Tuesday, November 11, 2008

So about that election.

I went to vote on election day because I was too lazy to do it early. It worked out in my favor though, I had no line at the church where I vote. I tripped on the stairs going up into the fellowship hall, but the election volunteers were talking to each other and didn't notice. Once you've spent your formative years getting teased, picked on and having food thrown at you the expectation of that behavior doesn't leave you. It was only after I righted myself and went inside to get my ballot from the very nice ladies inside that I realized that had they seen me fall, they would have asked if I was ok, helped me up and probably complained about that first step needing some yellow paint.

I marked my ballot, made my oval for Obama extra dark, fed it into the ballot eating moe-sheen and went home for a nap.

I expected nothing that night. The last two elections i've voted in have gone on into the wee hours of the morning so I resolved that this was like an early Chirstmas. I would wake up in the morning and get a brand new president or the same old crap from the last eight years. I guess McCain would have been like getting socks and underwear and Obama was like a shiny new wagon or American Girl doll.

I honestly thought that Obama would win. On our way home from our anniversary dinner Josh and I had a discussion about our surprise at McCain being picked for the Republican nominee. I mean really. Really? This is your best choice? The guy plenty of Republicans don't really like and only became an official Republican a few years ago to add President to his list of accomplishments? (But I can't really complain too much. Fuckabee might have run and he might have won and my uterus would no longer be my own.) But although I was pretty sure of Obama's victory I was scared to say it out loud. As much as I value science and proof in all things I also believe in things beyond our knowledge and really didn't want to jinx the outcome. (Yes I know this makes no sense. I'm a human. Humans are complicated. Deal.)


Eleven o'clock rolled around and went in the back to kiss Josh goodnight. He looked at me and said "It's over."

"What's over?"

"The election. Obama won. It's mathmatically impossible for McCain to win at this point."

"Oh. Awesome. Good night."

Again, I had basically counted on Obama winning so it wasn't much of a surprise for me. I put in my earplugs and went to bed.

Now this is where things get weird.

Around two o'clock I woke up to Josh in the bedroom asking me if I had heard anything. Well now. I was asleep with ear plugs. I rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Josh came in again and told me that he was chalking it up to the cats knocking something over.

Dude, don't care. Sleeping.

Then Josh went to go smoke.

He came back in the bedroom and asked if there were any real pumpkins outside.

Uh, no. If I had a real pumpkin it would have been carved in front of Josh as we watched various Halloween specials. But Josh somehow didn't remember that and was confused by the sudden appearance of pumpkins and just had to ask.

At this point I just took my ear plugs out, and put some clothes on. After all Josh was wide awake so why should I be asleep?

Turns out the noise was the glass in our screen door falling out of the actual door frame. What could cause this to happen? Try a pumpkin. A pumpkin that was, I can only guess, thrown at our door, knocking the glass out, then busted against the edge of our porch below the kitchen window. There was a second pumpkin in my flower bed/weed garden that had not been busted up for some reason. Laziness? Fear of being found out? Being really, really stoned? Who knows.

Now if this had been Halloween night I would have shaken my fist at the young whippersnappers that did this and gone back to bed. But it wasn't. And just to be safe we called the sheriff's department.

A very nice deputy came out and took a report. He checked the back yard and made sure our tires hadn't been slashed. He seemed as confused as we were. I mean, it's not like you have to go far in this town to find someone with an Obama sticker on their car, if that was their motivation. I was the only one left with Halloween decorations up, but why would they complain about that by making my place look more Halloweenish with pumpkins?

I just don't know. We've not had any other problems and I still feel quite safe. The biggest complaint was not having the glass in the door so we went in and out of the empty frame for a few days. That was a pain in the ass.

But I know when I get to heaven my fist question to the Lord will be "What was up with the pumpkins that night in 2008?"

And they Lord will reply "They were stoned teenagers."

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