

Josh and I have four cats. Or, if you hit us at the right time, four little bastards who are destined for the sausage factory. Of course like children, no matter how much stuff they tear up, or pee on or puke on, or scratch us, we sorta love them. So this weekend went from normal to craptacular in 12 hours when Jules had a recurrence of his UTI.

He's been fighting this thing for about a month. After his second round of antibiotics failed to make a big difference, I wound up at the vet Saturday morning for a walk in appointment. The dr. managed to get some urine out of him and announced that Jules had crystals in his urine. They gave him new antibiotics, liquid pain meds and a special diet aimed at dissolving the crystals. Then he told me that Jules needed to be watched carfully. If he didn't urinate at all in a space of twelve hours we were to bring him in right away. If he had a urinary blockage the urine could back up into his kidneys and make them fail.

So I set off for home with my panic meter at an 11. Once home we got the meds into Jules and confined him to my bathroom with his own box. Thus Urine Watch 2006 began. About every half hour I would peek in and find him straining to go. He threw up his special food. The box remained painfully dry. At 10:15 pm I paged the vet on call. For the second time that day Jules was shoved in his carrier and loaded into the car. Only this time I was freaking the fuck out.

I had no way of knowing what if anything was in his little urethra. Was it blocked? How bad? Was urine backing up as I sped down 14th street daring a cop to pull me over? Was he going to keel over dead? Does Petsmart carry the Happy Time Harry Dialysis Machine? I smell urine, but I didn't hear any hitting the plastic. Did I just imagine that? I did. Ok. GET THE FUCK OUTTA MY WAY IDIOT!!! I HAVE A SICK ANIMAL IN MY CAR!!!

When we arrived and met with the dr. she filled us in. After much effort to make Jules pee she figured his crystals had turned into a blockage. However since he was still awake and moving around the odds of him having any permanent damage at this point were slim.

So what Jules needed was a catherder. To put this in a cat required anasthesia. He would have this for two days. On Monday night they would take it out and if he was peeing normally they would send him home on Tuesday. This thrilling and life saving vacay at beautiful 10th Street Animal Hospital would cost us $400-500 dollars. Not counting the $118 I had spent earlier that morning. So we left Jules with the nice lady to stick a tube up his tukas and hope for the best. I spent the rest of the night pouty, praying for my baby to be ok, and trying not to cry. I also repeatedly assured Josh that we would come up with the money to pay the vet, even if it meant I had to whore myself out to all of Camelot. (Not that Josh would have said it's too expensive, we're not doing it. He adores our kitties as much as I do and would whore himself out if need be. But we take turns worrying about money and it was his turn.)

The next morning the doc called us with an update. The cath had gone in fine and they had emptied Jules' bladder. The urine was pretty gritty so it's a good thing we took him in when we did. He was getting his meds by injection and was pretty pissed, but he would be fine.

So we're just waiting for tomorrow night to see how he does with out the cath. I can't wait to have my little fluffy guy back home chasing bugs, tormenting Chloe and tossing Wally's salad. All this has taught me two things:

1. Listen to your gut. I had a mother's intuition that Jules wasn't right all last week. He just wasn't himself. Saturday I said fuck it. I know he's sick. I'm glad I did.

2. I should probablly go ahead and get my tubes tied. If this is how I react with a sick cat i'll need Thorazine to deal with a sick child.

Mommy loves you Jules!

Monday, August 21, 2006

Two months and counting.

It seems so close and yet so far away. What do you mean the big stuff is taken care of? I just started this whole thing. It's only been five months, geez. And I have a lot to do. Programs, details, wrap gifts, pass ports, loose five pounds.

Two more months. And four and a half years of shacking up becomes legal. We start over with a clean slate. But it seems like a shame to wipe those five years away. A lot has happened. My cat died, Josh's dog died, we bought a house, his grandmother died, he graduated college, I went from psychology to interior design to interior merchandising to not knowing what the fuck i'm doing, Linda got married, he got a Master's degree, he spent a hellish seven months working retail, his mom died of cancer. She died. Of cancer. There are no words for that.

The woman we hired to play violin at the ceremony suggested that before the processional she play a special song, usually for the mother of the bride. My mom, always with a good idea, came up with this one:

This Is a Day of New Beginnings

This is a day of new beginnings,
time to remember and move on,
time to believe what love is bringing,
laying to rest the pain that's gone.
For by the life and death of Jesus,
love's mighty Spirit, now as then,
can make for us a world of difference,
as faith and hope are born again.
Then let us, with the Spirit's daring,
step from the past and leave behind
our disappointment, guilt, and grieving,
seeking new paths, and sure to find.
Christ is alive, and goes before us
to show and share what love can do.
This is a day of new beginnings;our God is making all things new.

-Brian Wren, 1978

This is hella perfect. It just says it all.

Now I just need to call the violinist and see if she can play this, and if it's ok to move it in the ceremony to before the vows, and let the minister know and print the words in the program...

Sunday, August 06, 2006

Who's retarded now!

Ok people. If you have ever found me funny you must go see Talledaga Nights. The humor redeemed a shitty fucking day yesterday (car fucked up, battery died, working on it in 100 degree heat, late for the movie, poured down rain as we got to the theatre) and redeemed Will Farrell in my eyes for Bewitched. (Josh had forgiven him with Anchorman, but I haven't seen that one yet.) Anyway, we are now having a nacho fountain and a Styx cover band at the wedding.

Portrait of a Bride II coming soon and after Bridezillas tonight i'm sure i'll have a rant about this Milena chick.

Shake and Bake!

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Portrait of a bride Part I

I awoke last Tuesday, the morning of my bridal portriat, at 7:00 and heard rain outside. My immediate thought was that my hair was going to flop. My second thought was that I had hoped to take pictures out side. Fuck.

I had "slept" the night before in pink foam rollers trying to get my hair to take a curl. Of course if you have ever tried to do this, you know it is nearly impossible to sleep in foam rollers. So I was ill rested, wide awake and already mildly freaked.

So I got up and put my bathrobe on. A facial mask and some fuzzy slippers would have completed the ensemble and I would have been perfectly attired to run to Piggly Wiggly for some smokes and a Diet Coke.

While Josh slept I began painting my nails while watching In Search Of on SciFi. Not the old good ones from the '70s narrated by Leonard Nimoy, the new cheesy ones hosted by Mitch Peleggi, or A.D. Skinner on the X-files.

I had bought a french manicure kit since I don't get my nails done, so I spent about 20 minutes making sure the little stickers were on right then painted my tips white. I let them dry, peeled off the stickers and put some pink on. The results? Meh...

I redid four of them because the white had run under the sticker and wasn't clean enough for me. So I redid those and they still didn't look right.

So then I moved on to getting Josh up (about 9:30 now) and unrolling my hair to see if the curl took. It didn't.

And that was when I began to take bets on how long before I needed a Klonopin.

I rewashed my hair and rerolled it in smaller peices. Then it occured to me that I needed a laundry steamer since my gown had been in the bag for the last few months.

My Matron of Honor has a laundry steamer she bought for her wedding and I had planned on borrowing hers, but forgot to call the day before. So the hunt for Linda began.

I called her at home and on her cell phone. No answer. I called back and left a message on each. Thankfully she called me back right away. She and her husband are moving at the end of August and were an hour away looking for a place to live. So I handed the phone to Josh so she could tell him where the steamer was. (No way am I leaving the house looking like I did.) I drew him a picture of the thing and he set off.

Wednesday, August 02, 2006

Quit bitching about your list.

This post is pretty superfluous. Just read the title. But in case you have a few minutes to kill...

One of the things i've noticed on shows like Bridezillas, Whose Wedding is it Anyway, etc. and various other wedding outlets is constant bitching about The List.

"I have list of things to do a mile long!"

"I'll never finish everything on my list!"

"My list just keeps growing!"

You know what? Chicken butt. You and everyone else.

My list is huge and ranges from big tasks like getting passports to little things like buying candy for my bridesmaids gifts. But do I create?

Let's have a reality check here. You're planning a wedding. The typical wedding in the US takes six months to a year to plan and costs an average of $20,000. Of course you're going to have a lot to do. It comes with the territory. Accept it!

And if it is really that overwhelming you have two choices: simplify or delegate.

Do you really need to do place cards for a buffet reception? No, not really. Do you really have to compare prices on bulk Jordan Almonds at ten different websites? No. Pick four or five and roll with it. Must you have the printed cocktail napkins? No. No one remembers those anyway.

And if you can't cut down your list that way, delegate! That's why you have a bridal party.


Let me clear before you leap from you computer to dump 50 pounds of Jordan Almonds, a bolt of tulle and 1000 yards of ribbon on your Maid of Honor's doorstep and speed away into the night.

When you delegate, YOU ASK. NICELY!!!

"Sarah, could you please help me with these favors? I have so much to do, I would really appreciate it."

How hard is that? And be genuine about it. If you really veiw your MOH as a work mule she'll know and be doubly insulted at your cloying.

So be nice, be genuine about your appreciation. And respect the time of your bridal party. They have kids, jobs, hobbies, in other words A Life. And that can't screech to a halt to tie favors for you for the next two months. Set a limit. 25 or 50 each is plenty for anybody unless they have a tulle fetish.

And if you are recently engaged start early. If you are behind start now! Don't underestimate how long some of these things take. The List is really your freind. It will keep you on task to finish things in plenty of time.

But all in all, quit your bitching. Be thankful for what you have. A wonderful fiance, a bridal party of your closest freinds and big special day to celebrate your marriage. In the grand scheme of things is The List really that big a deal?

Monday, July 31, 2006


So Shelayna and Bart's saga wrapped up last night. Before I begin though, I must say one thing. The past two seasons of Bridezillas has sucked. I love the first season. I could watch it over and over again. I love the music, the classy weddings, the fruity announcer. It rocked. But these last two seasons have been awful. Most of the girls are so far from bridezilla territory it's laughable, the music is horrid, and I wish a slow painful death on the announcer. Anyway...

My overall impression of Shelayna (yes that is her name and yes that is how you spell it) was that she needed a Xanax smoothie fast. Why? Well, her fiance Bart has the mind of a five year old. He annoyed the hell out of me. And if I had to hear her say "Bart" in that nagging/whining tone again I was going to have to strangle her.

I know that opposites are supposed to attract and that someone free spirited can help someone too serious lighten up and they can help the other be more grounded, but not in this case. This time they are too opposite and will only suceed in annoying the piss out of each other and everyone around them.

Bart just didn't seem right. He proposed as she got out of the shower? The balancing stuff on his chin? The freeballing in his tux???? Even Josh was grossed out/stupefied by that one. What the fuck? You can't wear underwear on you wedding day? And Josh isn't a stuffed shirt. He wears khakis that have had the bottoms walked off and t-shirts that need to go into the rag pile and even he couldn't believe the freeballing. That boy ai'nt right.

And Shelayna is everything I don't want to be. Late, annoyed at my intended, stressed to the point of tears and yelling. Somebody get her a Klonopin, or a beer or a Tylenol PM. Anything to take the edge off.

However, I can see her being super upset at Bart's brother and his pocket full of beer at the rehearsal. That's ten kinds of wrong. I'm no Puritan, but you don't drink in church. Especially at the altar during a wedding rehearsal!!! Again, those boys ai'nt right.

Over all I don't think Shelayna was a bridezilla. She just needed a tranquilizer and a grown man to marry rather than a child. Here's hoping that most of it was an act for the cameras.

What i've been up to...

  • What i've been doing in the past week since my last post:

    Working on my first Mirabilia pattern
    Working on my bridesmaids gifts
    Trying to keep our house clean
    Neglecting the back yard
    Being attacked by a cricket in the attic as I pulled down the ladder causing me to drop it on myself and wind up with a nasty bruise
    Referring to the bruise as "the Chupacabra bite"
    Kinda liking Paris Hilton's song
    Hating myself for liking Paris Hilton's song
    Celebrating a my birthday with my parents
    Celebrating Josh's new job
    Having my bridal portrait done
    Watching Bridezillas. Sorry, Briiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiidezillas!
    Reading the recaps of Bridezillas
    Planning a series of posts on the Bridezillas
    Making the switch from Effexor to Cymbalta
    Coping with the change in sleep that has come from that change
    Making Josh watch weird, gross and creepy X-Files (Chaco Chicken anyone?)
    Lusting after David Duchovny (Mmmmmmm....)
    Treating Josh's wart, which is huge and speaks German
    Nervously counting the days until the Big Day
    Planning the rehearsal dinner

    And finally,

    Setting the above picture as my wallpaper at work where it makes me laugh everytime

    Post about the BP coming. What a story that was...

Sunday, July 23, 2006

Woo Hoo! We Win!!!

No, not the NC lottery. But after shacking up for almost four years North Carolina just made it legal! You thrush your pelvis, ugh! You thurst your plevis, ugh!

I love it when asinine laws are struck down!

Monday, July 17, 2006

Geeks rule.

As anyone reading this blog knows there is a lot of shit slung about gamers and geeks in general. Too often we are charecterized as paranoid malcontents, weirdos, obsessives, 40 year old virgins and children in adult bodies. Our interests are regarded as foolish, strange, boring, and if your interest is video games, potentially lethal. (Confidential to Jack Thompson: Go fuck yourself.)

But what do they know? Fucktards. And next time anyone wants to give you shit ask them if they heard about the World of Warcraft guild that saved a cancer patient from financial ruin.

Monday, July 10, 2006

That's damn fine tea you have here in Atlantic Beach. Damn good fries too.

The following is a list of unbride-like things I consumed this weekend:

One Bojangles country ham biscuit on the way out of town.
Several Butterfinger flavored Chewy Granola Bars.
Two baskets of hushpuppies and butter.
North Carolina blue crab meat panned in butter.
Stringbeans cooked with country ham.
Sweet tea.
A mint chocolate chip milkshake.
White chocolate macadamia nut cookies.
A Cubbies Cheeseburger with Freedom fries (insert eyeroll here.)
More sweet tea.
Beef Jerky.
8 oz. sirloin cooked meduim well with A-1.
Baked potato.
More fries and sweet tea.
Three slabs of fudge from the Beaufort Fudge Factory (in peanut butter, chocolate and butter pecan).
A 1/3 pound cheeseburger from Finz with, you guessed it, fries and sweet tea.
Many, many pouches of Capri Sun.

It's a good thing my mom is small like me. That way in 8 days when my bridal portrait is done she can hide behind my skirt and hold my bodice closed.

Breakin' the law! Breakin' the law!

As of Saturday my driver's license is expired. Today I am booked solid (not really, but until 5:00 when the DMV closes) so I guess tomorrow I will go to the DMV and wait until my next birthday to renew my license. Until then I plan on driving the exact speed limit, always using my turn signals (which I do anyway) and feigning ignorance if I do get pulled.

But what really irritates me about all this is that in three months I will have to go and have my name changed on my license. So more money to the DMV and another hellish wait.

Now I am the queen of saying that "it's just a thing" and not a big deal. And this isn't really a big deal. But it's a small annoying deal worthy of a Sideshow Bob stepping on multiple rakes grumble.

Who's cravin' Morehead? Apparently I am.

This Saturday I turned the the big 2-5. Now my age can be expressed in quaters of centuries. So to celebrate Josh and I went to the happiest place on earth.

No, not Disneyland/world. Atlantic Beach, NC. And the neighbor towns of Morehead City and Beaufort. Technically we went to Morehead City and visited Atlantic Beach and Beaufort. Why? Well, someone forgot to make hotel reservations in time to stay at our usual hotel. Possibly while high. Cypress Hill i'm looking in your direction.

Anyway, for the next few days I will be posting about all the ways one can geek out/nerd it up at the beach. There are more than you may think.

Thursday, June 29, 2006

Guess who's coming to the wedding!

Well I heard back from one of the videographers the other day. His charge was $600 for the whole event, but was willing to just film the ceremony for $300. That is, after he tried to convince me to film the reception as well with that old chesnut "Some of your guests may not be around much longer".

Now I know this person is here to make a living, but. First off when someone calls you up and specifically asks about fliming just the ceremony their mind is made up. Options have been weighed, pros and cons discussed and they have decided that giving up the keg at the reception is not worth having 100 people eating and doing the chicken dance on tape. So if you could stop bending my arm across my back I would appreciate it. I would also appreciate it if you didn't try to pry more money out of my pocket by reminding me that some of my loved ones may soon be meeting the Eternal Footman.

This is wrong on so many levels. How dare you use such a sad yet inevitible fact to increase business. I am well aware of how short and fucked up life can be. Part of our motivation for our wedding is that after seeing Josh's mother die young from cancer we have adopted a "no day but today" mentality. But that is for us to consider when making decisions and once they are made they should be respected. And can you please not bring up the grim spectre of death while we are discussing my wedding? I think that's just odd.

But I confirmed him to film. All the videographers I spoke with made this same play. I guess they don't get the same kind of business as photographers. A video is sorta extra. Even I considered it as an afterthought.

What surprises and annoys me is the focus on the reception. Granted most of the work is the reception, but the ceremony is the important part and the part I want to be able to relive. I want to see my dad walk me down the ailse. I want to hear the readings and sermon again. I want to watch Josh say his vows to me over and over again. And if one of us is the next to go I want the other to be able to relive the day we pledged our lives to each other if we want. That is way more important than the toasts or the cake cutting or the chicken dance.

Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Again with the ass...

I know it's been a while since my last post but i've been busy here in Greenville building an ark. It will come in handy since it seems that all of the town will be underwater within a day or two.

I've been slacking on the wedding stuff. I've been working on my bridesmaids gifts, but otherwise i've been on a bit of a break. I decided to rev it back up this week. Yesterday I took our engagement photos back and ordered prints for the paper and got a few tenative dates for my bridal portrait. We took my engagement ring in for it's three month cleaning and inspection and looked at wedding bands. We actually went ahead and bought mine. It was on sale and fit perfectly. It's 18k gold with 1/4 of a carat of diamonds channel set in it. It's sparkly and I can't wait to wear it. I tried on the 1/2 carat one but it competed too much with my engagement ring. I'm so excited!

While we were there we submitted for quotes on three different styles of titanium band for Josh. He likes the brushed look and the light weight. Fine with me. I want him to be happy and to wear it. I don't understand guys who won't wear their wedding ring. I know sometimes you have to take it off if you are working on a car or some other place where it's dangerous to have it on, but otherwise put it on!

Anyway. My tasks for today were to call a minister and a videographer. The minister is very nice. He is a retired hospital chaplain and was eager to meet us. I have a good feeling about him.

However, the videographer hunt hasn't turned out so well. Most want $1200 to tape the ceremony! Not the reception, just the ceremony! And one guy tried to strong arm me into taping the reception too! I drew a frowny face next to his name.

So back on the road to weddingville. I'll be the one walking down the road with a camcorder and a tripod trying to thumb a ride while the sad Incredible Hulk music plays.

Saturday, June 17, 2006

Delete me first!

I know it's been a while, but I finally made an email account if any of you would like to email me.

No porn please. Well, nothing weird or illegal...

Thursday, June 08, 2006

In this corner...Feminism! And in this corner...Marriage!

I'm not sure why everyone seems to think that these two are so diametricaly opposed. I could go into a long rant here, but i'll just post a link to an awesome Cary Tennis letter on Salon. As usual you will need to watch a short ad if you don't have Salon Premium, but this letter is worth it.

Sunday, June 04, 2006

It's just like the Random Acts of Geekiness, what with the killing and all.

The other day I went to the post office in need of stamps. I don't like to buy the plain flag stamps or whatever boring design is the standard at the time. If i'm having to mail off my hard earned money to the trash people I should at least like the stamps I stick on the things. So I bought some of the newest stamps. I was overjoyed for this design. Finally someone whose work I really admire was getting some recognition.

When I got home I pulled then out for Josh and gleefully exclaimed:

"I have Katharine Ann Porter stamps!"

He gave me a funny look.

"Oh yeah, you never read Pale Horse, Pale Rider. You ought to. It's good stream of consciousness. "

We then had a discussion of the pros and cons of stream of consciousness. But yes, I have Katherine Ann Porter stamps, and they rock.

Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Dear World:

Thank you for your prompt solution to my shoe delimma. While these shoes are more than I had planned to pay, They are basic pumps with a rounded toe, not too skinny heel, and we all know I have a weakness for Nine West. Good show. Now, can you do something about this ridiculous skort thing? I bought what I thought was two nice skirts this weekend, only to find they had shorts inside them. Seriously. Either wear shorts or a skirt. Accept that sometimes you have to wear a skirt, and for those occastions learn to keep your legs together.



Thursday, May 25, 2006

Cinderella didn't have this problem.

Dear World,

Why is it so hard to find a plain white satin or crepe slip on pump with a rounded toe and heels that are thick enough to be stable? I mean really. I've been on more websites than I can count and all I can find are skinny heeled shoes or shoes with pointy toes. Do you want me to fall on my ass at the reception? Do you want me to have achy toes from being squished up in a pointy toed shoe? I didn't think so. So get on that. Now!



Monday, May 22, 2006

Pluggy pluggy!

I don't normally shill for things unless I really beleive in them. And i'm not a big movie person, so if i'm recomending a movie you know it must be good. And so I heartily recomend Grandma's Boy.

This movie is, as Josh's friend Clay said, "Like Up in Smoke for gamers." True dat.

I laughed my ass off watching this last night while stuffing invitations. If you like dick and fart jokes, gags involving stoners and pot, and can laugh at gaming stereotypes this movie is for you.

And for those of you who have already seen it, two words: robot voice!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Gee, thanks!

Really, I don't hate Amazon. I really love Amazon. Almost anything I want, discounted and shipped right to my door. I have even grown to love Amazon Prime with the free two day shipping eventhough I think $70 a year is a little much and I only have it because I forgot to cancel it. I've bought some used books from outside sellers through them for 50 cents and then paid $6 to ship, but still a great bargain.

However, never look at the items they recommend for you. You will end up so freaking depressed, like I am now. I go through and see dozens of books I would love to read, TV series I would love to watch, books with hundreds of cross-stitch patterns I would love to do. But there isn't enough time. There will never be enough time. Unless you're Mr. Bemis, but even he broke his glasses. Life is way too fucking short.

I'm alone! I'm an insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Marriage or a PS3?

Slate makes an interesting case for the latter. I wonder which Josh would rather have?

The China Syndrome

Get it? It was a movie, and it's a post about the problems with my china pattern! Eh?

Fine. It's not that clever. But it's 12:47 in the morning, and not only have I cleaned up the house today, cut the back lawn and gone to work but I was up at the ass-crack of dawn when the douchebag across the street had his lawn service come cut his grass at SIX MUTHAFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING!!!! I am so egging his house next Halloween. Asshole. We've lived across from him for two years and the dick has never even waved at us. Fume.

Anyway, my point is I can only be so clever.

Especially when I am being consistently dicked around over my china pattern.

I have always wanted china. In the same way I always dreamt of a big formal wedding and a house in the 'burbs (I know i'm bourgeois, I don't care.) I always wanted china. Elegant grown up ladies had china. Special dishes of exquisite patterns taken out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversaries, or dinner parties. They stored them away for these occasions, and when the Eternal Footman had taken these ladies to the big bridge game in the sky, their china was a treasure given to children and grand children.

I'm sure i'm romanticizing it quite a bit, I did grow up watching Donna Reed reruns, but who can help it in today's society? People go through their cell phones like dental floss. I see people leaving the grocery store with disposable plates and cups all the time. They can't all be having a party or a picnic. I have a running joke with Josh that when Jesus comes back he'll find he's standing on a pile of styrofoam. I am reminded of the episode of The Simpsons where Bart takes Santa's Little Helper to obedience school. When Bart tries to convince the teacher to pass him even though he's terrible she says "Perhaps I cling to the old ways, as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered. BUT MY TIME HAS NOT PASSED YET!" Yeah, that's me.

So with that mindset I began to look at china patterns right after we got engaged. I wanted something that was not too old fashioned, but not so modern that it would seem gimmicky in 20 years. I wanted it to work with various decor, but not be too plain.

I spent hours online zooming into pictures, scrutinizing patterns, colors, and even the china itself. I dismissed many as too old fashioned. Some were too busy. There were a few that I liked, but the color was blah. I didn't give anything with just a band a second look. This is my china for goodness sakes! Knock it up a notch! And there were about three patterns I considered long and hard, but they all had the same fatal flaw: raised dots. All of them had these weird raised beads of china around the rim. No. This is not a motif i've seen before so it will undoubtedly go out of style at some point. I learned my lesson from the myriad of avocado green and harvest gold appliances and dishware at the Goodwill.

And then one day on the Bed Bath and Beyond site I found it. Royal Doulton "Litchfield". The colors are complex, but not too dark. The detail in the shading sets off the stylized petals and leaves. The dinner plate and saucer are simple, the border almost neoclassic. But then, the salad plate smacks you upside the head with it's bold art deco flowers. But it's not overdone. And finally the dessert plate and teacup take these elements and join them together like a beer and a coconut. I'm in lurv with this pattern. I <3 it. And yet...

No one carries it. NO ONE FREAKING CARRIES IT!!!! I called Bed Bath and Beyond today because it was on the website, but I couldn't add it to my cart or registry. They said it isn't available. So I looked at every website of every store I could think of in my area and in my family's area that would have a registry. Kohl's, Sears, Belk, JC Penny, Hechts, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Linens n Things (where we have our main registry), Nordstom. None of them carry it.

And I looked at the other patterns. None even came close. This pattern was dreamed up by Evil Brandi From the Parallel Universe Who Happens to Work at Royal Doulton to tease me. At this point my best bet is to register either with Amazon or Royal Doulton themselves. Don't think I won't do it!

But for now it's off to bed to dream of dinner parties with my perfect china and the ladies from the neighborhood. Where i'll have a poofy skirt and pearls and high heels to hang around the house in. And when they're gone i'll mop the floor in the pearls and the heels, and maybe take a few valium. Mmmmm, valium....

And Josh can make special appearance as my shy, nerdy milkman who needs the love of a good woman to

Wait, am I still typing? Crap! I am!

Well, off for a night of warm milk and Bible study... Mmmm, warm milk. Man.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What's in a name?

After toying around with a few alternatives i've made my decision. As of October 21st I will become Mrs. Brandi Hasty. How permanent is this decision? After all, i've been flopping back and forth between china patterns for weeks now and i'm still not sure if i'm going to wear the gloves I bought for my dress. Well, in August I will allegedly be moving from my current office to my new office in a recently remodeled building on campus. Two weeks ago we donned hardhats and met with the architect to see our new digs among the ongoing construction. At the end of the tour he handed my boss a form to fill out for our sinage. So what would be by my new door?

I had pretty much always planned on changing my name. The hyphenation thing was just akward, and I have known so many awesome women like my mom who changed their name. Even my shero, my boss' wife changed her name. So why not me? It just feels right. I get giddy now when I use my debit card, knowing that it will be new and shiny in a few months. When I ordered the monogrammed tote bags for my bridesmaids gifts I ordered one for me too, with my married initials. I picture myself carrying it aboard our cruise ship for our honeymoon, the latest in a long line of Mrs. Hastys.

What it boils down to for me, and for the author of this article, is that if taking my husbands name is a crucial blow to feminism then we really haven't come as far as we think we have. There are so many other things to worry about and fight for. For heavens sake there is a law going through congress right now to give insurance companies the right to not have to cover mamograms or birth control pills! How fucked up is that? And someone's going to get all pissy over what's on my driver's license? Fuck that shit. Feminism was and still is about choice. And i'm choosing a new name. If you don't want to, fine. More power to you. Just don't get all up in my business when i'm in front of you at the DMV with my marriage license and a goofy grin.

(Note: you may need to watch a breif ad to read the article if you don't subscribe to Salon.)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Move it along, nothing to see here!

Things are coming along a very nice pace. I finished the favors without gaining fifty pounds. Our cake server set and fruity pen arrived Monday night. I've finally decided on an invitation. I just ordered a few things for my bridesmaids gifts which are going to be pretty cool in my opinion. And today is the day of our engagement photo. And did I mention I bought my garters? One pretty one to keep, one cheap blue one to toss. I have been a regular wedding planning moe-sheen! I wonder what i'll do to keep occupied over the next five months....

Monday, May 01, 2006

It was the best of favors, it was the blurst of favors.

So I finally settled on a favor. Or rather a container for favors to go in. I liked these a lot. They were pretty cheap, sturdy, and every other tote style bag or box had a heart shaped handle, like, wow, that is pretty treacly. So I ordered them, they came in and began to stuff them with Werthers Original. The problem is that to do this I have to have massive quantities of Werthers Original in the house. And, well, i've sorta been inhaling them. Think Homer with the alcohol fueled car. "One for you, one for me..." I'm almost done though. I think one more run to Food Lion to clean them out will do it. Then the accursed favors will be boxed up, taped up and put in the bottom of the closet for the next five months where I won't be tempted by their buttery goodness.

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Tuxes, tails and brain eating snails.

Josh's tux appointment is today at 3:00. I'm not really looking forward to this. First of all, I really, really need a nap. Secondly, the people in the store were not quite as nice to me when I called to make an appointment at the people at David's were with me. Despite that i'm sure it will all go fine. We, well I, know what we want for the wedding. Classic black tux, no tails, single breasted with three buttons. Vest rather than cummerbund and a bow tie. Josh has asked me to come along since to him I just slipped into Charlie Brown's teacher mode. Also he gets a free tux rental since I bought my gown at David's, and I may need to be there to get that.

What i'm really dreading is leaving the tux shop and heading down to Fantastic Sam's to get my haircut. I've been putting this off for a while, but with our engagement portrait next week I just can't delay any longer. I'm a wash and wear girl so anything more tedious than brushing my hair is a pain in the ass for me. But I know it's for the best so i'm going to just fucking suck it up and do it today. And then take a nap on the couch when I get home.

And as a little aside, happy Administrative Professionals Day to all you Administrative Professionals, Office Managers, Office Assistants, Regular Assistants and Secretaries out there. We are the Mom's Freindly Robot Oil that keeps the robot of business going in this country. So if your boss or co workers don't do anything special for you today treat yourself to a Krispy Kreme and a Starbucks. Or some ColdStone. Or a smooth refreshing martini. Or a nap under your desk Costanza syle. You deserve it. And tomorrow get revenge on them by "misplacing" their stuff. Just remember to blame the guy who doesn't speak english. Oh Tibor. How many times have you saved my ass...

Sunday, April 23, 2006

Well, desserts aren't always right...

We just returned from eating at our favorite Chinese restaraunt. It reminded me that I forgot to post something strange.

We ate there a few days after getting engaged. Most of dinner I spent admiring my new ring sparkling in the low light. The rest of the time I was fretting over giving up control of the cake. I seriously thought about how I could pull it off. Then the waitress brought us our check and two fortune cookies.

I opened mine up expecting the ususal lame saying instead of an actual fortune. It said:

"A beautiful cake awaits you."

I started laughing my ass off. I handed it to Josh who gave me a look like the sky itself had opened up and this piece of paper had floated down.

I still have the fortune which will be put either in a memory box or a scrapbook. But whenever we go back I always look in their coat room at the boxes of fourtune cookies and wonder if there's a box marked "Bake it yourself" next to one that says "Stick with your wife".

Friday, April 21, 2006

I still have some issues with your Random Acts of Geekiness.

Time: 2:00 am.
Location: Master bedroom.
Cats: kicked out.
TV: tuned to the replay of Adult Swim.
Humans: Snuggled down into bed.
Activity: Pillow talk.

We join the converstion in progress:

Brandi: Given my family history i'm way more worried about heart disease than cancer. It's the number one killer of women in this country.

Josh: Wow. Our kids are screwed.

B: Everyone's kids are screwed. Pull any random person out of line at Food Lion and ask them. They have all sorts of fucked up diseases in their family.

J: That's true. I think we'll cure cancer at some point.

B: I don't think we'll cure it per say, but I think that we'll be able to vaccinate against it.

J: But how do you vaccinate against something that may already be in our genetic code, but may or may not be activated by enviroment?

B: I don't mean a vaccine like that. I mean a vaccine that will make our bodies recognize abnormally dividing cells and destroy them, rather than letting them grow unfettered.

J: See I think nano-bots will do that in the future.

B: I don't know. I think nano-bots will be clearing out arteries, putting in stints, taking bioposy samples, stuff like that. I don't think they'll ever get down to the cellular level size wise. I just don't see how we could build something that small and include the intelligence to know cancer from healthy cells.

J: They've done some cool stuff.

B: Where are the studies? Why haven't I heard about it?

J: I don't know man, i've heard about this stuff.

B: Well, next time show me. I'm curious. But I still don't think that nano-bots will be blasting away cancer.

J: Not in our lifetime. But our kids will see that.

B: Ok, fine. If we look down from Heaven one day and see nano-bots I owe you a Coke. Or Pepsi, i'm sure there's an exclusive contract or something in the works.

J: I'd rather have a Pepsi. Well, I can drink either.

B: I prefer Coke. It's not as cloyingly sweet...

Link! No, not the kid from Zelda.

Here are a few links I find quite enjoyable.

A Little Pregnant is an awesome blog taking you through one woman's experience with infertility. It's funny and avoids a lot of the Angel Baby crap you usually encounter with this type of topic. Read the archives. It's worth it.

Veiled Conceit. New York Times Wedding Announcements + Snark = Need I say more?

Homestar Runner. Flash animation. Goofy charecters. Old video game references. They have it all.

Go Fug Yourself. These people hate Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton as much as I do. I didn't think that was possible.

Outpost Nine: I am a Japanese School Teacher. Ever wonder what it would be like to teach middle schoolers in Japan? Well, scratch your head no longer.

Finally, Television Without Pity. If you are a TV geek like myself this site is like coming home to freshly baked cookies and cold milk. And then adding some Kahluha to that milk, because, well, why the hell not?

Oh, you were expecting lots of wedding sites. Hmmm. I have a post about that coming. Until then check these out and be happy that I have not become the wedding.

Thursday, April 20, 2006

I still know about your Random Acts of Geekiness.

Before I begin this post I would like to state that I have nothing but the utmost respect for law enforcement officers of all kinds. I appreciate the sacrafices they make to keep us safe and pray for their safety in the line of duty.

That being said.

Like any good geeks Josh and I have quite a few inside jokes, allusions and ongoing gags with each other. One of these is that when we see a police car with the siren on, we joke that the hot light must be on at Krispy Kreme. (If you are an unfortunate soul who doesn't live near a Krispy Kreme, the hot light is a neon light they turn on when you can get your Orignal Glazed doughnuts hot and fresh. This is when they are at their best. Warm little melt-in-your-mouth innertubes of love. Mmmmmm...doughnuts...)

Anyway. I couldn't sleep last night, so I woke up dead tired. I knew what I needed. A sugar and caffeine infusion. So on my way to work I pulled into the Krispy Kreme with my big refillable coffee mug. I looked up and the hot light was on. Just as my mouth began to water, I noticed that one car in front of me was a police cruiser.

What did I do? Well I pulled out my cell phone and called Josh. He was asleep since he had the day off today. But I woke him up to share that I had seen a police car at Krispy Kreme with the hot light on. We got a good laugh. Nothing like inside jokes to keep the bond strong.

Wednesday, April 19, 2006

I don't believe in Peter Pan, Frankenstein or Superman.

I also don't beleive in bridezillas.

Shocking I know. There was even a TV show called bridezillas. If it's on TV then it must be true. Right?

No. Most of those women were not bridezillas. A few of them were uptight bitches, but mostly they were just dropping a shit load of money for a wedding and wanted the shit right. I can relate. I think it was definately skewed toward making them seem worse than they were. And I think it's pretty fucked up for WE, Women's Entertainment for goodness sakes, to consistantly portray women in such a shitty light. But that's another post for another time. And most likely another blog. Anyway...

A bridezilla is a woman who goes nuts and becomes bitchy, pushy, mean, controlling and unpleaseable while planning her wedding. We all know one, or know someone that does. So how can they not exist? The key is in while planning her wedding. Therein lies my thesis.

I think that if you act this way while planning your wedding then you act this way while ordering a combo at Wendy's. And guess what: It's unacceptable either time. I call bullshit on every excuse given for this behavior.

"I'm just demanding." Sorry. Demanding is rude. You can politely and professionally explain exactly what you want and do not want with out demanding anything.

"I'm a perfectionist." Meet my good friend Paxil. Nothing on this earth is perfect. Nothing. Not even your flawless, colorless diamond. At the very least it's overpriced, and it's also probablly small. Your cake, flowers, gown, hair, day will not be perfect. Accept it or get therapy.

"I'm a control freak." See above. Unless you can do everything from baking your cake, to engraving your invitations, to making your gown, and being everywhere at once on your wedding day, you will have to trust others. And no, calling and checking on something 20 times will not up the chances of it being right. Meet my other good friend, Klonopin.

"I'm paying good money for this." You and everyone else. I'm paying $500 for my flowers. If the other bride he's doing that day is paying $200 does that make me more important? No. Does it give me the right to be more pushy or rude to my florist? No. It means I have chosen more expensive flowers. The end.

"I won't be walked all over." Neither will I. I will carefully read my contracts before signing them and ask questions. I will keep organized records. I will firmly but professionally call attention to things that are wrong. We'll talk about it like adults and reach a decision or compromise. Because that's what grown-ups do.

"It's wrong!" Can you do anything about it now? If yes, see above. If no, I believe you've met Klonopin. Seriously. Is your cake dusted with D-Con instead of pink rose petals? No? The petals are light purple instead of pink? Well, set up the guillotine! Seriously. As long as the mistakes aren't going to make you or your guests sick or in danger, deal. Now, that's not to say that you can't discuss this with your vendor Monday morning, or at an appropriate time and place that day, but pitching a fit 15 minutes before you walk down the aisle is all sorts of wrong. Put it out of your head long enough to marry your fiance. Remember him? Remember the big religious, legal, and social ceremony you are about to take part in? The whole point of this day? Concentrate on that for half an hour. Then determine what if anything can be done. If nothing, well, hit the bar and have a good time.

"I just want it right." Me too. It's a lot of work and a lot of money. There are a lot of people who will witness the fruits of your labor. But you can make sure it's right without being rude. And it can be wrong without having a stroke.

Bridezillas are a figment of our imagination. We give this behavior a name so we don't have to call it by it's other uglier names. Rudeness, selfishness, rigidity, plain old bitchiness. We don't want to say these things to our freinds, our family members or even our fiances. But what we forget is that they were like this before the wedding, and they're going to be like this after the wedding, so maybe we need to seize the day and bitchslap them back into reality. Not just for the vendors who were unfortunate enough to land their business, but for all of us. All of their friends, realtives, co-workers, neighbors, and yes, even us other brides.

Because of them when someone notices a ring on your finger or answers a phone call about a wedding the defenses go up. And sometimes there is no getting those defenses down. They are waiting for you to throw your Martha Stewart Weddings on the table and begin sobbing. That's no way to do business.

As the great Tori Amos once sang "I believe in peace. I believe in peace, bitch." I do believe in peace. I don't believe in bridezillas. Unfortunately I am forced to believe in rude, pushy, mean, inflexible people who happen to be brides and are giving the rest of us a bad name.

Tuesday, April 18, 2006


Well the florist called today. His estimate is ready. I'm honestly a little afraid. The cost of photography nearly made me plotz, and I know that flowers are always pricey. I'm heading over there tomorrow to go over it with him. If it's not too much then I'll go with this guy. I like him.

I've begun shopping around for my bridesmaids gifts. I want to get them something cool. Right now i'm leaning toward a bunch of little neat things and one sorta big thing. I'm steering clear of the monogrammed pocket mirror, strand of pearls thing. Not that there's anything wrong with that, it's just not going to work for all my girls and I don't want this gift to wind up in a drawer.

I think I may have finally chosen an invitation. It's a little fancy, but not over the top or tacky. I want to order those soon so I can have plenty of time to address them. And i'm not sure how long it will take to have them printed up.

I bought a guest book. I had seen a few that I liked in the catalogs and on the internets, but most of them were way tacky with ribbons and silk flowers and crap on them. Even the simple ones were still about $30 or more. And they all held something like 800 signatures. 800! Josh and I are scraping the obligation barrel to use all of our 100 Save the Dates. I found a small (6x6) journal in the $1 bin at Michael's with a purple hydrangea on it. Poof. Our guest book. It's going to be used for one day and then put in a box for the next 20 years. A dollar will do me.

Speaking of the guest book, there's the guest pen. All the cheap options are tacky. I guess I could just put out a Dr. Grip and call it a day, but that doesn't feel right. I really like the ones i've seen that have a metal base that can be engraved. My logic on this is that once the wedding is over I can have the pen on my desk here or at work or by the phone, you know, keep using it. It probably would be on my desk here at home. I think that would be cool. And worth the $30 if I could refill it.

I would also like to have a memory box for some things. My plan for this is to take three round baskets with lids, paint them white glue them together and decorate them to look like a cake. I know some would find this tacky, but i'm a cake person so I would love it.

I found some of our decorations on sale. Michael's had silk flower chains for $5 instead of the usual $10. I bought four white and green hydrangea chains to wrap around the stair rails at the front of the church. I would also like to use some purple ones, but they didn't have those. I want to check New River Pottery, but they are all the way out near Lowes and I just don't have the energy most days.

I guess that's all for now. I need to go to bed, but I haven't even played Animal Crossing today. I would probably do better to spend what little energy I have left neatening up my office so the cats don't destroy anything important. We'll see how that goes...

Sunday, April 16, 2006

Random Acts of Geekiness Part Two: Electric Boogaloo

I'm not sure if i've mentioned it before, but Josh is currently working at the game store. In this position he gets access to some cool shit. Swag they are throwing out, pre-ordering things as soon as they get a SKU, rare things that have been traded in, and pre-owned movies that we either can't afford or don't want to pay $20 for. (Hello Grizzlyman. Awesome flick, but Best Buy wants $22 for the DVD. Yikes! If only he could have found The Notebook before I went and paid $15 for it.) Anyway, the job has it's little perks.

Saturday they were cleaning out the back in preparation for the District Manager's visit in the next week or so. There Josh found one of the coolest things he's ever given me. Up there with the Pink Kitchenaid, the pink SP from Japan, and of course, my fabulous engagement ring.

The Mr. Sparkle t-shirt.

I kept meaning to buy this thing but I never got around to it. Alas dear Mr. Sparkle vanished from the store and seemed never to return. And now he shows up one Saturday afternoon in my size, and on clearance for $1.99. I nearly plotzed when he showed it to me.

I'm wearing it now and it is awesome. Good ole fishbulb. I can't wait until next Friday. Then I get to wear him to work!

Friday, April 14, 2006

Cake Wars: A New Hope

Ah, the cake.

I took a lot of pleasure in checking that off on my Wedding Workbook I tore out of my Martha Stewart Weddings.

I was toying around with the idea of doing my own cake. Wilton makes a cake stand that I have seen used with some very nice cakes that doesn't require dowels or pillars. But then I still have to bake and ice the thing and transport and set it up. Don't need the stress. Even Josh was talking me out of it. So I decided to sub it out.

I never made it to the cake tasting at the woman's house. The first day I was to go I feel asleep and missed the appointment. Then when I rescheduled she had to re-reschedule because she forgot that she was taking her grandchild to have pictures made. So Wednesday the following week it was.

Then the next Monday (before that Wednesday) we went to a place here in Greenville. I had checked out the website before and wasn't nuts about some of the work. But this person was the only baker on my vendor list that had a professional kitchen. That goes a long way with me. So we went to our tasting. She gave us a big hunk of warm yellow cake, dollops of buttercream, whipped and cream cheese icings, and samples of her most popular fillings: bavarian cream, rasberry, lemon, chocolate, and caramel. It was soooooo fucking good. Better than I could have dreamed. She showed us some more recent pictures and I was impressed. The work was better, very good in fact. The clincher was that she offered a 10% discount if we paid in full that day. Josh pulled out the credit card and we were on our way. One big thing taken care of.

However, I forgot to call and cancel my tasting with the other person. So Wednesday I set out. She gave me what I thought were very simple directions. Get on 264 alternate, look for Ballard's Crossroads Grill, turn right look for sign. I followed 264 alternate all the way out to the hospital. I turned around and followed it back. Of course this was the day I had left my cell phone at home. I was hot, I had a headache and was now fighting 4:30 traffic. "Fuck it" I said and went home. I am reminded of one of the great lines in Pulp Fiction "Move outta the sticks fellas." She hasn't called and I haven't called her. This was way to fucked up to be anything but trouble. If I call I have to reschedule or tell her I already have a cake, and I just don't feel like it.

So now our only drawback is that i'm craving cake from our cake person! I keep thinking about it, warm, covered in buttercream, filled with cream cheese frosting. Mmmmmm.....

Well, my birthday is coming up in July....

Thursday, April 13, 2006

Since you're trying to make a getaway in park i'm going to assume that you don't have your chauffer's license.

See. Another Simpson's quote.

Now that we have both a ceremony and reception site I now have new issues to ponder. Did I say ponder? I meant obsess. Sorry.

The most pressing issue right now is transportation and dressing areas. The church is right down the road from our house so I could follow tradition and dress here with my mom and my girls. But I have four cats. One is obsessively on the hunt for affection and toes, the two girls are surly and growl at everything, and the fourth, my little jellybean Wally, inherited his mommy's anxiety problem and runs under the bed at the sound of footsteps on the porch. So i'm thinking that these cats and formalwear would not be a good combination. In addition to that, if I was seriously going to have several family members milling about for the day I would go into hostess mode. Hostess mode means cleaning frantically the night before, constant sensory alertness for fresh litter box deposits, freshening drinks, etc. Talk about needing a Klonopin.

That leaves us with a hotel room for the night. Awesome. Let the maid deal with my mess. A room would be more spacious anyway. Our house is nice, but it's not huge. It's also covered in cat hair. I already have some on my dress. So a hotel it most likely is. That's fine. Hotels are fun. But how to get to the church and reception?

Josh and the guys can easily drive themselves. I on the other hand learned the hardway that it is very difficult to drive, nay fit, into a regular car in a poofy dress. (I drove myself to my senior prom. It was the only drawback to going stag.) So I need a big car and someone to schlep my ass 20 minutes down the road. Then we can drive ourselves to the reception site and the hotel.

Obvious solution: Rent a limo.

Not so obvious problem: I hate limos.

Seriously. Not my style. Not Josh's style. Limo's are on the list of things banned from the wedding, right between the Electric Slide and tulle.

So I start calling around looking for a classic car. I called one person who only has a Rolls Royce. That's cool. What's not cool? The $125 per hour rate. So I call another company. They have a 1963 Plymouth. (I think. He called me back while I was loading the dishwasher so I didn't bother with details.) Total for his services for the day? About $900. I nearly plotzed.

You see, they want to be hired from the time they pick you up to the time they drop you off at the hotel. In our case that is about 5 hours of nothing while we are at the ceremony and doing pictures, and at the reception. And I know these people are making their living this way, but Norman-Tap-Dancing-Schwartkopf!

No i've decided no way. I may call a few other people and see if they will allow me to book them from picking me up to dropping us off at the reception, and then for an hour to take us to the hotel. They probably won't, but as my mother always said, it doesn't hurt to ask. It also doesn't hurt to have a Plan B.

Plan B is for us to call Enterprise and rent a bad ass Lincoln Towncar, get the extra insurance in case the groomsmen fuck it up bad, and drive ourselves. I guess I would have to have the car to take me and my big honking dress, but my mom has driven big cars before so I think i'm good there.

This is part of the planning that drives me to scratch. The tiny little details that can make everyone late and screw us up and piss us off. The devil is truely in the details. But it will work itself out. Hopefully there will be enough people around to point out any holes in my plans and make sure they are taken care of. If not, it could be worse. Homer could be driving us and wanting to do the 2000 year old man bit.

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Seeing how this goes.

Ok. Here are church pictures. They are mostly self explanatory. If this post looks crunked in the end, I apologize.

Oh you'll see a picture of the church someday. But I specialize in the blog posts where you get jerked around.

Now let us all pause and remember what an awesome episode "Lisa's Wedding" was. (Season 6, Episode 19) I always told Josh that his elaborate proposal plan would fail and plan B would be a cow with a Marry Me sign on it. I still look at the cats and say "Here Esquilax". After particularly nasty work I ask Josh to be a dear and draw a bath. And who could forget the terror of The Happy Squirrel.

Ah. I think i'll go home and watch The Simpsons.

I'm going to try and put up pictures of the church again today. There may be no text, but I will do my best to get them up. Unless i'm deeply entranced in season six. That was a great season.

We both love the Rolling Stones, not for their music, but for their tireless efforts to preserve historic buildings.

Wow. I need a counter on here for Simpsons references.

It's late and i'm tired, but not quite ready for bed. Which sucks, because normally I like to be lulled to sleep by Adult Swim. That ususally works out well, unless I wake up during some weird-ass, scary anime program. I know, I know. They are going to revoke my geek's license for not being into anime. Thankfully I have reached a pretty bad ass life on Animal Crossing and can quote The Simpsons with enough proficiency to keep the Metal Ones for coming for me just yet.

Anyway, what I hopped on here to do was to post a few pictures of our church. The ones inside may not be the best, my flash wasn't working, but they are pretty good.

I'm thrilled about this place. I can't imagine us getting married anywhere else. So support your local historic society. They aren't all a bunch of kooks. Many of them are very nice people who have a real love for history and a passion for preserving the past. And that's way cooler than another shopping center, or subdivision. At least you can get married in a historic building.

But this stupid thing doesn't want to co-operate. So i'll try again tomorrow. I'm tired enough now to go to bed, and since it's anime time now i'll be doing it to a Family Guy DVD.

Just remember. If the building inspector comes by, this isn't a blog, it's a window box.

Monday, April 10, 2006

Told 'ya.

As you have certainly surmised from our most recent entry, Josh and I are shacking up. If you can call 2 years into a 30 year mortgage shacking up.

When we first moved in together it was mainly for financial reasons. The person who had introduced us, my roommate, had shown herself to be the Hydra that she is and moved out to her own place after two months leaving me financially screwed. We're talking couldn't afford Wal-mart lightbulbs screwed. We were spending alternate weeks at each other's places anyway so we decided that it was silly to keep paying rent on two places.

But even in the cold hard light of facts, that two could live cheaper than one, Josh and I were very much in love with each other at that point, and I had a good feeling that we would get married some day. So after a mere six months we merged. Then after a year and half, when our apartment complex went from college-student-inhabited-rundown to just plain ghetto, we took the dive from Apartment Depot to Home Depot.

Through it all we have put each other first and relied on our love to get us through. That was what inspired lone wolf Josh to sacrafice his bachelor pad after a mere year of living on his own. That is what made me repeat ad nauseum "If you don't want to sell your stock to make the down payment don't. It's your decision and I don't want you to regret it."

Where am I going with all this? There are a lot of people who point to statistics to show that living together doesn't work. I've always been more irritated by these "facts" than scared by them. But today's Wayne and Tamara dealt with a young woman who was scared by these numbers. I like their response. I like Wayne and Tamara. They have a way of cutting through the bullshit. Which is what I think these numbers are. It makes me sad to think that these oft quoted studies may scare someone away from what I maintain is a much greater learning experience than dating ever could be.

Recently we were visiting Josh's dad who has been recently widowed after nearly 30 years of marriage. (This visit was prior to our engagement.) We were discussing our tight financial situation, how Josh hates his current job, how i'm without health insurance. I, the eternal optimist, depression and anxiety not withstanding, reassured Josh that it would all work out, that we would take care of each other and our families would help if we needed it. His dad then said what I think sums up our relationship: "You two are going to be fine, because you are working as a team, for the good of the other."

That's why living together has worked for us. And with that mindset it can work for others. So stick that in your conservative numbers pipe and smoke it!

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Sawdust and Planks...

I have a small confession to make. As I posted my anger about the uppity, rude, fucktard minister the other night, I was hot on the trail of a possible ceremony site. I didn't want to mention anything because if you haven't already noticed, I am pretty superstitious. I don't carry a rabbit's foot or anything, but I don't like to tempt fate. And I was afraid that by mentioning this place we would be tempting fate.

But I feel more comfortable now. Wednesday I was driving home from work and passed by a church on the corner that I pass everyday. It's sorta small, white, two front doors, no steeple with a very old cemetary. I have always loved this church. I had never noticed a congregration there. The sign out front said it was owned and maintained by the Pitt County Historic Society.

"I wonder if we could get married there?" I thought. Hmm. I got home and decided to postpone my lunch of Ramen noodles for a few minutes.

Finding no listing in the phone book for the Historic Society, I called the Planning and Urban Development Department which was in charge of the department of Historic Preservation. A vary nice lady there gave me the number of the Humber House which houses the historic society for Eastern North Carolina. A very nice gentleman there gave me the number of two people he worked with frequently regarding documents. I called the first person on the list. She knew exactly who I needed to speak with. She gave me his number. The church was availible on the 21st and he was availible the next day to meet me to show me around. Awesome.

We met the next day. When I walked in the building the first thing I noticed was the smell. The smell of old books and rich wood. I love that smell. Sort of like a library. I wanted to breathe it in, like I could absorb it's history through my lungs.

The building was a bit small, but it can hold the number of guests we are expecting. The pews are the original plank pews from the first building in 1759. The current building has been there since 1893. The floors are wood, the altar is a simple platform a few inches off the ground. The walls are tongue in groove painted white. The light fixtures are a few ceiling fans. At the front of the room in front of the altar is the original cast iron fireplace. The windows are simple pane windows covered by blinds. We can open or raise them as we see fit. The pews can be slid to one side to create one ailse for me and my dad.

It is a simple country church. It's peaceful. There is nothing to distract one from the ceremony taking place. There is no organ or piano, but there is a place for my CD player to play our music. It's a place where you can really feel close to God. It's perfect for a couple of history geeks like Josh and I. Now that i've seen it I can't imagine getting married anywhere else.

Tomorrow I will write a check and send it in with a signed contract. And I will check another thing off my list. One fewer thing to worry about. And I was worried. I did not want to get married at our reception site. And Greenville is sorely lacking in any alternative wedding venues. There are not many museums, no gardens, and no where on the ECU campus to wed. I was sorta freaking out.

But the Lord was looking out for us. Funny how one day a light went off in my head to remind me of this place I pass every day. And it all fell into place so easily. And for once i'm not worried about or questioning my decision. Awesome.

As for the other preacher who was so rude and judgey, well, my mother summed it up in her comments on that post:

Can you say "fucktard?" There, I knew you could.I swear, I'm so sick of
stupid people. They're everywhere! Don't let this man get to you, sweetie. It'll
all work out. Shame on him anyway! Who is he to judge?He should read Matthew 7:3
NIV"Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no
attention to the plank in your own eye?"

Word! She also wants to call him and tell him what a fucktard he is. Sounds like a plan to me!

Ahhhh...Feels like my own computer....

That's right folks. My own computer complete with acess to the intertron. For the most part this blog has been done on my off time at work and at Josh's computer. But with the recent demise of Josh's podcast the spare computer goes to me. Hoo-ray! I did have to buy a new monitor though. My desk is a drafting table left over from my former life as an interior design student and would not hold the wieght of a regular monitor. So a 17" LCD it is. (In case you're interested Newegg has mad deals on these things.) So check back tomorrow when I will post again about recent developments, maybe with pictures! Oh, who am I kidding. Of course there will be pictures!

Friday, April 07, 2006

I'm ever so pissed!

I know you are shocked, SHOCKED, to see me posting at this late hour, but once again I can't sleep. So since Josh's computer is on i'm hoping to blog myself to sleep.

So what's pissing me off now? Glad you asked.

I have been a Christian almost all of my life. Seriously, i've been down with Jesus since I was like four. At that time my family attended church. We stopped going after the pastor got all up in my mom's grill about how she needed to be there more often and basically tried to tell her how to live her life. My mom doesn't do that shit. So we left that church, but continued to live our lives with God as a big part of them. We were raised to pray, to trust the Lord to care for us and see us through hard times, and revere his infinate power.

When I got into high school my mom and sister began going to church with my aunt and after a while my dad and I went too. We went to this church for about three or four years. I went to college, but when I was home for weekends I went to church with my family. Then our pastor, Delores, was transferred to another church. Before she left I went home one weekend and was offically sprinkled into the Methodist church.

The following week we met our new pastor. First impression: didn't like him. He wasn't warm and freindly like Delores was. She nearly glowed with the Holy Spirit. This guy, just, didn't. He seemed like he had become a pastor the same way one becomes a tile salesman or a guy in accounting. Like it was a job, not a calling. Not the best way to connect to a congregation. We tried to give him a chance, but I couldn't warm up to him.

Then my mom asked him about becoming a pastor. My mom has a very deep connection to God. She would make an excellent pastor. He told her she was too old to go to divinity school and couldn't afford it if she wasn't.

The fact that this man is still walking around shows that I haven't run into him since. They no longer attend that church, although I think that they are still official members. I know I still am.

Where the hell am I going with this? Keep your shirt on, damn.

Traditionally the wedding is held in the Bride's hometown. That way her family can help plan and pay for the big day. That usually means marrying in the parent's church.

Well i'm getting married in Greenville, not my parent's town. A whole two hours from their church. I don't belong to a church down here. You see where this is going.

So over the past three weeks I have called so many churches it's rediculous. All of them say the same thing: you or your parents have to be a member.

I must admit, I was surprised by this. People marry in churches all the time. Are they all members? I'm sure at least some of them have to be just using the church. I called places completely prepared to pay a fee for the use of the church, since they have to clean and light and heat the place, no problem. But none did that. Fine. Frustrating, but fine. Everyone was very nice. Until today.

I remembered Tuesday that when Linda got married she wanted to do it in the Lutheran church that she had joined a few years back. However, for various reasons she hadn't been to services in a long time, so they wanted to charge a fee for the use of the building. She got upset and started going to her neighbor's church where her dad was pastor. Well, I thought that if they were going to let her pay to use the building maybe they would do that with me. So I called and left a message.

Today they called back and spoke with Josh. The conversation went something like this:

J: Hello.

P: Hi i'm returning a call from Brandi.

J: She's at work right now, would you like her work number?

P: Can I assume you're the fiance?

J: Yes.

P: And i'm assuming you don't have a church, but you want to have your wedding here.

J: That's right.

P: Well, i'm not sure what to do with you two. Maybe you can come in and talk to me about it.

J: Well, i'll let her know and have her get back to you.

Ok. Let's look at this more closely. First off, why assume Josh is my fiance? Just because he's a man? What if I live with my brother, or a gay roomate? That's a little pretentious, and you can tell by his tone he immediately judged us for living together. Presumably. Josh could have been over fixing my sink for all he knows, but he skips right on to his high horse. That right there is enough to make me not want to deal with you. I don't need the 'tude.

Secondly, you assume we don't have a church. Well duh. Why would we call for your church when we belong to one already? That doesn't even make sense.

Finally, the one that spinned me into the Delta Quadrant of pissed off, a place i'd never been before in my life, "Well I don't know what to do with the two of you."

Blink. Blink.

Yes, that's right. We're incorrigable. With the vandalism, and the stealing, and the murder, and the selling crack to school children, and the puppy kicking, and the going into people's houses at night and wrecking up the place. We just never learn. Oh. Wait. Not only have we not done anything wrong, we just don't have a church in Greenville, but this guy doesn't know us from Bonnie and Clyde. How dare he judge us for not having a church. Maybe we've been to a few and didn't like them. Maybe everyone else judged us for living together and we were hoping for a sanctuary away from that. Whatever the circumstances all he knows about us is what I left on his answering machine, which was simply asking if they let people use this church who aren't members and my phone number, and what he concluded from two minutes of talking to Josh. Fuck that.

And what is this talking to us? To scold us in person for asking if we could use the church and not be members? If you have a problem with that, fucking say so. Don't waste our time with a meeting that will come down to "You really shouldn't be living together without being married".

And don't suggest that we can use the church if we agree to go there from here on out. I want to go to church, I plan on it later in life, hopefully sooner rather than later, but I want to go because I want to go. Not becuase i'm trying to get something out of it. That's wrong and dishonest. I would love to go to church, but right now isn't the time. Josh works such crazy hours that if he gets Sunday off, which is practically never, it's our only day off together to visit our families, or sleep late, or clean up, or have any real time together. We don't need the burden of "we have to go to church" when it has become a chore or the guilt of "we really should have gone today, they're watching us. We owe them because we got married there". I want it to be "What a pretty day. I can't wait to go to church". I want to do it when i'm committed and when I have to time to give back through choir or nursery or Uninted Methodist Women or something. Not to just show up and go home. And that's coming.

And i'm not saying that they are wrong for not wanting me to use the church. It's their building and they can do as they please, but just say no if the answer is no. And you can say no in a professional, non judgemental way. And i'm not saying they're wrong for not being thrilled about us living together, but they don't know that for a fact, so stop jumping to conclusions just because a man answered the phone, and if we are wrong for living together leave the judgement to God. That's his job.

So it's going to take about 70 years at maximum warp to get back home from the Delta Quadrant of pissed off i'm currently in, but we have broadband out here, so i'll keep blogging. And i'll let you know when or if I find a church for the ceremony. And i'll let you know if God smites my sinful shacking up ass. But you know, the last time I checked he was a being of infinate love and forgiveness, and i'm pretty sure that he's happy Josh and I are getting married, so I wouldn't start preparing for those plauges yet.