Thursday, March 30, 2006

Things to do in Greenville when you're an insommniac.

Do you remeber that episode of Home Movies where Coach McGuirk can't sleep and he goes to the sleep lab and then realizes they can pay him for research? Remember how he looked sitting on the bleachers holding a soccer ball and drooling? Well I couldn't find a picture of that, so here's one of him in the sleep lab. That's how I feel. I'm starting to think I should have named this the Insommniac Bride Blog. But what's done is done. So if you ever can't sleep here are a few things to do.

Play Animal Crossing. Dig up all the fossils and talk to Blathers while he's awake. Then shake all the non-fruit trees until you've found both pieces of furniture and many bags of bells. After that collect all the damn pitfall seeds that you've dug up and left lying around and put them in the recycle bin. Or bury them in a large open area to create a mine field of pitfalls. You probably got stung by bees while shaking trees and have a grody swollen eye. Use this to scare your neighbors that are still awake. Water flowers that are dying. Check the beach for any seashells that are worth money. Put any stray clothes, wigs, hats etc. into your storage unit in your house. Rearrange your gyroids. When that gets boring, save your game and send your little person to bed knowing they are full of bells, fossils and furniture to hock first thing in the morning.

Watch the 2 a.m. repeat of Adult Swim. Futurama, Harvey Birdman, and Family Guy. Then get pissed that The Boondocks will replace Harvey Birdman the following night. Stupid fucking Boondocks. It's not weird or funny. How about some Tom Goes to the Mayor up in here? Or Squidbillies? And where are my DVDs of those shows? Jerkwads.

Realize not sleeping makes you a wee bit cranky.

Clean out your wedding folder so it no longer weighs a metric ton. Take out the invitation catalogs that you have already ordered samples from. Take out the David's Bridal book since you've ordered your gown. Take out the Make a Match thing since they don't have them in Victorian Lilac.

Make a wedding to do list, listing everything from hiring a cake person to buying a little envelope wetter thing so you don't die licking envelopes like George Costanza's fiance.

Play Hexic HD on your fiance's engagement XBox for 38 minutes, achieving over 25,000 points and getting to level 5.

Watch neutered episodes of Daria on the N and get pissed off that they would show someone getting anally gang raped on Degrassi, but cut Daria until the jokes don't make sense. Get pissed off that Daria is not DVD. Fucktards.

If fiance is awake and trying to beat the first Kingdom Hearts because the second Kingdom Hearts comes out the next day and he wants to finish one before starting another, ride to the 24 hour Krispy Kreme near campus and get doughnuts and coffee. Decaf though. Maybe, like a baby, the warm liquid will put you to sleep.

Watch My So-Called Life on the N and fume about how they have managed not to put this part of your teenaged years through the shredder. Then ponder how Claire Danes has done essentially nothing with her acting career, and wonder when the immense good will from this one season show will run dry.

Through out all this periodically return to bed to try and sleep. Get back up after 15-45 minutes in half-way accordance with the sleep hygiene rules your psych doctor gave you.

Finally go to sleep at 6:30 in the morning. Have a disturbing dream about being a ho in a house with Flava Flav and winding up with Chlamydia from sharing towels. Then sleep through your alarm waking at 10:00, when you are supposed to be at work. Call in late to your very nice, wonderful, understanding boss.

Drive to work trying to explain to your body that while you understand that it will get what it needs sleep wise, consistantly being late will result in you getting fired and not being able to give your body things like food, shelter and clothes.

Realize this will make a mildly amusing blog post and hope you can find a picture of sleep deprived Coach McGuirk.

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