Tuesday, May 30, 2006


Dear World:

Thank you for your prompt solution to my shoe delimma. While these shoes are more than I had planned to pay, They are basic pumps with a rounded toe, not too skinny heel, and we all know I have a weakness for Nine West. Good show. Now, can you do something about this ridiculous skort thing? I bought what I thought was two nice skirts this weekend, only to find they had shorts inside them. Seriously. Either wear shorts or a skirt. Accept that sometimes you have to wear a skirt, and for those occastions learn to keep your legs together.



Thursday, May 25, 2006

Cinderella didn't have this problem.

Dear World,

Why is it so hard to find a plain white satin or crepe slip on pump with a rounded toe and heels that are thick enough to be stable? I mean really. I've been on more websites than I can count and all I can find are skinny heeled shoes or shoes with pointy toes. Do you want me to fall on my ass at the reception? Do you want me to have achy toes from being squished up in a pointy toed shoe? I didn't think so. So get on that. Now!



Monday, May 22, 2006

Pluggy pluggy!

I don't normally shill for things unless I really beleive in them. And i'm not a big movie person, so if i'm recomending a movie you know it must be good. And so I heartily recomend Grandma's Boy.

This movie is, as Josh's friend Clay said, "Like Up in Smoke for gamers." True dat.

I laughed my ass off watching this last night while stuffing invitations. If you like dick and fart jokes, gags involving stoners and pot, and can laugh at gaming stereotypes this movie is for you.

And for those of you who have already seen it, two words: robot voice!

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Gee, thanks Amazon.com!

Really, I don't hate Amazon. I really love Amazon. Almost anything I want, discounted and shipped right to my door. I have even grown to love Amazon Prime with the free two day shipping eventhough I think $70 a year is a little much and I only have it because I forgot to cancel it. I've bought some used books from outside sellers through them for 50 cents and then paid $6 to ship, but still a great bargain.

However, never look at the items they recommend for you. You will end up so freaking depressed, like I am now. I go through and see dozens of books I would love to read, TV series I would love to watch, books with hundreds of cross-stitch patterns I would love to do. But there isn't enough time. There will never be enough time. Unless you're Mr. Bemis, but even he broke his glasses. Life is way too fucking short.

I'm alone! I'm an insignificant speck on a has-been planet orbited by a cold, indifferent sun!

Friday, May 12, 2006

Marriage or a PS3?

Slate makes an interesting case for the latter. I wonder which Josh would rather have?

The China Syndrome

Get it? It was a movie, and it's a post about the problems with my china pattern! Eh?

Fine. It's not that clever. But it's 12:47 in the morning, and not only have I cleaned up the house today, cut the back lawn and gone to work but I was up at the ass-crack of dawn when the douchebag across the street had his lawn service come cut his grass at SIX MUTHAFUCKING THIRTY THIS MORNING!!!! I am so egging his house next Halloween. Asshole. We've lived across from him for two years and the dick has never even waved at us. Fume.

Anyway, my point is I can only be so clever.

Especially when I am being consistently dicked around over my china pattern.

I have always wanted china. In the same way I always dreamt of a big formal wedding and a house in the 'burbs (I know i'm bourgeois, I don't care.) I always wanted china. Elegant grown up ladies had china. Special dishes of exquisite patterns taken out for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Anniversaries, or dinner parties. They stored them away for these occasions, and when the Eternal Footman had taken these ladies to the big bridge game in the sky, their china was a treasure given to children and grand children.

I'm sure i'm romanticizing it quite a bit, I did grow up watching Donna Reed reruns, but who can help it in today's society? People go through their cell phones like dental floss. I see people leaving the grocery store with disposable plates and cups all the time. They can't all be having a party or a picnic. I have a running joke with Josh that when Jesus comes back he'll find he's standing on a pile of styrofoam. I am reminded of the episode of The Simpsons where Bart takes Santa's Little Helper to obedience school. When Bart tries to convince the teacher to pass him even though he's terrible she says "Perhaps I cling to the old ways, as the traditions I was weaned on are put to sleep or neutered. BUT MY TIME HAS NOT PASSED YET!" Yeah, that's me.

So with that mindset I began to look at china patterns right after we got engaged. I wanted something that was not too old fashioned, but not so modern that it would seem gimmicky in 20 years. I wanted it to work with various decor, but not be too plain.

I spent hours online zooming into pictures, scrutinizing patterns, colors, and even the china itself. I dismissed many as too old fashioned. Some were too busy. There were a few that I liked, but the color was blah. I didn't give anything with just a band a second look. This is my china for goodness sakes! Knock it up a notch! And there were about three patterns I considered long and hard, but they all had the same fatal flaw: raised dots. All of them had these weird raised beads of china around the rim. No. This is not a motif i've seen before so it will undoubtedly go out of style at some point. I learned my lesson from the myriad of avocado green and harvest gold appliances and dishware at the Goodwill.

And then one day on the Bed Bath and Beyond site I found it. Royal Doulton "Litchfield". The colors are complex, but not too dark. The detail in the shading sets off the stylized petals and leaves. The dinner plate and saucer are simple, the border almost neoclassic. But then, the salad plate smacks you upside the head with it's bold art deco flowers. But it's not overdone. And finally the dessert plate and teacup take these elements and join them together like a beer and a coconut. I'm in lurv with this pattern. I <3 it. And yet...

No one carries it. NO ONE FREAKING CARRIES IT!!!! I called Bed Bath and Beyond today because it was on the website, but I couldn't add it to my cart or registry. They said it isn't available. So I looked at every website of every store I could think of in my area and in my family's area that would have a registry. Kohl's, Sears, Belk, JC Penny, Hechts, Williams Sonoma, Crate and Barrel, Linens n Things (where we have our main registry), Nordstom. None of them carry it.

And I looked at the other patterns. None even came close. This pattern was dreamed up by Evil Brandi From the Parallel Universe Who Happens to Work at Royal Doulton to tease me. At this point my best bet is to register either with Amazon or Royal Doulton themselves. Don't think I won't do it!

But for now it's off to bed to dream of dinner parties with my perfect china and the ladies from the neighborhood. Where i'll have a poofy skirt and pearls and high heels to hang around the house in. And when they're gone i'll mop the floor in the pearls and the heels, and maybe take a few valium. Mmmmm, valium....

And Josh can make special appearance as my shy, nerdy milkman who needs the love of a good woman to

Wait, am I still typing? Crap! I am!

Well, off for a night of warm milk and Bible study... Mmmm, warm milk. Man.

Wednesday, May 10, 2006

What's in a name?

After toying around with a few alternatives i've made my decision. As of October 21st I will become Mrs. Brandi Hasty. How permanent is this decision? After all, i've been flopping back and forth between china patterns for weeks now and i'm still not sure if i'm going to wear the gloves I bought for my dress. Well, in August I will allegedly be moving from my current office to my new office in a recently remodeled building on campus. Two weeks ago we donned hardhats and met with the architect to see our new digs among the ongoing construction. At the end of the tour he handed my boss a form to fill out for our sinage. So what would be by my new door?

I had pretty much always planned on changing my name. The hyphenation thing was just akward, and I have known so many awesome women like my mom who changed their name. Even my shero, my boss' wife changed her name. So why not me? It just feels right. I get giddy now when I use my debit card, knowing that it will be new and shiny in a few months. When I ordered the monogrammed tote bags for my bridesmaids gifts I ordered one for me too, with my married initials. I picture myself carrying it aboard our cruise ship for our honeymoon, the latest in a long line of Mrs. Hastys.

What it boils down to for me, and for the author of this article, is that if taking my husbands name is a crucial blow to feminism then we really haven't come as far as we think we have. There are so many other things to worry about and fight for. For heavens sake there is a law going through congress right now to give insurance companies the right to not have to cover mamograms or birth control pills! How fucked up is that? And someone's going to get all pissy over what's on my driver's license? Fuck that shit. Feminism was and still is about choice. And i'm choosing a new name. If you don't want to, fine. More power to you. Just don't get all up in my business when i'm in front of you at the DMV with my marriage license and a goofy grin.

(Note: you may need to watch a breif ad to read the article if you don't subscribe to Salon.)

Thursday, May 04, 2006

Move it along, nothing to see here!

Things are coming along a very nice pace. I finished the favors without gaining fifty pounds. Our cake server set and fruity pen arrived Monday night. I've finally decided on an invitation. I just ordered a few things for my bridesmaids gifts which are going to be pretty cool in my opinion. And today is the day of our engagement photo. And did I mention I bought my garters? One pretty one to keep, one cheap blue one to toss. I have been a regular wedding planning moe-sheen! I wonder what i'll do to keep occupied over the next five months....

Monday, May 01, 2006

It was the best of favors, it was the blurst of favors.

So I finally settled on a favor. Or rather a container for favors to go in. I liked these a lot. They were pretty cheap, sturdy, and every other tote style bag or box had a heart shaped handle, like, wow, that is pretty treacly. So I ordered them, they came in and began to stuff them with Werthers Original. The problem is that to do this I have to have massive quantities of Werthers Original in the house. And, well, i've sorta been inhaling them. Think Homer with the alcohol fueled car. "One for you, one for me..." I'm almost done though. I think one more run to Food Lion to clean them out will do it. Then the accursed favors will be boxed up, taped up and put in the bottom of the closet for the next five months where I won't be tempted by their buttery goodness.