Oh Monsterquest. You suck so bad. Why do I still record and watch you?
Monsterquest started out promising. I didn't think it should be on the history channel, but neither did Ax Men so what could I do.
I enjoyed the first few episodes, even when they sorta got lame faster than I expected. I mean, Bigfoot, Swamp Ape, Grassman, these are all Bigfoot, ok? If it's ape/man like it's Bigfoot, Sasquatch, etc. Same thing. But for Wednesday night TV it's not bad.
Then the second season took a turn for the lame. Mega Hog? Giant Rats? Some mysterious beast killing things in NC that couldn't possibly be a cougar despite the cougar like way of killing prey and the camera phone photo of a cougar like creature? Because cougars can't pass the cougar forcefield that keeps them where you can expect to find them and out of where you won't expect to find them. Because of the cougar forcefield. Cougar. (And let's not forget the idiots digging up their dogs bones like they could tell someone anything about what killed it.)
And Ghosts? Ghosts aren't mosters. Poltergeists i'll call monsters, but that's a stretch and they weren't even looking for those types of ghosts. Just your average cold feeling, spots on a photo, eerie light on a video tape ghost. Lame.
Then we came to what I thought was the bottom of the barrel. Vampires. Vam. Pires.
Vampires are not monsters. Nor do they exist. The people who call themselves Vampires are regular people who drink blood and somehow "feed" on other's "energy". They aren't really Vampires. Vampires are made up and are not mosters that need to be quested for. Really. If you want to find a vampire go find some goth kids at your local high school or college and if there isn't one there i'm sure they know someone who claims to be a vampire and would love to talk to you about it. No questing required.
Secondly, the history of the Vampire has been covered before in much better shows on the history of the Vampire and people who call themselves Vampires have been covered pretty extensivley on about ten episodes of WE' s Secret Lives of Women.
So I thought that Vampires would be where Monsterquest and I would break up. But I forgot to delete the timer and I wound up recording China's Wildman (hint: Bigfoot.) and Giant Bears.
Giant bears is where I part company with Monsterquest. You guys are dumb and are looking for anything to make a show out of.
The thesis behind this episode was that bears may be evolving and loosing their fear of humans and getting larger and maybe this prehistoric bear is still around. Why? Why do they think this? Becuase people are seeing bears more and some people have shot some bears that are bigger than usual.
Now lets look at this rationaly.
First, the idea that a prehistoric bear could have survived and is now running amok is ludicrous. This is the same theory that's presented for Nessie and to me it makes more sense that a sea lizard could hide in deep water and reproduce and remain hidden for all this time than it does a bear, that is visible and hunted for various reasons and basicly is just too out there to hide.
Second, the fact that some hunters have killed bears that are much larger than average meaning that monster bears have to be out there is crap. My Grandfather's sister was seven feet tall. (No she did not have acromegaly or some other pituitary disease, she was just tall.) Now a seven foot tall woman (without a medical condition) is pretty unusual, but it doesn't mean that she's a whole new species of Amazons that are taking over Durham. It means that in the vast spectrum of human traits she hit the height lottery. Same with these bears. They happen to be larger for what ever reason. Look at my cats. Mary Jane and Stinky are four pounds each. Wally and Jules are 14 and 15 pounds respectively. Zeke is six or seven pounds and thus average. So do I have a new breed of monster housecat on my hands? Monsterquest would probably think so.
Third, the show completely glossed over the encroachment issue. They asked is this encroachment? Or is this a new breed of bear? Well, considering that humans are tearing down animal's habitats and builidng neighborhoods in them more and more this sounds like a textbook case of encroachment. People see bears more near their houses. Bears associate humans with food. Bears loose fright of humans. Duh.
But what really pissed me off with it's outright stupidity was that they kept showing footage and talking to people who had seen bears near their house 45 minutes from Manhattan. As if Manhattan and it's urban glow would scare away any wild animal in a 200 mile radius. But they didn't say mile. Because miles matter. Say this is about 50 miles from Manhattan near a wooded area. Well you're going to see bears. You know why? Because if you drive 45 minutes from any city you'll end up in Bum Fuck Egypt. I live in one of the largest cities in NC and this summer when Josh and I took off for the Outer Banks about 45 minutes out of town we wound up in Bum Fuck. Go 45 minutes out of Charlotte? Bum Fuck. 45 out of Raleigh? Bum Fuck. This holds true all over. Just because you live within an hour drive of a city doesn't mean the bears can't get you.
Further more the bears shown near these areas were black bears. We have them here in NC and I have a healthy fear of them. However, Black Bears generally don't bother people. They are shy and if you make some loud noise they'll run. So seeing a Black Bear in your neighborhood is unnerving, but not a crisis. You've moved into their territory so now deal. Lock up your garbage, bring your dogs in at night, supervise your kids, have the number for animal control ready and be alert if you have to go in the woods. Basicaly, you deal. You deal like every other human who's had to share space with animals since the begining of time.
So this episode was just too stupid and too hard on the bears. The bears are the victims here. We're the ones who move into their territory and then bitch when they get in our trash and then panic like a bunch of wusses when one lumbers through the back yard.
So it's over Monsterquest. You're on hiatus until next summer anyway. Maybe by then you'll have something interesting to talk about, but until then, leave me alone. Don't call, don't email me, take your stuff. This would be a good time to get together with everyone who's ever been on the show and camp out in the northwest and really make a go at finding Bigfoot. Follow your dream. This is how the whole thing started anyway.
And maybe when I run into you in a while you'll have some convincing evidence of an acutal monster. Or at least a bump. The growling eye is so over.
